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Friday Night Group – article in the Goderich Signal Star

April 22, 2014

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We Cannot Face the Way We Are

April 9, 2012

One of our deepest psychological problems is that we cannot face ourselves the way we are. We refuse to see how our consciousness is in such a deep disturbing mess. We all basically know that because we are aware of the contradictions that exist in us. We want to be fit and trim yet we overeat and don’t exercise, or we exercise like a fanatic and eat all the foods that maintain our insulin levels high and therefore we gain weight. We smoke, we drink and we want to stop smoking or stop drinking, or we see ourselves being angry, violent, hurtful, hateful, and we want to be the opposite of what we are.

Our consciousness is in great trouble. We are so deeply disturbed because we see ourselves as individuals and take refuge in being an individual, when really, if you look deeply at it, we’re not individuals at all. The formation of our psychology, mainly external control, has all been imposed from the outside. If you ask yourself who you are, you can examine for yourself — you are who you believe you are and all of your beliefs have been imposed first from the outside and then you modify them inwardly.

You’re sitting in a room right now listening to me talk but you see yourself as the center of the room and everything around you physically is imposed by the distance from you to get in you, as every brain in the room is doing. Every brain in this room suffers from exactly the same psychological problems that every other brain in the room is suffering from and we’re not talking about it, we cover it up. Why do we cover it up? What’s the point in keeping it covered up? Because in so doing you get to hang on to your individuality or, to put it better, the illusion of your individuality.

Can we look a little deeper at this? Are you willing to look or are you already terrified by me because I’m not offering you anything? Part of our external psychology conditioning is that we have to do something to get something and if we don’t get something from what we’re doing then what we’re doing is useless, and how many of us want to be useless? Every person in the room is afraid to be useless. For every person in the room, the prime occupation of your life is finding a sense of psychological security and the past thousand generations of human beings that has been their occupation. If I am born in Russia, America, or Canada, the operation of my brain is exactly the same as it is in any one of these areas in the world. I don’t know if you see this. Most of you are terrified to look anew.

Years ago tribes clubbed themselves to death because of their different beliefs with bones, sticks, stones, and arrows. Today we do exactly the same thing but the tribes are now countries and the interest of the tribe is now the interest of the nation; the tribe who was aggressive and bullied and conquered other tribes is today the nation bullying and conquering other nations to satisfy their self-interests. Yes, their self-interest and that is the poison of each one of us in this room today. We are looking out for our own self-interest and that is why we see ourselves as Canadians, Americans, Russians, Germans, Christians, Hindus, Muslims, or Jews. We have all bought into that sickness and that sickness is the antichrist.

I am not selling religion. I have no religious or political affiliations. Anything that brings about a division between you and another is a poison in your consciousness that feeds your belief system and you then identify who you are with your belief system and because of that belief system your whole psychology comes out of that. And that psychology is the psychology of external control and how that psychology was formed is the same for every brain in this world. Every brain in this room took information in through their senses. If I was born in Russia, United States, or New Zealand, I took information into my senses. That information was my experience and that experience formed my memory, which became my knowledge. From there I then again experience that knowledge as a collection of images created by the process of thinking. And that is what we have bought into – you really believe you are your thinking. You really believe that what thought says about you and about others is true. You have bought into that you are Muslim or Jewish or Christian. You have bought into that you are American, Canadian, or Russian but you are not. We are one people, one planet, and the brotherhood of mankind. All those religions, all those political differences, all of those divisions of nationality, and all of their traditions are the very poison in your consciousness that keeps you as a separate entity and me as a separate entity that leads to war, that leads to the practice of external psychology, that poisons and is destroying this world. Every brain in the room is practicing it. External psychology is the psychology of the ignorant, the psychology of corruption and unless each one of us investigates the external psychology conditioning we have and brings about an end to it, your world, my world, the world will never live in peace. We will never know love; we will never know what it means to be loved.

We think we are individuals because we identify who we are with the things of thinking and every brain in the room does it, so how can we be individuals? It’s like taking a whole bunch of glasses and filling them with different colored water and saying all of these glasses are unique. In all of these glasses the content is unique but the difference is so superficial or simply a different color. Do you know what gives something its color? What it reflects. Things are the color blue or yellow or green because that object absorbs all the other colors except the color and it gives it off. That is why something is its color. So by analogy you will have absorbed a tremendous amount of someone else’s knowledge that you got from the outside and you claim to be you.

The most learned people in the world, with all their PhD’s, being well read, are masters at accumulating knowledge and that knowledge is absolutely useless for a human being to reach his or her potential. If you have all the knowledge in the world and know nothing of love you are nothing more than a learned ignoramus and you will corrupt everything you touch. External psychology is practiced in many ways but you know that your self is the construction of this external psychology. This self, which is you, is full of psychological suffering. In every situation the dominant need of this self is to be secure psychologically and because each person that makes up a tribe or nation is doing it, it identifies with that tribe or nation and because of its identity is willing to see itself as different than another nation and then it’s willing to kill to protect what it is at any cost and divide and conquer. This basically means do things my way or else! And that’s how most of us live.

This self-consciousness has a primary belief that somewhere in it there’s this spiritual element, this higher self, this godly creature, and because it cannot solve one of its psychological problems, it creates the illusion that somewhere in it there is a spiritual being or somewhere outside of it there’s a spiritual being. All the religions have this because self does not want to take responsibility for how distorted and messed up it truly is so it has invented a supreme being and all kinds of illusions so that that self doesn’t have to come to an end. Self is terrified of its own death and that is another commonality in this room: we are terrified of death. So for individuals, how do we use how we individual we are when we suffer from the fear of death? This self, with its external psychology, when it is in a situation with another human being in a so-called relationship and is unhappy, it always says it’s the other person’s fault. It always tries to find fault when it’s unhappy with someone or something outside itself. I’m sure we’re all doing that in this room too, aren’t we?

If you’ve been listening to this conversation that I’m having with you and you are disturbed by anything that I’m saying you’re going to blame me for that disturbance. That’s what we do. We never, when disturbed, go inside and look and see the source of that disturbance is and are passionate about. Only then can we end that conflict between me and you because that means you have to be responsible. The self, as it is when it’s disturbed in relationship with other human beings, then says I’m disturbed or I’m bothered and I’d be less bothered if you would change. So when we feel bothered we’re all about blaming the other person and then we want them to change when we’re the ones that feel hurt or miserable.

