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The absence of love is fear!

June 12, 2015

As a high-performance coach I have the opportunity of working with many professional athletes. One of the most difficult challenges they face, is how the very things they love gets poison. There’s never an adequate definition for what love is. But what we can find out is what love isn’t! When I am speaking of this love I am not speaking about the love of external things. In order for there to be love there must be a two-way relationship if there is not if it’s one-way it’s pleasure. Love is not pleasure! The essence of love is relationship! False Love is basically a one way relationship. You can say I love my house, My car, cookies, ice cream. Whatever you do, love that can’t have a relationship with you will be of the ego self and eventually create conflict and suffering. What gives us the most pleasure will give us the most pain and a one way relationship is based on pleasure. Think of any psychological suffering you have in your life, and you will see what  gives you a tremendous amount of pleasure always leads to pain. The pleasure you get from it is something you become attached to and then in that attachment you FEAR losing it which isn’t love. The psychology of external control is a psychology based in fear because trying to control other people psychologically creates fear. When you try to control another person you are doing so because in your life you feel out of control. Being out of control you focus on things and people outside of you and practice criticism, humiliation, blame, guilt, and many other habits to control people. Human beings throughout history cannot come to terms with the flaw in external psychology. We all know this basic truth but refuse to see that when we are  unhappy it is because of a relationship in our life is in trouble. We make it about everything else because the fear of  seeing that truth create the  psychology that is preoccupied with evaluating others. When you look at how hard it is to change your self and you face that you come to terms with another truth the impossibility of changing others. This loss of power in their life,  often creates the cycle of doubt therefore  having little or no confidence to meet life  challenge. The next thing sphere does to justify its righteousness is to create the sorrow of self-pity. Most people lives in the sorrow of their own self-pity because they do not want to be responsible for changing their own behavior. All throughout history you can easily see that our greatest challenge facing human beings is our inability to get along with each other. Our daily relationships are filled with conflict insecurity and anxiety creating fear because feeling inadequate we choose the psychology of external control. When I’m working with many professional athletes it is amazing how the very tools that got them to the highest level they give up, because they can’t please the coach. Giving up on themselves entering the cycle of doubt they get caught up in their own self-pity and this kills the love of the game. Being  disconnect they often practice external psychology and push people away they need which leads to a character meltdown. This is often when so many athletes sleep around on their partners turned to drugs, alcohol  gambling and then I’m called in to help them put their lives back together. The greatest problems are not the drugs alcohol gambling or affairs the greatest problem is there disconnectedness from the people in their lives they love want and need. This state disconnectedness create the cycle of anger or depression which leads to the state of self-pity which is the source of all fear. In this state of self-pity we have tried hard to change other people and it doesn’t work and then we’re caught in greater self-pity. When you have love and you’re doing anything out of that love you’re full of passion creativity, and enjoy what you’re doing because one gets some sense of meaning and purpose which fuels our confidence. I Skype athlete from around the world professional soccer, cricket , Australian footy, NHL hockey players. The common denominator in all of these people is when they’re in the state of fear they Not only do harm to themselves, and teammates, they also poison the relationships with the people in their life they love and need the most in their personal lives. The source of all happiness which is our mental health, is the ability to bring all our total energy into the moment. In this moment we are connect to what we are doing is our way that we are able to respond adequately to the challenge before us. When you’re in a state of disconnectedness you are continually reacting to information taking it personally and acting out of one’s self pity which creates conflict and strength fear. When there is this connection there’s a deep sense of love and whatever action you do out of this love is a innovative movement. That movement bring it own order in the mind because it is  efficiency and effective action without regret. Love strengthen relationship which is the ending of fear between any single or group of people. In order to end fear, one must understand it.In that very understanding is the movement that ends fear! Helping athletes and organizations integrate this in their life opens the athlete, the team, the organization ,to unlimited possibilities.

 

Coachbri

 

 


The Source of All Anxiety

April 14, 2010

It was a lovely spring morning. The earth was dark and damp and gave off such a rich, earthy smell. The sky looked so turquoise blue over the lake and on the horizon the colors were so soft with no promise of rain.

We walked for some time in the solitude of the morning. He then began to cry. His tears were large and he felt somewhat embarrassed and foolish.

