Friday Night Group – article in the Goderich Signal Star

April 22, 2014

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The Heart of Jealousy

July 26, 2011

It had been a long day. The heat seemed to make everything more laborious. As he walked to the little cabin his stride was slow and methodical. She had a lot of spring in her step. She walked ahead of him and told him to quicken his pace. After introductions we sat for several moment in silence and let the air-conditioned cabin refresh us.

I made the appointment with you because I am at my wits end with him. He is always depressed and seems to be so whenever he doesn’t get his way. This is the fourth time seeing someone like you and the only reason I am is because the other people we saw just wanted him on pills, saying that he has a chemical imbalance.  He had been on pills about fifteen years ago when I met him. He then had a chemical imbalance too but once we started dating he told me about it. After, I broke up with him because he was controlling and jealous at times. He stopped taking his meds because I told him I needed someone who I could count on and I didn’t want the roller coast life with him. I had been through that with my father.  We met again three months later and he was off meds and our life was fine.  But since he lost his job things have gotten a lot worse. The next person we saw told me he wasn’t getting enough sex, after he had a private session with each of us. It was basically my fault.

I said it wasn’t your fault, the husband said softly. We have been through all that. That guy was just a Freudian quack, he said in a louder voice.

So now we are here! He is depressed, is not working or looking after any of his responsibilities with the kids or looking for work.

Thanks for being so straight and honest! I hear your view of the problem and you might be 100% right. But what if you’re only partly right?

Then it is better than being 100% wrong!

So if we want to find a solution to this problem, which we haven’t fully defined, then would you be happy with only solving 50% of it?

No I guess not!

So I need to hear your husband’s side!

I am fine with what my wife said. She is right! She is always right when it comes to me. She knows me pretty well.

So does she always know what’s best for you?

Yeah, pretty much!

Wow this is an interesting case!

Well the last few we saw told us we were typical! said the wife .

Well I don’t think so, this I kinda unique!

How is that? they both said.

Well your husband may be the first human being I have met that his wife knows what best for him and he agrees with it.

This made them both laugh, for several minutes.

Do you see what you’re doing now, the both of you?

We’re laughing!

Yes, so I think your learning something! Can you tell me what?

We fight about this all the time. So it’s kind of funny!

And the fight is about what?

He always tells me to stop telling him what to do.

Okay and what goes on inside you, as her husband?

Well I just slow down! Or pretend I don’t hear her, or just do it!

But you’re angry and then get back at me with not helping the kids! Right?

Yeah! She’s right!

Yes and now you guys are doing it again!

Doing what again?

I think you know! You’re smart people!

I know what he means honey!

Good! Well tell me! I always said she is right!

Yes and there is more but if I am going to help you, I need to ask your husband some more questions.

Okay I’d like that! I love it when he squirms for a change.

Sir please tell me! How did you lose your job!

I quit!

Yes he holds jobs for about four to five years then quits!

Please I need to talk to your husband now. Just him, okay? When I’m done, I promise you can have a say! I just need a few minutes. Can you give me that!

Yeah, sorry!

Okay now what is common in all of your last jobs and your relationship with your wife!

He thought for several minutes and replied.

Yes sir, that’s it!

What is it? What was the last job you had that you really liked?

The last one!

Why did you quit then?

Well, I got this new boss and he was a real jerk!

Okay, the job before that?

I left because they wanted me to work in another department, a promotion.

Yes and the job before that?

I quit because the boss was a jerk!

What is the point of all this? I don’t get it! This is beginning to piss me off. What is your fuckin’ point?

I just made it!

What? Honey this guy’s another quack!

I don’ t think he is! I think I see something.

Now don’t tell him!

What? So now it’s two against one.

No it’s not. I’m not on his side. I’m on your side, said his wife.

Yes, I’m only on the side of your relationship! Right? That is what you are here to see me about – your relationship.

Okay, well, if my wife sees it and you see it, then what is it that you see? It’s only fair to tell me.

Well, I can tell you, said the wife, but he won’t let me!

Listen, you have come here to get some help right? And I feel I can help you. But I think it is very important for your husband to find this answer for himself. How many times in your life have other people told you about you and what your difficulty is or was and you listen to them?

Well, only if I care about the person!

Okay, so when your wife gives you her picture of what’s wrong with you, do you change?

He sure as hell doesn’t.

Pardon me but I am asking your husband.

Okay sorry!

She can’t help it – she’s all over me!

Well I should be, you’re acting depressed so you don’t have to work, so you can just be lazy!

Do you know what you’re both doing now? This is the cycle you’re both caught in and I don’t think you want to break that cycle.  You have too much invested in it!

Why would he and I invest in something that doesn’t work?

Yes, I don’t like this. I’m sick and tired of her at me all the time!

And I’m sick and tired of having to do everything while you depress! That’s not fair to me, and I deserve better. And let me tell another thing: if it wasn’t for the kids, I would be gone eight months ago.

So what stopped you? I questioned

The kids!

What about the kids?

It would hurt them too much to see us apart! I don’t think divorce is the answer!

Well in this case I don’t think it is easier. I feel you’re right!