It is another human conundrum that what happy people evaluate is other people while happy people self-evaluate. Another part of ourselves that supposedly is individual, but it’s going on in every single one of us, is in human relationship when we enter conflict, often the source of that conflict is the simple fact that self really believes it knows what’s best for other people. You can see this clearly when two people supposedly fall in love, get together, hook up whatever, and in that process they really think they begin to know what’s best for the other person and they inflict this belief on them. We even have a term for it in marriage – we say “the honeymoon’s over”. It’s a simple fact that as we go through our lives – as teenagers we start to want to listen to our own kind of music, wear the clothes we want to wear, hangout with who we want to hang out with. You basically know what’s best but then soon, into our young adulthood, we start knowing what’s best for other people and we impose it on the other and the relationship falls apart, the marriage falls apart, the relationship between the teacher and the students fall apart, just because of that condition.

Then what follows, which is probably the most destructive condition, is the psychology of identity – identifying yourself with the house you own, the money in your bank account, your religion, your girlfriend or boyfriend or husband or wife, the ring on your finger, the car you drive, or the computer you have, defining who you are with the things of the outside. In the same way, you don’t see you are the faith in religion you have because you’ve been conditioned that way, you got that from the outside and yes, it seems like an internal movement but it’s not an internal movement. It’s a movement from the outside in and because it’s from the outside in and everyone’s doing it, it’s bringing about a tremendous fragmentation within our lives that always ends up in conflict.

There we are, living in a small little corner in our brain, practicing the habits of external control. Whenever this entity we identify with and which forms ourselves doesn’t get its way, the first thing it does is usually criticize other people. Yes, we’re even told that there is such a thing as constructive criticism, a very sophisticated intellectual approach to the problem. When I ask people, “When’s the last time someone was giving you some of their constructive criticism and you said to him that that was really fantastic, thanks a lot, I feel really good about myself now and you really opened up my life for me, I’ve seen the light?” When the self doesn’t get its way and external psychology is practiced it often humiliates to control. Another habit that it does is guilt people. And still another habit of external control psychology is punishing people and believe me, if punishment worked our criminal institutions would be empty! And these institutions are composed of over ninety percent repeat offenders! A lot of very intelligent people have learned the art of rewarding to control people. We could call them bribes perhaps. I’ve seen many intellectual programs use the reward system and what happens is people like the rewards but end up hating the rewarder and eventually the rewards don’t work in the business world and they become out of control and the employees hate going to work because they feel the pressure of this carrot that’s being dangled in front of their face.

Our lives are full of external control psychology in our so-called relationships and you see how much how many people nag a person or complain. These external control habits also destroy the very structure of relationship. When we go little a deeper with this and we look at the present state of the world, we now have a new Nazism and that Nazism is the brainwashing that’s going on in our schools and our families. The source of this is the external control that’s being practiced is psychiatry with the use of psychotropic medication. If I have cancer and I go to England, Ireland, Scotland, America, or India they can do a physiological test and they will see that I have cancer. But if I am unsettled inside myself because inwardly this external psychology is being practiced on me, and in my relationships, and I don’t have any good, loving, caring relationships, so inwardly I can’t focus at school. Therefore I can’t get along with people because I’m too emotionally torn up and I have a mental illness the psychiatrists call ADHD. If I’m so disturbed inside emotionally and beat up from the pressures of external control, and I don’t trust the adults anymore in my life, and I don’t give them authority in my life out of my own intelligence because I know how whacked out they are, then I get labeled with oppositional disorder. When you look up the definition of oppositional disorder, it basically means somebody who doesn’t like to be told what to do. And if I’m sensitive by nature and hurt and wounded and can’t find the love and care that I need in the environments I’m in because of my sensitivity, my brain goes into a creative state where I will invent people and worlds and voices that I talk to because my life is a living hell and these people we call schizophrenics or bipolar, another made-up illness by pharmaceutical companies with psychiatrists that are the next Gestapo.

Being on the psychotropic medications takes away a person’s ability to feel and when you take away a human being’s ability to feel you take away their creativity and therefore you’re taking away their humanity. And now we are creating generations of human beings that have no sense of morals, no sense of psychological pain who are able to inflict pain on others without any sense of remorse. And the reason being is that these pharmaceutical chemicals are getting into our genes and doing a tremendous amount of damage.

You can easily see that you have a creative system when somebody like a friend of yours in a situation in which you are so utterly embarrassed because of what they said to you or did to you that you cannot think of a comeback. You’re like a deer in the headlights of a car and you don’t know which way to move, you’re completely blindsided and when the human brain has felt that type of challenge, eventually, when you’re walking home, or after you sleep on it, what comes to your mind is the perfect retort. That is your creative system, and these drug companies and psychiatrists are taking it away from you and we’re letting them.

External psychology sees itself as the center of the universe and by living in and through that psychology we never reach our potential as human beings because there is a different psychology and the world knows this. The difficulty is that everyone is trying to get to that internal psychology through the already existing external path thinking has created. This external psychology thinking is responsible for this external psychology and thinking thinks it can think its way out of it. That’s why the self is always looking for some type of experience, isn’t it? Some religious experience, some noble experience, some enlightening experience, because self is always after experience because experience is the only thing that self knows. It doesn’t see that the experiencer is in the experience — it doesn’t see that self is anger, self is theater, there’s no me separate from fear – I is fear, I is hurt. But I/self is always trying to bring about a division between what it actually is and what it feels, therefore it thinks it can think its way out of its problem, but it can’t. Thinking is a limited thing, put together in time. Please just think of this for a second. You learn the alphabet through time, you learn the sounds over time, and you learn letters and words over time. Everything that’s put in to you all— the religions are formed by words, which are all products of time past, present, future. It’s all thinking put together by time, itself is a product of time. That’s why self has difficulty with death because death is the unknown and self is the known and if our minds are not free of the known, we can never touch something deeper and richer, which is real intelligence, love, and compassion. Most of us have only bleeps of that in our life and then self moves in and says “I hope for more of those movements” and the very essence of hope is again hope to change self, which is again a product of time because hope is always the future.