Let them come sir! It is so cleansing to be vulnerable. You are among friends now.

I sorry for all this, I never thought this would happen, but it is there now and I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness.

Yes sir. Let it be there! Do watch it sir and see all of it without any interruption.

But it feels so… so…

Ugly, sir?

Well, I wasn’t going to say that but it does make sense, it is kinda ugly.

Sir, most of us live such a self-centered, ugly existence.  We want to be so much more than what we are. We need to have letters after our name so we seek and broadcast all our accreditation to buff us up so we don’t feels so empty.

That is how I feel – so insignificant.

Yes sir we are! We live such boring lives, and try to establish some profound, deeper meaning to our existence, when really we are petty, shallow-minded and a slave to desire.

I can see that although I have never put words to it before.

Or we are always wanting to be entertained, taken out of our mediocre, boring lives.

My life is boring. Don’t get me wrong – I have done a lot with my life and I am thankful but it all seems to be so heartless. Nothing brings me real satisfaction. I seem to spend my life just active to be active. I feel that I am really running, but don’t know what from.

Yourself sir!

How do you mean? I have a good job, wife, kids, I meet my responsibilities but it is not enough. I want something more but don’t know what!

Yes sir, thought in its very nature creates an ego or self and that self is our existence. As it moves it is always comparing, judging, and evaluating and therefore creates a division between you and your life. That division is the movement of pleasure and pain which is what self is. It is nothing more than a movement of pleasure and pain. We or self are that movement and that movement also keeps itself going and creates a sense of void. That deep void within, being the product of self, is where most human beings are caught. This is the prison humanity is caught in. This is his burden, the source of all his confusion. He is always trying to cover it up and in doing so creates conflict. He rejects any other possible way to live. He is in conflict with himself, because thought divides him against himself. It breaks us up into parts of thought, feeling and action. It is the source of all human anxiety sir. To act out of thinking in the world of technology is the only place for thought to act. Any other place, thought is a burden.  In the matter if relationship and of the heart thought has little place, only to communicate. That is all!

It is true that I am lost! That is the feeling of have.

Yes sir, most of humanity is lost. Lost in the vain pursuits of religion, making money, acquiring something to show others and our self we are someone. And for all this we will go to war! Always creating deeper anxiety for all sir!

This has been so helpful. I thought all these things were locked inside and no words to get them out. Why do I feel so much better, when I think I just looked at how ugly I am.

Sir, the truth acts, it is the thing that sets us free. Right sir?

I must come to your discussion in Toronto. Thank you.

No problem sir!

Coach Bri


Locked Within Her Pain

September 23, 2008

She was very attractive woman. She had very slender fingers, and she seemed to walk with such grace and dignity. As she approached the chair she had an engaging smile yet a deep sense of sadness seemed to be hidden in her eyes. I held out my hand and introduced myself and she took it and she shook it quite vigorously. She opened her spring jacket that was very well made, sat down and began to talk:

My husband told me I should come and talk to you. I have come from quite a distance and that in itself was an accomplishment. I took the day off work and even though I live about two hours away, I had to summon up the courage in order to come. I’m finding lately I have difficulty doing just basic things. And these attacks I get leave me feeling paranoid and fearful of all people and situations. I have seen the family doctor and he prescribed a medication for me, but after what you said on the radio about medication dampening your feelings, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

What hit you like a ton of bricks Madame?

Well that’s what my life feels like – no pure joy, no pure sorrow and nothing seems genuine since I’ve been on this medication and I also feel rather confused.

Okay, got it. So how can I help you?

Well that’s just it – I don’t really know. For the last two years I’ve noticed a change in myself and that change has become so disturbing that I don’t even want to leave my house. Sometimes I get this anxious feeling in the simple things that I used to do and enjoy. I can’t do it anymore. I try to hide it from my kids and I’ve been doing quite a good job. But we do have a family business and my husband knows me well and gives me a lot of space when I get into one of these paranoid states.

Well what happened two years ago that was significant for you?

Well nothing. I can’t think of anything. I’ve been racking my brains about this but I can’t think of anything that’s different that’s happened to me.

How’s your relationship with your husband?