So that puts me between a rock and a hard place, she said.

So when things were at their best and you felt good about your relationship, when was that!

Two years ago, said the husband.

About four months ago I guess really for me!

Wow. Tell me about for months ago!

I’m used to him working, making money, getting promoted and then within a few months he loses his job because he can’t get along with his new boss. It’s clockwork. Then he depresses, I get fed up and we see a counselor, I threaten to leave, he picks up his socks, gets a good job, does well. And the whole thing starts over again.

Okay!  So is this true or is it your perception of what happens.

My perception but it does happen!

Okay, now is she right!

Well yes but no!

The no is what, about eight months ago, right? You said eight months? What happened?

Nothing I can think of!

So the both of you can’t see anything that happened eight months ago.

Yes I can! said his wife.

What, we had a major fight?

We were at a pizza place and I lost it on him.

Why?

Because he asked me if I was having an affair with this guy we met at the pizza place.

How many times over the course of you being together has he accused you of having an affair?

My god, if I think back every time!

That is part of the pattern isn’t it?

I travel with work a couple times a year and I have to go through hell with him before I go and after I come back.

Well she just springs them on me!!!

No I don’t. I have to listen to you weeks before I go! I tried to give you time to prepare for me leaving. I am only gone three or four days two times a year, for gods sake!

At this, the room went dead quiet for some time. Then the wife noticed he was crying.

I’m just afraid you’re going to leave me! You’re so beautiful and it’s like before: I think you’re going to leave because you left me before.

Yes, when we were dating and we didn’t have children and I was not having an affair. If I wanted to be with someone else I would tell you and not have an affair behind your back. Give me some credit!!!

I do I do! I’m sorry. I just can’t help it!

Can I ask you a question? If you can’t help it, what do you think is going to happen to your relationship in the end, if you are incapable of learning something new?

Well, I guess I will drive her away!

So when you struggle with your relationship with your wife and you’re upset, who do you push away?

Well her I guess!

Yes and who else?

I don’t know!

I think you do!

Maybe the people I work with? Is that what your driving at?

I am asking. I see you are in pain. You love your wife and you have a lifetime of controlling people with your depressing.

Did it work on your wife?

No!

So when you feel out of control with your wife, what do you do?

I depress I guess!

Yes and what else?

I just stop working!

Before that?

I guess I just stop…

Trying to get along with people? I said

Yes!

So when you can’t get along with people, what happens?

I depress.

Would you stay married to someone like you?

No!

But she chooses to!

Hey I could do a lot worse! He has a lot of good qualities.

Like what?

Well, he’s very romantic at times. I know he loves me! He’s funny and sensitive for sure. It’s this jealousy thing – it keeps creeping up!

Yes, so if you could learn to not be jealous, what effect do you think that would have in your life, and the relationship with your wife?

It would sure improve things, the husband said.

It is what I always wanted! said the wife. I would love him more for it!

So what do you think? Could you and I get together separately some time next week and talk about your choice to be jealous?

It does feel like a choice!

Are you jealous now!

No! I don’t feel that way.

Why not!

I guess I feel like I’m caught with my pants down!

Yes, you exposed the insecurity that jealousy is.

Yes and it’s kinda dumb of me to be jealous.

Sir, jealousy is nothing more than the emotional content of your thinking, coming from the self that is insecure.

It feels stupid now that it is out like I’m …

Irrational sir!

Yes!

Can I see you next week?

Yes I am looking forward to it. Thanks. This was hard but good!

Yes sir! Life comes to wake us from our stupidity.

Coachbri


My Husband Has Changed!

June 12, 2011

The rain had the ferocity of the wind behind it. It came in quickly and left the earth full and soaked with water. Many puddles had formed in the fields; the earth around the puddles was black and rich. The seeds planted beneath seem to grow before ones eyes as lightly green shoots spun to life.

She was very quiet and not sure why she had come.

You saw my husband and he is not the same man since and I really can’t figure him out. He’s stopped criticizing me and he’s dropped his constant demand for sex. So I have come to see you because I think you or him are up to something.

Like what?

Some plan! Whatever! I know my husband and since we’ve been married he has always demanded sex from me at the most inopportune times.

Yes he told me about that!

Well I wondered why he did that! He never really talks to me about anything. He just goes off and sulks. He behaves like another kid, for shits sake.

Yes he is aware of that as well. He told me that he sulks a lot when he doesn’t get his way.

He sure does! And I’m sick and tired of it. It’s another demand, a pressure, and between the kids, the house, and looking after some of my own needs I don’t need another person whining at me.

Yes he seems to know that!

Well that’s what he does. It is so unattractive that he’s so dependent on me. What’s wrong with you men! All my girlfriends say the same thing about their husbands. We laugh at you guys, you know!

I’m sure you do! But are any of your girlfriends divorced?

Yes they are.

Do they laugh at their husbands, now that they’re divorced?

No, they hate them!

Maybe your husband feels that divorce isn’t an option for you and he doesn’t want that to happen.

So what you’re telling me is that he thinks I’m having an affair?
Well no, I’m not.