I’m getting a signal that we’re almost out of time so I want to be able to wrap up this conversation. There is a movement deeper and richer than the movement of self and time in the brain. That movement cannot come about by practicing any method that thought has put together, be it yoga, meditation of the East or the West, Bach flower remedies, gems, psychoanalysis, all of these things that are systems, are all put together by thought. But what was put together by thought cannot lead you out of thought; it only strengthens thought.

I am not a Christian but I believe there are things in all the great religions, when you separate all the man-made garbage in them, which are pointing to truth. Religions are not a path to truth because there is no path to truth; there can’t be a path to a living thing because it’s always moving. Christ has made the statement that before time was I AM. I believe he was pointing to a movement outside the field of time, a completely different consciousness that is free of all experience. We cannot think ourselves to this consciousness but what we can do is end this self-consciousness, this external psychology that is crippling us and harms every relationship we practice it in. This may be of use to you or it may not be, I apologize for my ignorance!
Thank you.

Please, if you don’t mind, don’t clap. I haven’t come here to talk with you to entertain you. This is a serious matter and a deeply profound matter, something to wake up to the tragedy and ignorance of our lives. Very few people are interested and you’ll quickly make this into some entertainment because at any moment the wolf that is the to self will devour the lamb.

 

 

Coach Bri

 


How Stupid I Am!

September 7, 2011

You presented to the OHL and my brother spent two days with you and he recommend that I come and see you. Before we get started I want to let you know that I feel my life is pointless. I lost a boyfriend of eight years – we were supposed to be married but he now is in med school and I have been depressed for about three months. I went to a psychic and she helped me get through the depression. But now I feel it is returning and my family is angry with me for the amount of money I have spent. But I feel this person has helped me a lot.

Yes. May I ask how?

Well, she seemed to know all about me. When I came in the room she could tell I was really hurting about something, and she knew he chose a job over me.

Miss, please, can we look straight at this? I know you are in some kind of pain, because no one goes to a psychic or counselor to tell them that their life is fantastic and they just have to pay someone to tell them to shout it from the rafters.

No, I guess not.

You are here because 1) You are looking for some help, perhaps looking for some meaning to your problem that makes sense to you; 2) You want some confirmation that this guy is a real ass and treated you in some way you didn’t deserve; Or 3) you are looking to find out the truth and will stop all this psychic business that you know is a pack of lies and manipulation.

Well I don’t think it is!

Yes I know!

If it is not, why are you here? Why not see your psychic?

I promised my brother I would give you a chance.

A chance to what?

Help  me!

When is the last time you saw your psychic?

I really don’t want to discuss her!

Yes, I know. Why not?

Sure told me to avoid doubters.

I’m sure. That is one of the big manipulations!
What is?

Like born again Christians telling their new recruits that if people question, that is Satan trying to pull you to the dark side. So they then back that up using scripture. Then the brainwashing begins!

So now you’re saying I’m brainwashed?

No miss. I’m saying when we want something we can be deceived. And one of the biggest things about deception is being confused. Whenever we get confused we look to some authority rather than self-evaluate.  This leads to self-deception because we don’t want to know the truth of the situation that we are at the heart of our own misery.

I am not happy being depressed!!

No one is, but you depress, you’re in pain.

And the pain is?

You tell me!

That he won’t marry me!!

Yes but that isn’t the real pain is it?

I think it is! Okay! It’s my pain! For shit sake!

Well I don’t think you’re upset for three months because of him!

Then what for?

How many times has he promised to marry you?

A few!

So what would happen?

We go to one of mine or his friend’s weddings or showers and I would end up upset.

Yes. Then what?

I don’t know. What the fuck are you doing this to me for?

Doing what?

I feel like I’m in court!

Yes and who and what is on trial?

I feel I am!

And for what?

You’re being so goddamn stupid!!! Alright, I’m goddamn stupid!

How do you see yourself as stupid!

Because I tried to get him to marry me and I know he wouldn’t!

What told you that!

We would fight after something, he would leave, then we would get together and talk and he’d say that he just needed more time. So I would give in and then it would start all over again!

So eight years of this? Wow, you must have worked real hard with this guy!

I did! Now look what I have to show for it!

What?

Nothing!

I think you’ve got more than nothing.

What then?

You’re not lying to yourself anymore!

You just keep kicking when someone is down, don’t you!!!

I’m not kicking you and you know that! You’re kicking yourself and for a long time now!

I think you’re right! I’m sorry. I’m just so angry.

Yes, better than depressing, is it not?

So you say I’m choosing it?

Well when you think about how stupid you are, I think the feeling that goes with that is anger. But when you think about all eight years and time wasted and you getting older and you never finding someone….

Okay, I get your point… then I depress! (at this point she laughed)

Yep and now because you’re laughing you seem to have learned something about yourself. Can you tell me what?

I think I’m going to be okay, I can get through this!

Yes you’re not the first attractive young women who got mixed up with the non-marrying type of guy.

No I guess not!

No and there’s a good outcome here! You will find someone and be married. There’s lot of time – unless you have a terminal illness.

Just stupidity!

Well that’s getting better – you just moved towards wisdom today and I see more of it in the future.

So you’re a psychic now! I should pay you your 150 bucks!

Wow, if you’re paying that, I should become one!

Well how do you explain she knew it was a man in my life?

How many women see a psychic about a man in their life?

Okay, a lot I guess!

When did you start seeing her?

About three months ago!

How do you explain her knowing my relationship with my brother and how closer we are?

She said I see another man in your life he really cares for you and is loving and supportive. And you said that sounds like my brother. And you said yes!  Then you told her how close you are and see saw many qualities in him etc.

Oh my God! That is exactly how it happened!

Yes so now does that make me a psychic?

Okay, I see what you mean!

I’m not trying to be rude miss but human beings are so gullible and naïve.

Well I don’t see myself that way!

Yes and is that not the problem?

That kind of hurts! I didn’t come here to be insulted.

No but you stay after eight years with this guy. You must have got he wasn’t going to marry you!

I was hopeful.  Okay, okay I was the one that always called him and said I was sorry for the pressure.

Yes more truth! And how did you feel after you called him

Not very good!

So what did you have to say to him?

I see now I had to talk him into it!

Are you seeing that for the first time now today?

Yes!

And what is that like?

Like looking in a big mirror and seeing a fool! I guess love makes a fool of all of us!

Come on! If you married him, how long do you think it would last?

Not long. He’s so selfish!

Yes and some people I believe should never get married because they are too selfish. They don’t make good partners. They are not bad people they just aren’t cut out for marriage.

