The absence of love is fear!

June 12, 2015

As a high-performance coach I have the opportunity of working with many professional athletes. One of the most difficult challenges they face, is how the very things they love gets poison. There’s never an adequate definition for what love is. But what we can find out is what love isn’t! When I am speaking of this love I am not speaking about the love of external things. In order for there to be love there must be a two-way relationship if there is not if it’s one-way it’s pleasure. Love is not pleasure! The essence of love is relationship! False Love is basically a one way relationship. You can say I love my house, My car, cookies, ice cream. Whatever you do, love that can’t have a relationship with you will be of the ego self and eventually create conflict and suffering. What gives us the most pleasure will give us the most pain and a one way relationship is based on pleasure. Think of any psychological suffering you have in your life, and you will see what  gives you a tremendous amount of pleasure always leads to pain. The pleasure you get from it is something you become attached to and then in that attachment you FEAR losing it which isn’t love. The psychology of external control is a psychology based in fear because trying to control other people psychologically creates fear. When you try to control another person you are doing so because in your life you feel out of control. Being out of control you focus on things and people outside of you and practice criticism, humiliation, blame, guilt, and many other habits to control people. Human beings throughout history cannot come to terms with the flaw in external psychology. We all know this basic truth but refuse to see that when we are  unhappy it is because of a relationship in our life is in trouble. We make it about everything else because the fear of  seeing that truth create the  psychology that is preoccupied with evaluating others. When you look at how hard it is to change your self and you face that you come to terms with another truth the impossibility of changing others. This loss of power in their life,  often creates the cycle of doubt therefore  having little or no confidence to meet life  challenge. The next thing sphere does to justify its righteousness is to create the sorrow of self-pity. Most people lives in the sorrow of their own self-pity because they do not want to be responsible for changing their own behavior. All throughout history you can easily see that our greatest challenge facing human beings is our inability to get along with each other. Our daily relationships are filled with conflict insecurity and anxiety creating fear because feeling inadequate we choose the psychology of external control. When I’m working with many professional athletes it is amazing how the very tools that got them to the highest level they give up, because they can’t please the coach. Giving up on themselves entering the cycle of doubt they get caught up in their own self-pity and this kills the love of the game. Being  disconnect they often practice external psychology and push people away they need which leads to a character meltdown. This is often when so many athletes sleep around on their partners turned to drugs, alcohol  gambling and then I’m called in to help them put their lives back together. The greatest problems are not the drugs alcohol gambling or affairs the greatest problem is there disconnectedness from the people in their lives they love want and need. This state disconnectedness create the cycle of anger or depression which leads to the state of self-pity which is the source of all fear. In this state of self-pity we have tried hard to change other people and it doesn’t work and then we’re caught in greater self-pity. When you have love and you’re doing anything out of that love you’re full of passion creativity, and enjoy what you’re doing because one gets some sense of meaning and purpose which fuels our confidence. I Skype athlete from around the world professional soccer, cricket , Australian footy, NHL hockey players. The common denominator in all of these people is when they’re in the state of fear they Not only do harm to themselves, and teammates, they also poison the relationships with the people in their life they love and need the most in their personal lives. The source of all happiness which is our mental health, is the ability to bring all our total energy into the moment. In this moment we are connect to what we are doing is our way that we are able to respond adequately to the challenge before us. When you’re in a state of disconnectedness you are continually reacting to information taking it personally and acting out of one’s self pity which creates conflict and strength fear. When there is this connection there’s a deep sense of love and whatever action you do out of this love is a innovative movement. That movement bring it own order in the mind because it is  efficiency and effective action without regret. Love strengthen relationship which is the ending of fear between any single or group of people. In order to end fear, one must understand it.In that very understanding is the movement that ends fear! Helping athletes and organizations integrate this in their life opens the athlete, the team, the organization ,to unlimited possibilities.





Emotional Trauma is the Source of Self

July 19, 2011

It was a fresh night – a welcome relief from the intense humidity of the last few days. The birds’ calls seemed to be clear and sharp. From the noise they were making and how active they were, they to seemed to enjoy the cooler evening. The sunlight on the large ash tree added to the warm inviting color of the moss that was so gentle on one’s eyes. A teenage boy across the field wearing a muscle shirt was talking very loudly to two girls who were flirting back at him to win his affections. Their voices, young and carefree, seemed to carry in the breezes of this cool night. They seemed to talk endlessly with energy and excitement without stopping. An older couple, frustrated with them, asked if they could be a little more quiet. They just laughed and slowly made their way farther down the field and began again. The older couple let everyone around them know they were annoyed by these youth. Looking for agreement they didn’t get, they too moved on, away from the mirror which was unnoticed by their resistance of their ego self.  Humankind has not changed over time except in the area of technology. As a species we are barely holding our own.