I sure could have. That’s easy and with the way I look, men are always flirting with me. I seem to have that type of body that men like. They’re all the same! But one man for another man would be just another set of the same problems. I’m not interested in that.

So what kind of marriage are you interested in?

One that works!

Is it working now?

Well what did my husband say?

He said a lot! But none of which I can really discuss with you!

And why not??

I care about your marriage and I am willing to fight for your relationship for your marriage even when sometimes people don’t.

So you’re colluding with my husband?

No. Maybe I’m colluding with your marriage.

What the hell does that mean?

If you came to see me about your marriage to your husband and then he came to see me, would you want me telling you what you said in confidence to me?

Yes, why not? You’re supposed to tell us!

Well I don’t think doing that would help your marriage. Me telling you that your husband came to me and took responsibility for his behavior I feel is not breaking his trust. I think your husband won’t be upset about that he knows he’s made mistakes he doesn’t want to lose you. And I really think he is worried about that.

I know that in last two weeks I’ve been living with a different man and it’s really pissing me off.

So things are worse now?

Yes!

Well why is that?

Now I feel so guilty for the way I’ve been treating him.

Well so that means you’re starting to do a little self-evaluation. Is that so bad?

Well I guess not but I did fool around on him. But I ended it yesterday.

Why yesterday?

Well I knew I was coming to see you and my husband has been treating me so different. The affair lost all its appeal I think! I don’t know. I guess I see him trying so hard … I don’t know guilt maybe.

Can I ask you a question? It may help you understand it if you answered it.

Yes sure!

When you noticed your husbands change, when did that start?

About four weeks ago, I think.

What happened?

I just gave up fighting him and just gave him sex. Let him do his thing and get off and be done with it.

How did you feel about that?

I felt depressed, lonely, sad, and guilty.

Did he have any response to this?

Yes he stopped having sex with me and asked me what was wrong.

Do you think he knew something was up?

Why do you say that?

Well, what did you do in the past with his demands?

Just refused him and made him wait till I was ready!

What would he do?

Whine and act like a child. Give me the silent treatment. Same old bullshit men do!

But he didn’t, did he? He saw you change and he didn’t like it!

I guess not!

Is it possible that he figured something out?

Like what?

That he finally heard you and he doesn’t want to lose you.

Yes but why now?

Because you did something differently that you have never done before.

Which is?

You gave in to him! You had an affair, you depressed! But more important, he surprised you. Didn’t he?

Yeah he did, I thought he would end the marriage as much as I thought he wanted to.

What made you think that?

Well I thought he was as miserable as I am. I turn him down a lot; I criticized him all the time. But since your session with him he’s talking to me more and I know he listened to you because he explained to me that when I criticize him like I do I sent him the message I don’t love him and therefore he tries to do what most men do – have sex to reconnect. He said it really hurts him when I criticize him and if I have sex with him there is still hope.

Do you think he’s right?

You mean do I think you’re right?

No! He’s the one that gave you that information; I’m not your husband. How I think or not doesn’t impact your marriage.

How do I know this is genuine?

You don’t, you have to find out. Your marriage can be saved if you are willing to start caring less about what he or you want and more about what is best for your marriage, your relationship.

Yes I guess our relationship is real … too right.

Yes – a living, breathing thing depends on how you treat each other.

I think we need your help!

Sure that’s what I do – deal with people who want out of their self-inflicted misery.

So you think this is self-inflicted.

Yes. All throughout history human beings refuse to evolve psychologically. We are still in conflict and refuse any other way of living. The world is becoming a more dangerous place.

That seems so sad!

Don’t you feel the sorrow of your life?

Yes I do! Thank you. I must come again.

Sure!

Coachbri


Marriage: A Deep Resentment

April 26, 2011

We were loading up the truck with great speed and efficiency. In the distance we could see the coming rain as it speckled the sky in tiny dark spots that were to reach the earth. You could see the clear line of wind and rain as it hadn’t reached us yet but when it did we would be soaked to the bone. We got the truck and trailer loaded and headed to the dump and the change in wind prevented the rain from reaching us full force. As we entered the dump, the ground was thick with dark black mud. The truck and trailer slid their way up the low-grade hill until it reached the top and we emptied it quicker than we filled it. The man at the dump came out to greet us. He slowly looked over the things we were dumping as if he was looking for buried treasure. His eyes lit up and you could easily see that what we were hauling in was of some use to him. He patiently helped us unload the truck and trailer and took the things he wanted to a different area close to his shed. He had the hands of the working man – strong, dirty, cut, but full of knowledge and experience. He was a man that knew how to use his hands and they were his livelihood. When we were empty he returned from his shed and gave us a bill. We paid it and left.

The dump is a very interesting place: people bring the things to it that they no longer want or think have value and discard them. The old man at the dump saw this junk and it was clear he had no hesitation in investigating what was brought into the dump and directed each person carefully where to dispose of it. It made me think of “one man’s garbage is another man’s treasure” and I sat with the psychological implications of that statement for quite some time. It was almost 4:00 p.m. and after I had showered, I sat in the study waiting for my next appointment.