We he is one of them! But the other thing is we made a good couple. He’s nice looking and loves my looks, we would have had handsome kids.

But he didn’t love you enough to marry you, looks and all.

Yeah I know! You just say it don’t you?

Yeah enough men in your life have lied to you so I though I would be truthful.

I don’t know which one I like best!

I think you’re sick of lying to yourself and being lied too.

Yeah you’re right. At least I know where I stand.

In any healthy relationship where you stand is as important as what you’re standing on. If the foundation is lies, you build deception. If it is based on openness and honesty, you have trust.

You know I didn’t trust him?

Did you trust yourself?

No!

That means you were probably very needy!

I am! WAS!

Okay, good!

Can I see you again? This was shocking but good!

Sure. Let’s get together next week!

Thanks.

You’re welcome.

Coachbri


The Heart of Jealousy

July 26, 2011

It had been a long day. The heat seemed to make everything more laborious. As he walked to the little cabin his stride was slow and methodical. She had a lot of spring in her step. She walked ahead of him and told him to quicken his pace. After introductions we sat for several moment in silence and let the air-conditioned cabin refresh us.

I made the appointment with you because I am at my wits end with him. He is always depressed and seems to be so whenever he doesn’t get his way. This is the fourth time seeing someone like you and the only reason I am is because the other people we saw just wanted him on pills, saying that he has a chemical imbalance.  He had been on pills about fifteen years ago when I met him. He then had a chemical imbalance too but once we started dating he told me about it. After, I broke up with him because he was controlling and jealous at times. He stopped taking his meds because I told him I needed someone who I could count on and I didn’t want the roller coast life with him. I had been through that with my father.  We met again three months later and he was off meds and our life was fine.  But since he lost his job things have gotten a lot worse. The next person we saw told me he wasn’t getting enough sex, after he had a private session with each of us. It was basically my fault.

I said it wasn’t your fault, the husband said softly. We have been through all that. That guy was just a Freudian quack, he said in a louder voice.

So now we are here! He is depressed, is not working or looking after any of his responsibilities with the kids or looking for work.

Thanks for being so straight and honest! I hear your view of the problem and you might be 100% right. But what if you’re only partly right?

Then it is better than being 100% wrong!

So if we want to find a solution to this problem, which we haven’t fully defined, then would you be happy with only solving 50% of it?

No I guess not!

So I need to hear your husband’s side!

I am fine with what my wife said. She is right! She is always right when it comes to me. She knows me pretty well.

So does she always know what’s best for you?

Yeah, pretty much!

Wow this is an interesting case!

Well the last few we saw told us we were typical! said the wife .

Well I don’t think so, this I kinda unique!

How is that? they both said.

Well your husband may be the first human being I have met that his wife knows what best for him and he agrees with it.

This made them both laugh, for several minutes.

Do you see what you’re doing now, the both of you?

We’re laughing!

Yes, so I think your learning something! Can you tell me what?

We fight about this all the time. So it’s kind of funny!

And the fight is about what?

He always tells me to stop telling him what to do.

Okay and what goes on inside you, as her husband?

Well I just slow down! Or pretend I don’t hear her, or just do it!

But you’re angry and then get back at me with not helping the kids! Right?

Yeah! She’s right!

Yes and now you guys are doing it again!

Doing what again?

I think you know! You’re smart people!

I know what he means honey!

Good! Well tell me! I always said she is right!

Yes and there is more but if I am going to help you, I need to ask your husband some more questions.

Okay I’d like that! I love it when he squirms for a change.

Sir please tell me! How did you lose your job!

I quit!

Yes he holds jobs for about four to five years then quits!

Please I need to talk to your husband now. Just him, okay? When I’m done, I promise you can have a say! I just need a few minutes. Can you give me that!

Yeah, sorry!

Okay now what is common in all of your last jobs and your relationship with your wife!

He thought for several minutes and replied.

Yes sir, that’s it!

What is it? What was the last job you had that you really liked?

The last one!

Why did you quit then?

Well, I got this new boss and he was a real jerk!

Okay, the job before that?

I left because they wanted me to work in another department, a promotion.

Yes and the job before that?

I quit because the boss was a jerk!

What is the point of all this? I don’t get it! This is beginning to piss me off. What is your fuckin’ point?

I just made it!

What? Honey this guy’s another quack!

I don’ t think he is! I think I see something.

Now don’t tell him!

What? So now it’s two against one.

No it’s not. I’m not on his side. I’m on your side, said his wife.

Yes, I’m only on the side of your relationship! Right? That is what you are here to see me about – your relationship.

Okay, well, if my wife sees it and you see it, then what is it that you see? It’s only fair to tell me.

Well, I can tell you, said the wife, but he won’t let me!

Listen, you have come here to get some help right? And I feel I can help you. But I think it is very important for your husband to find this answer for himself. How many times in your life have other people told you about you and what your difficulty is or was and you listen to them?

Well, only if I care about the person!

Okay, so when your wife gives you her picture of what’s wrong with you, do you change?

He sure as hell doesn’t.

Pardon me but I am asking your husband.

Okay sorry!

She can’t help it – she’s all over me!

Well I should be, you’re acting depressed so you don’t have to work, so you can just be lazy!

Do you know what you’re both doing now? This is the cycle you’re both caught in and I don’t think you want to break that cycle.  You have too much invested in it!

Why would he and I invest in something that doesn’t work?

Yes, I don’t like this. I’m sick and tired of her at me all the time!

And I’m sick and tired of having to do everything while you depress! That’s not fair to me, and I deserve better. And let me tell another thing: if it wasn’t for the kids, I would be gone eight months ago.

So what stopped you? I questioned

The kids!

What about the kids?

It would hurt them too much to see us apart! I don’t think divorce is the answer!

Well in this case I don’t think it is easier. I feel you’re right!

So that puts me between a rock and a hard place, she said.

So when things were at their best and you felt good about your relationship, when was that!

Two years ago, said the husband.

About four months ago I guess really for me!

Wow. Tell me about for months ago!

I’m used to him working, making money, getting promoted and then within a few months he loses his job because he can’t get along with his new boss. It’s clockwork. Then he depresses, I get fed up and we see a counselor, I threaten to leave, he picks up his socks, gets a good job, does well. And the whole thing starts over again.