My husband and I are fine. We have a great relationship together, were still attracted to each other, we have a good business and he’s been great about this!

Well do you have children?

Yes I have two girls and a boy!

And how are you getting along with them?

We get along great. I have a daughter at University and I have a son at community college. The kids are doing well. I have nothing to be upset about. My life is absolutely perfect.

Well if your life is perfect, does a perfect life include paranoia?

I know but why is it that I get paranoid over doing the simplest things? I’m going into the video store and I’m trembling going into there – it took me about twenty minutes just to drop off the movies.

Okay so how about your parents. Are your parents alive?

Yes both of them are. I have a few problems with my father but he’s just a bossy guy and always tries to tell me what to do.

What’s your relationship like with your mother?

Mom and me are mom and me! That’s just the way we are with each other – we get along. Or I should say we tolerate each other?

So you don’t get along well with your mother?

I don’t think my mother is the source of this trouble. She’s always been the way she is and I’ve just learned to live with that.

Live with what?

It’s no big deal really. It’s really not. She is just … you know … let’s say a little cool!

Cool or cold or callous?

I don’t think we have to talk about her. We just exist together and we get along fine. There are certain things I don’t discuss with her.

You mean things with your mother in the past two years?

No not really, nothing I can remember!

How do your children get along with their grandmother?

Well you know kids – they’re smarter than me – they just take her as she is and don’t pay much attention to her.

What is it that they don’t pay much attention to?

Just the way she is!

And that way is what?

The callousness as you put it – she’s a little cold.

Does your daughter get along with her?

My son gets along with her really well. He knows how to play her!

How about your daughter?

They were pretty good friends until my daughter was about 17!

Okay, well, what happened at 17 and how many years ago was that?

I’ll have to think about that one. I’m not really sure.

You’re not really sure of what?

Well it was about 18 months ago and my daughter was having some trouble.

And what kind of trouble was she having?

Well my mother came to me with my daughter because my daughter thought she was pregnant!

Well what did you think of your daughter going to her grandmother?

I was a bit shocked, pretty overwhelmed, pretty hurt I guess.

What does that tell you?

She seemed to adjust her seat and sit back in the chair and she took a nice deep breath and slowly turned her head and looked out the window. Tears began to roll down her cheeks. Each drop seemed to slowly move down her face and crash on her lap. Her right hand began to quiver and she began to take deep breaths. The words seemed to choke her and she tried several times to clear her throat and finally she barked out:

I just can’t forgive her!!

And who is it that you can’t forgive?

My mother. When I was 17 I got pregnant and had an abortion. When I told my mother she didn’t say anything to me. She simply closed her eyes, made a fist, stomped her foot on the floor and walked up the stairs to talk to my father. She then yelled something to my father and told him, “I’m taking your slutty daughter to the hospital for an abortion”. She came downstairs, went into the closet, grabbed my jacket threw it at me and said, “Get in the car”. As we were driving, the only thing she said to me was, “You have disgraced me. What will the neighbors think? And here I am, having to drive all the way to Ottawa so that no one finds out! Thanks a lot! My mother must be rolling over in her grave.” That’s all she said to me the whole drive.

Wow, that’s terrible. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine doing that to my child or to any child!

I told you she was callous! A real cold bitch!

Can we talk a little further about this?

Yes. I haven’t talked about it in years.

These feelings of paranoia and anxiety, have they ever happened to you before in your relationship with your husband or when you were younger, when your children were younger?

Well as a matter of fact they did – before the birth of my daughter!

Well what were you thinking when you were pregnant?

Well the same thing I’ve been thinking for the past two years I think! I keep wondering about the baby that I aborted. I keep wondering what my life would’ve been like if I kept that baby!

Tears flowed down her face like lines of silver. She cried for some time and we both sat in silence. Out of the window of the sun porch the sun was setting behind trees. The golden light of the setting sun filled the room with a breathtaking glitter. She reached into her purse and took out some Kleenex and soon began to dry her eyes. She then spoke with a quiet voice:

You know, I think this is all related.

I think you’re right!

I’d like to come back and see you again, I didn’t expect this.

That’s what I do here I deal with the unexpected. I’m glad you came.

Thanks, so am I.

Coach bri