There was a strong knock at the door. I got up and answered it and invited the person in. I noticed by his walk and entrance his movements were very quick and stiff. He seemed to have a lot on his mind and had come to tell the story and wanted definite answers.

Hello sir. My name is Brian.

My name is Jon. I received your name from the pastor of my church and he told me that I may benefit from speaking with you. I live in London and on the drive up for an hour I’d been running thoughts through my mind, trying to decide what to talk to you about. Also I noticed the closer I got to your house the less interested I seemed in talking.

Okay sir that’s fair! Where would you like to begin?

I guess the problem is my wife. I just don’t understand her!

Sorry sir, I’m not trying to be rude, but why don’t you try spending time understanding yourself? That seems like a better investment of your time and money!

Well I know ultimately I’m here about my, my …?

Your unhappiness sir!

Yeah maybe that’s it. I just don’t get women!

Sir, what do you mean by “just don’t get”?

I don’t understand them. I don’t seem to be able to get along with them. Well, I never have!

Do you mean being able to get along with them or her in particular?

Yes, my wife you mean?

Okay, your wife. What would that look like?

We wouldn’t fight so much, we’d have a great sex life, we would be able to be together and enjoy each other’s company, she wouldn’t criticize me so much, I wouldn’t always be insecure with her, she would listen to me, she’d just do what I say.

Okay. So in other words she would love you the way you want to be loved!

Yes that about sums it up.

Sir, isn’t she saying the same thing about you, that if you loved her, you would love her the way she wants you to be loved.

Yeah I guess that sounds right.

Sir…

Can you please call me Jon?

Okay Jon. Throughout the dawn of time men have lived in conflict with woman.

Well I’m not convinced of that!

I’m not trying to convince you of anything. You can see it in your own life with your wife!

See what?

See the fact of the conflict!

And the conflict is?

Between you and her. Your ego bumping up against her ego!

Well I think that’s in everything. It is not just between men and women.

I agree with you Jon but you are here about a relationship with your wife.

Yes I am but your comment really covers all human relationship, doesn’t it?

I’m not sure but just for now let’s keep it as the conflict between you and your wife and let’s gain an understanding of that. I believe we can do that sir if you want. As men are we willing to take a journey together and take a hard look at ourselves so that we can look and see how deeply we are conditioned and how very little questioning of that conditioning goes on? And because we don’t question and examine our thinking but are conditioned, we have lost touch with our maleness therefore we are in conflict with woman.

Well there is no doubt that I’m in conflict with my wife. Most of the time I don’t like her and all the things she stands for.

Yes. Or you have a deep resentment for your wife!

Yes I guess I do.

How do you know that this resentment is an absolute indisputable fact?

While now that you’re discussing it I do feel I have a strong resentment of my wife. As a matter of fact I can’t seem to get close to her and get her approval.

Jon, your resentment is deeper than approval. You hate the fact that you need her far more than she needs you. Women are now saying I want a man in my bed but I don’t want them in my home. We’re coming to that more and more.

I don’t get what you’re saying! I need her more than she needs me? I don’t think so!

Jon, what do you want from your wife?

I want her to meet my needs so that I can be happy!

Which means what? You see her as your source of happiness and that source of happiness is outside of you in her.

Yes I would agree she is a source of my happiness.

Now do you really think you’re the source of happiness in her life?

Not like she is for me!

That’s my point. Men, since the dawn of time have sought happiness from sources outside of themselves. Not finding it in woman, we resent them, their power.

This is getting very complicated. I’m pretty easy-going guy. Just fuck me the way I want it, yeah, the way I want it and she can pretty much get everything from me she wants and needs.

Yes Jon you have just put it perfectly: your conditioning of woman is they are there for your pleasure, and the more pleasure she gives you the more she covers up your inadequacy.

I didn’t say that!

Let’s be real Jon. Don’t you want your wife for sex?

Well it’s a bigger part of the relationship then it is for her!

Which means what? You want it more often than she does and when you get it the way you want it you perceive your relationship to be what?

Fantastic I guess.

Okay, so when are you in conflict with your wife?

What? I don’t get it!

So you’re dependent on her to give you pleasure. When she doesn’t give that to you, what do you do?

I don’t know. Stay away I guess. Keep out of her way.

More than that Jon. Don’t you try to bully her, get moody, manipulate her, pout, see strippers, pornography, hang out with the boys etc?

Yeah I guess you’re right, if I’m being honest.

Why wouldn’t you want to be anything but honest?

The conversation were having right now is very different. I’m not used to talking to people like this!

Yes I know it’s very hard for men to be honest. Most men will debate theoretical physics, politics, economics, but very few men will really discuss the matters of the heart. Sex for most men meets their sense of loving and belonging, a deep need that exists in most human beings. Men really believe and have been conditioned to think that sex satisfies that need. But all that does is inflame the appetite for the behavior of sex. Now I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with having sex – it has its place. But unless we face our deep resentment of woman, we can’t go beyond.

I don’t understand this deep resentment of women! I don’t think that’s in my life!

So tell me what happens when you get together with a group of male friends, especially when there’s drinking.