Okay!  So is this true or is it your perception of what happens.

My perception but it does happen!

Okay, now is she right!

Well yes but no!

The no is what, about eight months ago, right? You said eight months? What happened?

Nothing I can think of!

So the both of you can’t see anything that happened eight months ago.

Yes I can! said his wife.

What, we had a major fight?

We were at a pizza place and I lost it on him.

Why?

Because he asked me if I was having an affair with this guy we met at the pizza place.

How many times over the course of you being together has he accused you of having an affair?

My god, if I think back every time!

That is part of the pattern isn’t it?

I travel with work a couple times a year and I have to go through hell with him before I go and after I come back.

Well she just springs them on me!!!

No I don’t. I have to listen to you weeks before I go! I tried to give you time to prepare for me leaving. I am only gone three or four days two times a year, for gods sake!

At this, the room went dead quiet for some time. Then the wife noticed he was crying.

I’m just afraid you’re going to leave me! You’re so beautiful and it’s like before: I think you’re going to leave because you left me before.

Yes, when we were dating and we didn’t have children and I was not having an affair. If I wanted to be with someone else I would tell you and not have an affair behind your back. Give me some credit!!!

I do I do! I’m sorry. I just can’t help it!

Can I ask you a question? If you can’t help it, what do you think is going to happen to your relationship in the end, if you are incapable of learning something new?

Well, I guess I will drive her away!

So when you struggle with your relationship with your wife and you’re upset, who do you push away?

Well her I guess!

Yes and who else?

I don’t know!

I think you do!

Maybe the people I work with? Is that what your driving at?

I am asking. I see you are in pain. You love your wife and you have a lifetime of controlling people with your depressing.

Did it work on your wife?

No!

So when you feel out of control with your wife, what do you do?

I depress I guess!

Yes and what else?

I just stop working!

Before that?

I guess I just stop…

Trying to get along with people? I said

Yes!

So when you can’t get along with people, what happens?

I depress.

Would you stay married to someone like you?

No!

But she chooses to!

Hey I could do a lot worse! He has a lot of good qualities.

Like what?

Well, he’s very romantic at times. I know he loves me! He’s funny and sensitive for sure. It’s this jealousy thing – it keeps creeping up!

Yes, so if you could learn to not be jealous, what effect do you think that would have in your life, and the relationship with your wife?

It would sure improve things, the husband said.

It is what I always wanted! said the wife. I would love him more for it!

So what do you think? Could you and I get together separately some time next week and talk about your choice to be jealous?

It does feel like a choice!

Are you jealous now!

No! I don’t feel that way.

Why not!

I guess I feel like I’m caught with my pants down!

Yes, you exposed the insecurity that jealousy is.

Yes and it’s kinda dumb of me to be jealous.

Sir, jealousy is nothing more than the emotional content of your thinking, coming from the self that is insecure.

It feels stupid now that it is out like I’m …

Irrational sir!

Yes!

Can I see you next week?

Yes I am looking forward to it. Thanks. This was hard but good!

Yes sir! Life comes to wake us from our stupidity.

Coachbri


Relationship – working or not

June 21, 2011

With regards to all relationship: We can learn as important things from a relationship that doesn’t work as from something that does.

Coach Bri


My Husband Has Changed!

June 12, 2011

The rain had the ferocity of the wind behind it. It came in quickly and left the earth full and soaked with water. Many puddles had formed in the fields; the earth around the puddles was black and rich. The seeds planted beneath seem to grow before ones eyes as lightly green shoots spun to life.

She was very quiet and not sure why she had come.

You saw my husband and he is not the same man since and I really can’t figure him out. He’s stopped criticizing me and he’s dropped his constant demand for sex. So I have come to see you because I think you or him are up to something.

Like what?

Some plan! Whatever! I know my husband and since we’ve been married he has always demanded sex from me at the most inopportune times.

Yes he told me about that!

Well I wondered why he did that! He never really talks to me about anything. He just goes off and sulks. He behaves like another kid, for shits sake.

Yes he is aware of that as well. He told me that he sulks a lot when he doesn’t get his way.

He sure does! And I’m sick and tired of it. It’s another demand, a pressure, and between the kids, the house, and looking after some of my own needs I don’t need another person whining at me.

Yes he seems to know that!

Well that’s what he does. It is so unattractive that he’s so dependent on me. What’s wrong with you men! All my girlfriends say the same thing about their husbands. We laugh at you guys, you know!

I’m sure you do! But are any of your girlfriends divorced?

Yes they are.

Do they laugh at their husbands, now that they’re divorced?

No, they hate them!

Maybe your husband feels that divorce isn’t an option for you and he doesn’t want that to happen.

So what you’re telling me is that he thinks I’m having an affair?
Well no, I’m not.

I sure could have. That’s easy and with the way I look, men are always flirting with me. I seem to have that type of body that men like. They’re all the same! But one man for another man would be just another set of the same problems. I’m not interested in that.

So what kind of marriage are you interested in?

One that works!

Is it working now?

Well what did my husband say?

He said a lot! But none of which I can really discuss with you!

And why not??

I care about your marriage and I am willing to fight for your relationship for your marriage even when sometimes people don’t.

So you’re colluding with my husband?

No. Maybe I’m colluding with your marriage.

What the hell does that mean?

If you came to see me about your marriage to your husband and then he came to see me, would you want me telling you what you said in confidence to me?

Yes, why not? You’re supposed to tell us!

Well I don’t think doing that would help your marriage. Me telling you that your husband came to me and took responsibility for his behavior I feel is not breaking his trust. I think your husband won’t be upset about that he knows he’s made mistakes he doesn’t want to lose you. And I really think he is worried about that.

I know that in last two weeks I’ve been living with a different man and it’s really pissing me off.

So things are worse now?

Yes!

Well why is that?

Now I feel so guilty for the way I’ve been treating him.

Well so that means you’re starting to do a little self-evaluation. Is that so bad?

Well I guess not but I did fool around on him. But I ended it yesterday.

Why yesterday?

Well I knew I was coming to see you and my husband has been treating me so different. The affair lost all its appeal I think! I don’t know. I guess I see him trying so hard … I don’t know guilt maybe.

Can I ask you a question? It may help you understand it if you answered it.

Yes sure!

When you noticed your husbands change, when did that start?

About four weeks ago, I think.

What happened?