“Why is self so strong in us?” was the question he asked.

What do you think sir?

I have no idea. I have tried very hard to do as you ask and see that I am the thing in my life that must change. But when I am in a crisis I always want the other person to change, even though, as you say, I am the one in pain.

Sir, what is the self and can it really change?

My self seems to always be on the move. I just get one thing and then I seem to be something else.

Yes sir. The self is always moving in contradiction.

But why does it do that?

Because self is a product of thought and thought is a movement, or energy, moving through a material process called matter.

That doesn’t tell me why it is always moving in contradiction! That doesn’t make sense to me!

Sir, thought has made yourself, myself and everyone else’s self. If you take on the thought of a Christ you call yourself a Christian. If you identify with Canada which thought has put together, you call yourself a Canadian, right sir?

Okay, yes!  But why is that a contradiction?

Because you or anyone else is not born a Christian or a Muslim or a Canadian or Chinese. It is the human brain taking on that conditioning from the outside, it is imposed on you and you must conform to it.

I still don’t get it. Why would we take it on?

Because if we don’t you are branded or punished.  You, needing people to be loved and belong and be safe, are forced out of fear to conform. That conforming is the beginning of violence.  See it sir!  Thought creates a sense of self to cover emotional trauma.  We naturally form images to be secure and those very images created the hurt and rejection we fear. So the contradiction is self always trying to find security through the images that thought has made and at the same time those images are always the source of the hurt because it can never be totally secure.

Why is that?

All images are made by thought and therefore a product of time!

So what? Who cares if they’re a product of time? They bring some security.

Show me one image you have that is secure!

Well I have an image of you that you’re a nice person!

Yes and if I yell or criticize you, you will begin to like me less and be hurt by my behaviour towards you.

Okay I see that! Okay, my mother loves me!

Okay. Has she ever hurt you?

No, never!

So you get along with her?

Well, most of the time!

And the other times?

Well, she is a pain at times and is hard to love!

Which means what?

I don’t know!

As long as she lives up to your image of you she is okay! But because she has some other images of you that you don’t like she is on the outs, right sir?

Yeah I think you’re right, but what has this got to do with self being a contradiction?

Everything! Self is one thing one moment and then something else the next. Self is a product of time and your whole psyche is put together by thought over time.
So this means there are two movements going on in man: the movement of time and a movement that is not of time, which in this discussion we can your “beingness”.

And they’re in contradiction?

Yes sir, all the days of our lives. Self is always trying to find security in a world that it has created that is completely insecure.

So nothing in life is secure?

Have you been able to find something that is?

No, not yet.

Sir, this is the fact! To be mentally well adjusted in a world as sick as this one is no measurement of mental health. In fact, people who can’t fit into this world could teach us more than the people who are. To give your life to achieve money, power, position, material things, and large banks accounts and to identify who you are with it is a sure sign of madness. Do you see it sir?

Yes I think so!

That is why I have such great feelings for the alcoholic and the drug addict. They are living that life because of the emotional trauma of this life. They weren’t loved, their needs were not met, and they are the walking wounded. So then the drug companies step in and assault and exploit them so they can cover up their emotional pain. It’s a vicious circle sir. Do you see it?

I think I do! So you say we are living and self is our emotional trauma.

Kind of sir. First there is both then your culture imposes into you their sickness.
Then looking for connection you are forced to conform for acceptance and approval and all that. When you don’t or won’t be controlled, external psychology is applied on you and the damaging nature of external control cripples us. In our pain we drink, drug, and addict to all kinds of things to cover our emotional abuses others inflict, which causes a huge wound in us psychologically. I can become a great doctor or politician, actor, or escape to the street. It is all the same. I am caught in the web of my own confusion and that is what I must free myself from. Be on street drugs, brain drugs, or the drug of religion or politics, or whatever my life is, chasing pleasure and the avoidance of pain. That is what most people are about! So seeing all this, can I not stop escaping into meditation and psychics and contacting the dead and all those games but face my own self-centered living and stop all external control in my life? Then perhaps the emotional trauma in our life heals by something beyond self and the movement of thought. Only then can one really face life without any expectations of our vain becoming.

Thanks Coach Bri.

You’re welcome.