Well, we joke around a lot!

No you don’t joke around a lot. What happens is you attack each other jokingly, you dig at each other, criticize each other all done in fun, until one guy really gets ganged up on, made a fool of, and all the guys laugh when he gets pissed off. Everybody hates to be that guy that gets picked on but the fact is that’s how most males relate with each other, to different degrees.

Okay I see what you’re saying. That’s true but why?

Because we are all so frustrated!

Frustrated about what?

Frustrated with the fact that we need women far more than they need us. We try to connect through the intellect which doesn’t work. So we spend our time humiliating them in all kinds of ways because of our own inadequacy. Our own frustration is from not knowing how to find happiness from a source inside ourselves. So when we can’t we addict to all kinds of things. Addiction is always the sign of dependency caused by inadequacy within ourselves. That’s the pain, and woman was born with purpose, a vessel of creation that doesn’t have a clue how to nurture a man. Therefore we have conflict and all the anger and brutality that go with it.

This is really rattling me! I just don’t know what to say. I see some truth in what you’re saying but the problem seems so overwhelming. I can’t tell my wife what I really think of her. I know in my heart what I really want to do is humiliate her. I want to hurt her as bad as she hurts me. I am so sick of her independence and her strength and… and!

The fact she doesn’t need you!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Jon I know this is difficult but when are you happiest with your wife?

When I’m not so dependent on her and my life is filled with other things. I just don’t know if I can remain married. A part of me knows I love her yet by what we’ve discussed that seems to be a contradiction.

Yes you’re right it is the very structure of thinking, which is at the root of conflict, is a contradiction. The point of all this Jon is to face the fact of your conditioning without condemning or justify it. If you can perceive all the disorder in your relationship with your wife, then something new takes place. And that newness has nothing whatsoever to do with thought or the thinking process. Thinking is where we hide, where we lie, where we resent. Face it Jon and see it as it is.

I know this is just the beginning for me and I know why my pastor sent me to you. This conversation is very profound to me, so thanks. I know I would like to come back and see you but I need little time to digest all this.

I understand, come back whenever.

Coach Bri


The Dance of Anger

March 18, 2011

The breeze was warm and had the promise of another shower. The grass was very wet and the roadside had many puddles but the road itself had all its moisture taken by the warm breeze. Soon there was another shower that only lasted a few minutes and again the wind would work its magic and pick up the moisture and re-dump it somewhere downwind. This cycle seemed to be endless: the exchange of energy between the air and water.

Anger too seems to have the same cycle.  There is first the hurt of an image put together by thought and the emotional content of those thoughts and the release of energy, outwardly.  That eventually dissipates only to give rise to a new image and expectation and the cycle begins again when that images is again offended. The behavior of anger always creates a distance from the one who releases their anger and the one they let it out on. Eventually the distance between the two becomes so wide all relationship is destroyed and what was once the spark of love gives way to the spark of avoidance and contempt.

Only in the holding of anger can it be observed without restraint and end. It needs to be seen in the same way as one watches or tracks the movement of a deadly animal as you come across its path. The ending of anger is the freedom from the known, which is the cause of all psychological problems. Anger is anger and nothing can be done about or with it. To see its movement is the factor that allows it to run its course and die. Any interference by thought condemning or justifying it is to resist the lesson it offers.  Human beings have used anger forever as a means to an end, rendering them helpless in their Neanderthal conditioning.   To perceive anger fully is to save the energy of anger, which is the process of its own transformation.

Coach Bri


A Question

February 23, 2010

I was thinking about what you have said at Friday night group, and I had a flash of what I think may be that order you were talking about. What I saw was that I have been raised in a so-called religious home. But when I think of all the external control applied by my parents I feel that the level of criticism that I received and now practice on my family is what you say is my disorder. I think I see this. My son acts out of his disorder and I add to it. Do I have this correct?

What is the disorder you practice on your son?

Well, it is the same as I practiced on my husband! That anger and frustration!

Yes but are you not the anger and frustration, which is the fact of your disorder?

Yes, so what do I do now? Practice internal psychology, right?

So what do you do in your anger and frustration?

As you have said a thousand times, I choose a behavior that kills the relationships so I am caught in the thinking mode and I have to act it out on someone.

Can you see that choosing a predisposed position is one action that again reinforces the thinking process and external psychology?

I don’t follow that! Do you mean that practicing an internal psychology is also part of disorder?

No, I don’t think you can willfully practice an internal psychology.

I don’t understand. Can you make it clearer?

One must come to terms with something!

And that something is?

Your brain, my brain, is caught in a web called consciousness. It is made up of a self and every person has a self. Self is a product of memory, which is caught in time because self is a product of experience.

Ok I get that! Self is a group of experiences that I gather in the brain as memory. But I have a sense that I have aged and am wiser now than I was 10 years ago!

Yes but you’re not!

How do you know that?

You just have more knowledge about your self but you are still caught in your animal instincts and sustain them by using thought.

Okay I am more sustaining now than I was when I was 20.

Yes, true, but that is proof your not wiser!

I don’t get this then!!