I just gave up fighting him and just gave him sex. Let him do his thing and get off and be done with it.

How did you feel about that?

I felt depressed, lonely, sad, and guilty.

Did he have any response to this?

Yes he stopped having sex with me and asked me what was wrong.

Do you think he knew something was up?

Why do you say that?

Well, what did you do in the past with his demands?

Just refused him and made him wait till I was ready!

What would he do?

Whine and act like a child. Give me the silent treatment. Same old bullshit men do!

But he didn’t, did he? He saw you change and he didn’t like it!

I guess not!

Is it possible that he figured something out?

Like what?

That he finally heard you and he doesn’t want to lose you.

Yes but why now?

Because you did something differently that you have never done before.

Which is?

You gave in to him! You had an affair, you depressed! But more important, he surprised you. Didn’t he?

Yeah he did, I thought he would end the marriage as much as I thought he wanted to.

What made you think that?

Well I thought he was as miserable as I am. I turn him down a lot; I criticized him all the time. But since your session with him he’s talking to me more and I know he listened to you because he explained to me that when I criticize him like I do I sent him the message I don’t love him and therefore he tries to do what most men do – have sex to reconnect. He said it really hurts him when I criticize him and if I have sex with him there is still hope.

Do you think he’s right?

You mean do I think you’re right?

No! He’s the one that gave you that information; I’m not your husband. How I think or not doesn’t impact your marriage.

How do I know this is genuine?

You don’t, you have to find out. Your marriage can be saved if you are willing to start caring less about what he or you want and more about what is best for your marriage, your relationship.

Yes I guess our relationship is real … too right.

Yes – a living, breathing thing depends on how you treat each other.

I think we need your help!

Sure that’s what I do – deal with people who want out of their self-inflicted misery.

So you think this is self-inflicted.

Yes. All throughout history human beings refuse to evolve psychologically. We are still in conflict and refuse any other way of living. The world is becoming a more dangerous place.

That seems so sad!

Don’t you feel the sorrow of your life?

Yes I do! Thank you. I must come again.

Sure!

Coachbri


Marriage: A Deep Resentment

April 26, 2011

We were loading up the truck with great speed and efficiency. In the distance we could see the coming rain as it speckled the sky in tiny dark spots that were to reach the earth. You could see the clear line of wind and rain as it hadn’t reached us yet but when it did we would be soaked to the bone. We got the truck and trailer loaded and headed to the dump and the change in wind prevented the rain from reaching us full force. As we entered the dump, the ground was thick with dark black mud. The truck and trailer slid their way up the low-grade hill until it reached the top and we emptied it quicker than we filled it. The man at the dump came out to greet us. He slowly looked over the things we were dumping as if he was looking for buried treasure. His eyes lit up and you could easily see that what we were hauling in was of some use to him. He patiently helped us unload the truck and trailer and took the things he wanted to a different area close to his shed. He had the hands of the working man – strong, dirty, cut, but full of knowledge and experience. He was a man that knew how to use his hands and they were his livelihood. When we were empty he returned from his shed and gave us a bill. We paid it and left.

The dump is a very interesting place: people bring the things to it that they no longer want or think have value and discard them. The old man at the dump saw this junk and it was clear he had no hesitation in investigating what was brought into the dump and directed each person carefully where to dispose of it. It made me think of “one man’s garbage is another man’s treasure” and I sat with the psychological implications of that statement for quite some time. It was almost 4:00 p.m. and after I had showered, I sat in the study waiting for my next appointment.

There was a strong knock at the door. I got up and answered it and invited the person in. I noticed by his walk and entrance his movements were very quick and stiff. He seemed to have a lot on his mind and had come to tell the story and wanted definite answers.

Hello sir. My name is Brian.

My name is Jon. I received your name from the pastor of my church and he told me that I may benefit from speaking with you. I live in London and on the drive up for an hour I’d been running thoughts through my mind, trying to decide what to talk to you about. Also I noticed the closer I got to your house the less interested I seemed in talking.

Okay sir that’s fair! Where would you like to begin?

I guess the problem is my wife. I just don’t understand her!

Sorry sir, I’m not trying to be rude, but why don’t you try spending time understanding yourself? That seems like a better investment of your time and money!

Well I know ultimately I’m here about my, my …?

Your unhappiness sir!

Yeah maybe that’s it. I just don’t get women!

Sir, what do you mean by “just don’t get”?

I don’t understand them. I don’t seem to be able to get along with them. Well, I never have!

Do you mean being able to get along with them or her in particular?

Yes, my wife you mean?

Okay, your wife. What would that look like?

We wouldn’t fight so much, we’d have a great sex life, we would be able to be together and enjoy each other’s company, she wouldn’t criticize me so much, I wouldn’t always be insecure with her, she would listen to me, she’d just do what I say.

Okay. So in other words she would love you the way you want to be loved!

Yes that about sums it up.

Sir, isn’t she saying the same thing about you, that if you loved her, you would love her the way she wants you to be loved.

Yeah I guess that sounds right.

Sir…

Can you please call me Jon?

Okay Jon. Throughout the dawn of time men have lived in conflict with woman.

Well I’m not convinced of that!

I’m not trying to convince you of anything. You can see it in your own life with your wife!

See what?

See the fact of the conflict!

And the conflict is?

Between you and her. Your ego bumping up against her ego!

Well I think that’s in everything. It is not just between men and women.

I agree with you Jon but you are here about a relationship with your wife.

Yes I am but your comment really covers all human relationship, doesn’t it?

I’m not sure but just for now let’s keep it as the conflict between you and your wife and let’s gain an understanding of that. I believe we can do that sir if you want. As men are we willing to take a journey together and take a hard look at ourselves so that we can look and see how deeply we are conditioned and how very little questioning of that conditioning goes on? And because we don’t question and examine our thinking but are conditioned, we have lost touch with our maleness therefore we are in conflict with woman.

Well there is no doubt that I’m in conflict with my wife. Most of the time I don’t like her and all the things she stands for.

Yes. Or you have a deep resentment for your wife!

Yes I guess I do.

How do you know that this resentment is an absolute indisputable fact?

While now that you’re discussing it I do feel I have a strong resentment of my wife. As a matter of fact I can’t seem to get close to her and get her approval.

Jon, your resentment is deeper than approval. You hate the fact that you need her far more than she needs you. Women are now saying I want a man in my bed but I don’t want them in my home. We’re coming to that more and more.

I don’t get what you’re saying! I need her more than she needs me? I don’t think so!

Jon, what do you want from your wife?

I want her to meet my needs so that I can be happy!

Which means what? You see her as your source of happiness and that source of happiness is outside of you in her.

Yes I would agree she is a source of my happiness.

Now do you really think you’re the source of happiness in her life?

Not like she is for me!

That’s my point. Men, since the dawn of time have sought happiness from sources outside of themselves. Not finding it in woman, we resent them, their power.

This is getting very complicated. I’m pretty easy-going guy. Just fuck me the way I want it, yeah, the way I want it and she can pretty much get everything from me she wants and needs.

Yes Jon you have just put it perfectly: your conditioning of woman is they are there for your pleasure, and the more pleasure she gives you the more she covers up your inadequacy.

I didn’t say that!

Let’s be real Jon. Don’t you want your wife for sex?

Well it’s a bigger part of the relationship then it is for her!

Which means what? You want it more often than she does and when you get it the way you want it you perceive your relationship to be what?

Fantastic I guess.

Okay, so when are you in conflict with your wife?

What? I don’t get it!

So you’re dependent on her to give you pleasure. When she doesn’t give that to you, what do you do?

I don’t know. Stay away I guess. Keep out of her way.

More than that Jon. Don’t you try to bully her, get moody, manipulate her, pout, see strippers, pornography, hang out with the boys etc?

Yeah I guess you’re right, if I’m being honest.

Why wouldn’t you want to be anything but honest?

The conversation were having right now is very different. I’m not used to talking to people like this!

Yes I know it’s very hard for men to be honest. Most men will debate theoretical physics, politics, economics, but very few men will really discuss the matters of the heart. Sex for most men meets their sense of loving and belonging, a deep need that exists in most human beings. Men really believe and have been conditioned to think that sex satisfies that need. But all that does is inflame the appetite for the behavior of sex. Now I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with having sex – it has its place. But unless we face our deep resentment of woman, we can’t go beyond.

I don’t understand this deep resentment of women! I don’t think that’s in my life!

So tell me what happens when you get together with a group of male friends, especially when there’s drinking.

Well, we joke around a lot!

No you don’t joke around a lot. What happens is you attack each other jokingly, you dig at each other, criticize each other all done in fun, until one guy really gets ganged up on, made a fool of, and all the guys laugh when he gets pissed off. Everybody hates to be that guy that gets picked on but the fact is that’s how most males relate with each other, to different degrees.

Okay I see what you’re saying. That’s true but why?

Because we are all so frustrated!

Frustrated about what?

Frustrated with the fact that we need women far more than they need us. We try to connect through the intellect which doesn’t work. So we spend our time humiliating them in all kinds of ways because of our own inadequacy. Our own frustration is from not knowing how to find happiness from a source inside ourselves. So when we can’t we addict to all kinds of things. Addiction is always the sign of dependency caused by inadequacy within ourselves. That’s the pain, and woman was born with purpose, a vessel of creation that doesn’t have a clue how to nurture a man. Therefore we have conflict and all the anger and brutality that go with it.

This is really rattling me! I just don’t know what to say. I see some truth in what you’re saying but the problem seems so overwhelming. I can’t tell my wife what I really think of her. I know in my heart what I really want to do is humiliate her. I want to hurt her as bad as she hurts me. I am so sick of her independence and her strength and… and!

The fact she doesn’t need you!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Jon I know this is difficult but when are you happiest with your wife?

When I’m not so dependent on her and my life is filled with other things. I just don’t know if I can remain married. A part of me knows I love her yet by what we’ve discussed that seems to be a contradiction.

Yes you’re right it is the very structure of thinking, which is at the root of conflict, is a contradiction. The point of all this Jon is to face the fact of your conditioning without condemning or justify it. If you can perceive all the disorder in your relationship with your wife, then something new takes place. And that newness has nothing whatsoever to do with thought or the thinking process. Thinking is where we hide, where we lie, where we resent. Face it Jon and see it as it is.

I know this is just the beginning for me and I know why my pastor sent me to you. This conversation is very profound to me, so thanks. I know I would like to come back and see you but I need little time to digest all this.

I understand, come back whenever.

Coach Bri


To Be Vulnerable

April 13, 2011

The morning sun was bright and there was the promise of the clear blue sky. In the large hall people were gathering before the talk and I had no idea what to talk about. My brain was nervous, nothing was coming at all. I felt like a mute giving a speech.  Thought would jump in at times and be very self-critical. (Why are you talking? You’re an idiot. You can’t even read or write. Who the hell is going to listen to you?) I gave my full attention to this and it melted away.

People that morning seemed to be fed up with winter and the promise of the heat that day brought its own excitement. Nervousness was everywhere within and without. Self was in full protection mode. (Why do you talk? You are just like any man, you’re not special, you have no gifts! I talk because I am like every man – we all have the same problems one way or another, that is why I talk! You must make yourself vulnerable, and demand that they be too! As long as self is here vulnerability is not.) Thought went on like this for some time, and I gave all of my attention to each and every thought. After the introductions I was called to enter the large room filled with people, as thought snapped at my heels.  I could hear the putdowns of my father slowly dying as I walked across the stage and sat down on a small wooden chair. Those voices of ghosts now dead, coming back to haunt me, dissipated as I sat and looked over the audience. I still had no idea of what to say. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and waited for the rhythm of my own silence.

To be vulnerable to the one that is most critical to us is very difficult to do. That is why, if we want to be in relationship with someone, it is best never to criticize, no matter what. To tell the truth to someone that would harm the relationship is a contradiction.  For the truth told without love is a lie. Marriage is so unnatural when people marry out of loneliness or the need for procreation. For what good is a marriage if it is full of lies or deception or bullying each other to fulfill needs? Most people today use marriage as a means for economic existence. They have forgotten the most important element of marriage: To keep learning how to end the conflict between the feminine and the masculine.  To be as one, the part of man that is the guide, protector of his own soul and keeper of his wife’s heart and trust. And the women: the vessel of creation, the nurturer that can take the brokenness of a man and help him to find meaning. This delicate balance of learning is mostly lost and therefore we raise children caught in vines of the lies of our own making.  As our generation blames the one before, they impart the same blame on us and they are right.   Life then becomes about hiding through becoming something.