Yes I know! Look at it! Or don’t look – the choice is yours.

No I want to look at it! It is just you piss me off so much.

Yes I know!

See! So you’re doing it on purpose!

No! You are angry now with me, right? Or your son or husband right?

Yes! Yes!

Who is it that is angry?

My self at your self!

So is your self different from your anger?

Yes, there is anger then there is me, my self acting out the anger!

What if you is anger!

Me is anger? I don’t get that.

You see, external control psychology has built the self out of memory. Self is a bundle of memory stored in the brain called self.

Okay, I see that and I guess it sounds right!

This sense of self is formed from the outside!
If I asked you, who you are, you would say what?

That I am me!

And who is you!

I would say I am a Canadian, a mother, a wife!

Yes and where did you learn that?

I guess from my parents!

Yes, but partly from your environment or society.

Okay!

And that is external from you!

What do you mean by that, “external from you”?

Well, you were conditioned to think you are Canadian.

I am a Canadian!

Yes, when you accept who you are governed by the external thinking. If you were born in the same place 500 years ago, would you still be a Canadian?

Of course I would!

Canada didn’t exist as Canada 500 years ago. The land did but not the conditioning called Canada.

Yes, I see what you’re driving at! How about my beliefs?

They are all put in you then you modify them to suit your experience.

Yes, but I have a belief about the universal energy and reincarnation! That is real!

Real yes, but untrue.

What do you mean? It is true to me. I live by it!

Yes each person lives according to his own belief! But why? Why is believing so important to us? To you or any human being?

Because it gives life meaning?

Okay, how? It only gives you a sense of false security!

Look I believe what I believe and I have the … damn…

Right to! And that right gives one a sense of security, no?

And what is wrong with feeling secure?

Well isn’t the demand for security a sign of insecurity!

Okay I think I see that?

Think you see that? Isn’t every problem you have with your husband and son you looking for security and if they only did what you said, lived how you want them to, there would be no conflict?

Yes okay, I see it! I see it! I get it!

What is it you get?

When I have problems with them we are in conflict and I see I’m the source of that conflict. I get that when my belief is there for them my self is there. The feeling of anger and frustration is the self, which is me in action.

Yes, now what can you do about that?

I don’t know? My life is this!

Yes it is! Now can I see that trying to change in any way is to avoid my inner ugliness and the fact that me, anger, frustration is all one clump of self or ego. So if I try to do anything to self, to change, is the wrong approach. This is self judging self, trying to get out of self, which strengthens self!

You know I think I do that! Strange as it is! That is my life.

Okay, so see the fact and remain with the fact that the self-centered movement is one movement. Fear is self, hurt is self etc. You can’t do anything about it. If you do you are creating more conflict. If you are willing to end all conflict, self and its beliefs no longer fuel external psychology and one comes upon a deep movement not the product of the self. That movement brings order and that order is a new beginning.

I have lots to think about! Thank you!!!

You’re welcome.

Coach bri


Ask a Man How He Feels

June 16, 2009

Ask a man what he thinks and you give him honor and friendship. Ask him what he feels and he looks at you like you have two heads. I have watched this subtle meanness for some time now. It is sad and so deeply conditioned and causes so much unneeded suffering. It is common and practiced by uneducated as well as the so called educated. Most men wouldn’t be able to say much to each other if they didn’t practice this in all its subtle forms. Men are wounded and hide their hurt in so many sophisticated ways. Most men use humor to cover it up. If you listen to men in social situations, the last thing they would talk about or are even interested in talking about is their feelings. If they do they are classified as being ladylike, homosexual, girly, wussy, a fag, or a pansy. Men like the conversation to be either light and fun or intellectual. It is here where they feel safe. If you watch a group of men together with so-called friends, you will see how they joke with each other. Some of it is just in fun, light and not too personal. But unfortunately men have been deeply conditioned to establish their dominance in a situation. This is woven into our genes and comes out in most men as a means to satisfy their need for power. All men don’t learn this, particularly if they have been raised without power-tripping parents who let kids choose and learn. Or some boys questioned at a young age and have sorted out the fact that they don’t like being controlled by others so they don’t try to control others. These men make good husbands and great dads because they put relationship before intellect. They feel as well as think but feeling rules not thinking. Therefore they do things to keep the closeness and relationship strong.

Coach bri


Awareness Has No Cause

June 15, 2009

I have come to see you because of something you said at a Friday Night Group.
One of the members of this group was there and he was causing a lot of problems, judging people and trying to get a fight going. He seems so unable to, as you call it, evaluate himself. He was very good at evaluating them but there came a point in that meeting where you locked eyes with him and told him to leave himself alone. Now there are two things that I noticed in him: One, was he was very afraid of you and secondly, the more important one, was how you seem to be aware of things that I am not. So my question is this: What is this awareness all about?

Okay, so you wish to understand this thing called awareness. Can I ask why?

Well, if I was more aware I think I would get more out of things, I guess?

So your inquiry is to get something out of this awareness. Is that not a self-centered approach to the problem?

Okay, yes it is. So what?

Is awareness a self-centered movement? Or is awareness stopped and non-existent when one is self-centered?