We are tangled up in all the lies of humanity and the only thing that has changed is technology, which has driven us to distraction of pleasure, for convenience or the easy life. That is what we are all looking for, is it not? We can’t grow closer and invite relationship when the people we want to connect to see us as their greatest critic.  Relationship, love, and compassion demand vulnerability. To unravel the lies we have bought into and to change our psychology has and is the greatest challenge humankind will and always face.

Coachbri


The Dance of Anger

March 18, 2011

The breeze was warm and had the promise of another shower. The grass was very wet and the roadside had many puddles but the road itself had all its moisture taken by the warm breeze. Soon there was another shower that only lasted a few minutes and again the wind would work its magic and pick up the moisture and re-dump it somewhere downwind. This cycle seemed to be endless: the exchange of energy between the air and water.

Anger too seems to have the same cycle.  There is first the hurt of an image put together by thought and the emotional content of those thoughts and the release of energy, outwardly.  That eventually dissipates only to give rise to a new image and expectation and the cycle begins again when that images is again offended. The behavior of anger always creates a distance from the one who releases their anger and the one they let it out on. Eventually the distance between the two becomes so wide all relationship is destroyed and what was once the spark of love gives way to the spark of avoidance and contempt.

Only in the holding of anger can it be observed without restraint and end. It needs to be seen in the same way as one watches or tracks the movement of a deadly animal as you come across its path. The ending of anger is the freedom from the known, which is the cause of all psychological problems. Anger is anger and nothing can be done about or with it. To see its movement is the factor that allows it to run its course and die. Any interference by thought condemning or justifying it is to resist the lesson it offers.  Human beings have used anger forever as a means to an end, rendering them helpless in their Neanderthal conditioning.   To perceive anger fully is to save the energy of anger, which is the process of its own transformation.

Coach Bri


A Question

February 23, 2010

I was thinking about what you have said at Friday night group, and I had a flash of what I think may be that order you were talking about. What I saw was that I have been raised in a so-called religious home. But when I think of all the external control applied by my parents I feel that the level of criticism that I received and now practice on my family is what you say is my disorder. I think I see this. My son acts out of his disorder and I add to it. Do I have this correct?

What is the disorder you practice on your son?

Well, it is the same as I practiced on my husband! That anger and frustration!

Yes but are you not the anger and frustration, which is the fact of your disorder?

Yes, so what do I do now? Practice internal psychology, right?

So what do you do in your anger and frustration?

As you have said a thousand times, I choose a behavior that kills the relationships so I am caught in the thinking mode and I have to act it out on someone.

Can you see that choosing a predisposed position is one action that again reinforces the thinking process and external psychology?

I don’t follow that! Do you mean that practicing an internal psychology is also part of disorder?

No, I don’t think you can willfully practice an internal psychology.

I don’t understand. Can you make it clearer?

One must come to terms with something!

And that something is?

Your brain, my brain, is caught in a web called consciousness. It is made up of a self and every person has a self. Self is a product of memory, which is caught in time because self is a product of experience.

Ok I get that! Self is a group of experiences that I gather in the brain as memory. But I have a sense that I have aged and am wiser now than I was 10 years ago!

Yes but you’re not!

How do you know that?

You just have more knowledge about your self but you are still caught in your animal instincts and sustain them by using thought.

Okay I am more sustaining now than I was when I was 20.

Yes, true, but that is proof your not wiser!

I don’t get this then!!

Yes I know! Look at it! Or don’t look – the choice is yours.

No I want to look at it! It is just you piss me off so much.

Yes I know!

See! So you’re doing it on purpose!

No! You are angry now with me, right? Or your son or husband right?

Yes! Yes!

Who is it that is angry?

My self at your self!

So is your self different from your anger?

Yes, there is anger then there is me, my self acting out the anger!

What if you is anger!

Me is anger? I don’t get that.

You see, external control psychology has built the self out of memory. Self is a bundle of memory stored in the brain called self.

Okay, I see that and I guess it sounds right!

This sense of self is formed from the outside!
If I asked you, who you are, you would say what?

That I am me!

And who is you!

I would say I am a Canadian, a mother, a wife!

Yes and where did you learn that?

I guess from my parents!

Yes, but partly from your environment or society.

Okay!

And that is external from you!

What do you mean by that, “external from you”?

Well, you were conditioned to think you are Canadian.

I am a Canadian!

Yes, when you accept who you are governed by the external thinking. If you were born in the same place 500 years ago, would you still be a Canadian?

Of course I would!

Canada didn’t exist as Canada 500 years ago. The land did but not the conditioning called Canada.

Yes, I see what you’re driving at! How about my beliefs?

They are all put in you then you modify them to suit your experience.

Yes, but I have a belief about the universal energy and reincarnation! That is real!

Real yes, but untrue.

What do you mean? It is true to me. I live by it!

Yes each person lives according to his own belief! But why? Why is believing so important to us? To you or any human being?

Because it gives life meaning?

Okay, how? It only gives you a sense of false security!

Look I believe what I believe and I have the … damn…

Right to! And that right gives one a sense of security, no?

And what is wrong with feeling secure?

Well isn’t the demand for security a sign of insecurity!

Okay I think I see that?

Think you see that? Isn’t every problem you have with your husband and son you looking for security and if they only did what you said, lived how you want them to, there would be no conflict?

Yes okay, I see it! I see it! I get it!

What is it you get?

When I have problems with them we are in conflict and I see I’m the source of that conflict. I get that when my belief is there for them my self is there. The feeling of anger and frustration is the self, which is me in action.

Yes, now what can you do about that?

I don’t know? My life is this!

Yes it is! Now can I see that trying to change in any way is to avoid my inner ugliness and the fact that me, anger, frustration is all one clump of self or ego. So if I try to do anything to self, to change, is the wrong approach. This is self judging self, trying to get out of self, which strengthens self!

You know I think I do that! Strange as it is! That is my life.

Okay, so see the fact and remain with the fact that the self-centered movement is one movement. Fear is self, hurt is self etc. You can’t do anything about it. If you do you are creating more conflict. If you are willing to end all conflict, self and its beliefs no longer fuel external psychology and one comes upon a deep movement not the product of the self. That movement brings order and that order is a new beginning.

I have lots to think about! Thank you!!!

You’re welcome.

Coach bri