I kinda see what you mean but not fully.

In order to find out what awareness is, must we not find out what awareness is not? Then from there discover how unaware we are.

I am not sure! I feel aware sometimes. But then it doesn’t seem to last long.

Of course!

Why do you say ‘of course’?

Anything willful, planned, by effort, by imagining or by drugs cannot make one aware.

So you are saying it can’t be forced.

Yes but much more than that! Awareness has no cause, being unaware has a cause.

Which is what? What is the cause of unawareness then?

To be preoccupied sir. That is simple then isn’t it?

When you put it that way yes! So then why are we so unaware?

The brain is always active, thinking sir, it is on override. Thinking enters places where it has little value or meaning.

Those places are?

Thinking has very little value in the area of human relationship. It gives one the illusion of relationship because you think like someone else or like a group of people. This has been our downfall sir. Surely you see that!

I think I do but it seems too deep for me.

Yes that is another thing that thinking does to avoid the issue.

What issue? And I think you have just called me lazy.

No sir, the fact is we are lazy! You are only not lazy when there is some pleasure in it for you, when you find the motivation, no sir?

Yes I see that. But relationship?

Sir, relationship through thinking is only association. People who are united through thinking are united through beliefs, be they religious, political, philosophical, or economic, it is all so superficial. Relationship implies being connected, contacting, being in movement with.

So can you say I am connected through my faith or religion?

No sir, that is not true!

Why not?

That is simple to see! Because being connected through anything that thinking creates like religion, philosophy, etc, is going to separate you from some other group which then leads to conflict and war. That has been our history of life on this planet – lot of things put together by thinking and the denial of relationship because of those things.

That is amazing!

Yes! If you see it and remain with it! Relationship in life is the most important thing. Not the job you have or the car you drive. But a deep connection first sir with your being. You are not the things thinking says you are. You are far deeper and richer than that. To see the fact of that one must refuse to enter any relationship or give importance to any relationship that is based on what thinking has put together.

Then how do I live Bri?

Sir, most people are struggling for human connection, socially we have great difficulty finding love and security.

No doubt about that!

See why sir? Because the things that are supposed to bring us security, like money, a job, religion, my family, bring conflict and conformity. When I don’t conform to the demands of another, I am left out! Thrown out! Relationship and connection come about when thinking is quiet, when I have no judgment, no preconceived idea about myself and or another. This is the movement of compassion; it arises in the ashes of all my self-centered thinking. So many people are unaware sir of what is happening, how quickly life comes and goes and at the end of our years most people’s brains are worn out. They are dazed and confused by their conflictual lives. Conflict breeds its own energy, rising out of the mechanical process of thought which fuels the war machine and has been doing that for one hundred thousand years. Relationship, connection is a more subtle movement which blooms in awareness. That awareness is not something that has any relationship to thinking – one cannot think oneself aware. When you are in discord or conflict, hurt, jealously, fear, greed, we poison everything we touch. To be aware of these movements as they are happening in you without trying to get rid of them is meditation. In that meditation awareness is the cornerstone of all relationship, thinking is perceived and torn out. In that we are free and that freedom is the movement of love, compassion and intelligence.

You strike a hard bargain.

No sir, bargaining is another form of trying to get what we want. I want nothing from you! Just see the truth of what is being said. It has nothing to do with me really. I’m not trying to convince you of anything.

Well you’re doing a damn good job!

Maybe you just see the truth of what is being said.

Yes maybe! Thanks. May I come again?

Of course!

Coach bri


I Hate Her!

April 28, 2009

Spring was making attempts to come but the cold arctic air was still felt in the mid afternoon. He was very disappointed in the weather and snow was forecast for the next several days. He walked into the office, strongly and briskly, and he dropped down into the chair and talked as if he wanted to get at it. He attacked the conversation about the weather as if he was taking personal offense to the cold and that cold was out to get him.

Why am I so unhappy? I seem to mess up all the time. If I talk to anyone I am ok. I listen but the moment I start to give my opinion, people are against me and I always end up in some sort of fight. My wife tells me all the time I love conflict. I feel I hate it and am sick of fighting. I feel she pulls that on me to get her way and she knows it hurts me so I will back off. I wish I just didn’t have to fight all the time

Sir if I may…Human beings have settled into conflict and all we seem to accept life as is a struggle. The question is: struggle against what? For what? Everything is made into a problem to be solved. This is from the technical and survival training we had years ago to use in order to battle the forces of nature. To survive in the wilderness thinking and all its innovation were essential so that we could live. But why do we live in conflict now? That is the question, is it not sir?

I think it is! But I have asked a similar question to that and when I ask it to people, we end up in conflict of opinion, then it goes downhill from there.

Sir, you see the war around you, the fighting on the TV. It is getting far worse with all these extreme shows. Really they are all conflict based and people love to watch those reality show because why sir? Why are we so interested in watching who gets sent home or loses the most weight etc? Why Sir?

I guess we like it!

What is there to like? We watch people emotionally torture people, right sir! We love to see people deal with rejection, fear, anxiety, all kinds of stuff. Why?

I guess it is entertaining, to see people suffer I guess.

Yes, but why do we want others to suffer? And watch it? The more gory the better.

I don’t know why. I just like it I guess.

Apart from that sir? You watch the extreme or go to extremes. Why?

I have no idea. I see what you mean but it seems so hidden.

Is it that we are so desensitized? Sir, in the extreme we feel alive; our emotions are touched because we have lost all our sensitivity.

Well I feel like nothing touches me. Except sex perhaps and then in that it has to be aggressive, or degrading. I don’t mean I hit her or anything it just that….

That there is no sensitivity or tenderness in it. Right Sir? You are with the body but not the being.

That basically sums that up! But there is so much conflict between us.

Yes John! And the source of that conflict is what?

I guess we are on different pages. Or something!

No, much deeper, your self is in battle with her self and where self is, love, compassion, and tenderness are not.

That is true. We haven’t been friends for the past ten years.

Yes sir, friends don’t live in conflict. They don’t take part in it.

Well we have lots of that; sometimes I have nothing but hate and resentment for her and nothing else.

And for you, what does she have?

I guess the same – she has just given up on me.

Given up on what Sir?

On me. I have let her down. I am not the man she once wanted or ever had. I can’t live up to her expectations.

Can she live up to yours sir?

So you are saying it is my fault then or both our faults?

Does it matter whose fault it is sir? Really?

Well I blame her and she blames me.

Yes, so then what? Two people waiting for the other to change, two people know how the other should change, two people sure they know what is best for the other and therefore no relationship.

Ok, buddy, you have made your point. So there is my miserable little life.

No sir, life is what happens to you when you are not in conflict. The problem is we are in conflict most of the time.

With what?

With time itself and everything it has created.

Wait! That is a bit off. I don’t get it.

Thought has produced who you think you are. You have gathered that from the outside, thinking it is an internal movement. Therefore you are always trying to become something better that what you are. So you are programmed to build an image about yourself because everyone around you is building images about themselves.

Why would they do that?

To belong, to give one’s self or ego a sense that it is real.

But if it comes from the outside, it is not from my inside, then why does it feel so important and precious?

It gives one a sense of security which is false and because it is the only thing thought knows what to do – to build images and think they’re real.

So you are telling me I am in conflict with my wife because I see her through an image.

Yes sir!

What image?

The one that suits you at any given time.

So if that is true I am doing this to her and she to me then that means that our relationship isn’t real.

Sir, if you see you are in conflict with someone, isn’t that conflict based on opposing points of view, opposing images? So drop your image!

Well why should I? Why don’t you tell her to drop hers?

That is just it sir! Do you see it? I am miserable, and I want someone else to change. This is how we live – so irresponsible to our own transformation.

Bud, look, I know you are right and at the same time I am happy about this conversation but at the same time … you!!! I’m just so angry, yet grateful … no, angry for…….

… You’re pissed at me, right sir?

Yeah, but I see what you are saying. It is just so demanding and I see it is me, not her. My whole life is this blaming.

I know! Petty little lives we live, right sir?

Yeah! Thanks!

Coach bri


Life Coaching with Brian O’Reilly

February 24, 2009

Relationship is the most important process of our life; it is the source of all happiness.

In a world where we are educated to earn a livelihood, we have forgotten how to live and get along with the people in our life the way we want and need to. This is the source of all the personal psychological problems. We have been conditioned to think we are weak and the process of trying to become something is slowly eroding our intelligence. Therefore we think happiness comes in letters after your name or in what you own or the size of your bank account. We have been taught to hate, to discriminate, and think we are different than other creatures of the earth, and now we have cultivated a sense of entitlement. We have being conditioned to think we are the most important and entitled to anything we want without any ramifications.

The psyche of human beings is entangled with knowledge, creating a self that seeks to acquire outside points of reference like religions, political associations, educational credentials and culture. The self, which is a process of accumulation, from conditioning external to us, has given us the impression it is an internal movement. The importance placed on these external movements has formed people’s personal identity thus we are attached to them and the horrors they instill. We are educated to have beliefs, opinions, and ideals, which we ram down people’s throats in all situations where we don’t get along. This source of not getting along is the practice of the external control psychology or self, ego, that
1. reacts to information
2. blames situations and others when we are unhappy
3. evaluates others when we are the ones who are miserable,
4. imposes on others what we think is best for them, which is the knowledge that creates a self.

Remedy: In every situation, practice dying to external control and practice internal psychology.

1. See your attachment to external psychology, which is the self.

Your are not the car you drive, the house you own, the letters after your name, the position you hold in the firm, the size of your bank account, the clothes you wear and you are not your religious or non-religious beliefs. Your political associations do not define you, your behavior does. Thus the phrase: “Get over yourself!”.

2. Don’t buy into the idea that information makes your behave! You are always in control of everything you do. Even when you lose it, you have chosen your behavior.

3. The common denominator in all of your human misery and pain is what you are thinking and doing in the moment that it occurs, so change you.

4.Don’t be an expert in anyone else’s life, just your own. You only know what is best for you.

Coach Bri

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