The Heart and Soul of Affairs

July 5, 2012

Affairs happen. They are a part of human behaviour. As painful as they are, they can be a catalyst for a better relationship and a deeper marriage. If we are at all serious about our lives, understanding is a prerequisite for a loving, intimate, and sexually charged marriage.

Most people have affairs because there is too much external psychology going on in the relationship. External psychology is about trying to control the other person by behaving in such a way using criticism, humiliation, guilt, bribes, fear, punishment, or any other of the controlling behaviors to get them under your control. When a person practices these behavior habits they are shooting themselves in the foot and eventually will kill any intimacy within the relationship. Intimacy is the key ingredient in any relationship. It is about being sensitive and respondent too another in a way that seeks understanding and quality for both people or things in relationship to each other.

Women tend to seek intimacy through the process of communication of feelings and emotions from and in a relationship. They then feel they are loved and belong with that person. Men tend to seek sex as a means to having that sense of loving and belonging. This difference between men and women leads to them choosing to be critical with each other, which in turn kills all passion between the couple. The problem then is compounded because a man’s need for sex is part of his survival need and he finds it easy to have sex without any intimacy at all. Men sexually are visual creatures, and that is why when a man has an orgasm, his eyes are open. He is hardwired for this and then within moment after his orgasm he slowly opens his eyes and heart to the being women is. With his eyes closed it is an internal experience – the release for him is seen as pressure removed and he can then relax and get more emotional. Women, on the other hand, orgasm with their eyes closed – a very internal process. Then as it descends her emotions release and come to the surface. Here the man and the women are two very different creatures yet make up one whole.

It is that wholeness through sex or other challenges that real intimacy between people, men and women, breaks out. Notice please that I used the word “breaks out” because you can’t fake intimacy!  Without it one feels a great sense of disconnection between you and your partner and then this leads to the practice of external psychology and the habits that cripple the relationship.

 

Coach bri


Coachbri Giving Workshop In Kelowna On Relationships

January 28, 2012
Creating the Relationships you need and want
humanpotentialplus+
Brian O’Reilly DSW,CT/RT
HPP Level 1 Workshop
3 Full Days
Date: February 17,18,19. 2012
Location: #314, 3001 Tutt St. Kelowna
Cost: $600
Includes: 3 lunches and 2 dinners
Early
Registrations!
Save $50
Online registration
Available!
Registration:
Limited registration, Save $50 off cost with full payments 2 weeks in advance.
Check website for further details.
You can also contact John Leinemann
Brian O’Reilly began coaching and giving seminars on human potential at the age of seventeen. For the past 30 years, he
has coached amateur, professional and Olympic athletes as well as business professionals and executives. Brian and his wife
Bonnie have worked with youth and their families for the past 15 years. They operate a parent model group home and
treatment foster program for several Children’s Aid Societies. Brian’s passion and understanding of human behaviour acts as a
catalyst in organizations and individuals, helping them reach new levels of effectiveness in their personal and business lives.
Relationship Renovations
At Human Potential Plus we believe that happiness
in life comes from the balance between relationships
at home and relationships at work. The ability to
understand relationships will provide you with the
power needed to get along with the people you want
to and need to in order to improve your life. Knowing
the habits that destroy them and choosing a different
course of action can breathe new life into relation-
ships, the cornerstone to happiness.
This course brings an understanding of the problems
in relationships that keep people from getting along.
The course develops pathways to effectiveness
through the understanding of basic needs and meet-
ing the pictures of quality we have about ourselves
as partners, parents, coworkers, friends, etc. Further-
more, the course encourages the removal of old
habits related to external psychology by replacing it
with internal psychology; a process we unknowingly
practice when our lives are working for us.
Day 1
– Understand the common problems that create disconnection in
our relationships.
– Understand what we do with information and learn how to use
this information to make effective choices.
– Understand motivation and our basic needs.
– Understand the process of choice and creating the possibility of
change.
– Learn how to negotiate your relationships and choosing
happiness.
Day 2
– Learn the art of relationship coaching.
– Learn how to create intimacy in your relationships.
– Learn how to connect with people who are disconnecting from
you.
Day 3
– Learn the art of mastery coaching vs. bossing and putting what
we have learned into practice
2018  robes de soirée pas cher? spérons que nous pouvons avoir votre satisfaction au bout de votre achat.2018 Robe De Soirée

Coachbri Giving Workshop on Relationships In Kelowna

January 2, 2012
Creating the Relationships you need and want
humanpotentialplus+
Brian O’Reilly DSW,CT/RT
brianoreilly.ca
HPP Level 1 Workshop
3 Full Days
Date: February 17,18,19. 2012
Location: #314, 3001 Tutt St. Kelowna
Cost: $600
Includes: 3 lunches and 2 dinners
Early
Registrations!
Save $50
Online registration
Available!
Registration:
Limited registration, Save $50 off cost with full payments 2 weeks in advance.
Check website for further details. Call 647 401–7929 or Email: info@humanpotentialplus.com
You can also contact John Leinemann 250 808–5566.
Brian O’Reilly began coaching and giving seminars on human potential at the age of seventeen. For the past 30 years, he
has coached amateur, professional and Olympic athletes as well as business professionals and executives. Brian and his wife
Bonnie have worked with youth and their families for the past 15 years. They operate a parent model group home and
treatment foster program for several Children’s Aid Societies. Brian’s passion and understanding of human behaviour acts as a
catalyst in organizations and individuals, helping them reach new levels of effectiveness in their personal and business lives.
Relationship Renovations
At Human Potential Plus we believe that happiness
in life comes from the balance between relationships
at home and relationships at work. The ability to
understand relationships will provide you with the
power needed to get along with the people you want
to and need to in order to improve your life. Knowing
the habits that destroy them and choosing a different
course of action can breathe new life into relation-
ships, the cornerstone to happiness.
This course brings an understanding of the problems
in relationships that keep people from getting along.
The course develops pathways to effectiveness
through the understanding of basic needs and meet-
ing the pictures of quality we have about ourselves
as partners, parents, coworkers, friends, etc. Further-
more, the course encourages the removal of old
habits related to external psychology by replacing it
with internal psychology; a process we unknowingly
practice when our lives are working for us.
Day 1
– Understand the common problems that create disconnection in
our relationships.
– Understand what we do with information and learn how to use
this information to make effective choices.
– Understand motivation and our basic needs.
– Understand the process of choice and creating the possibility of
change.
– Learn how to negotiate your relationships and choosing
happiness.
Day 2
– Learn the art of relationship coaching.
– Learn how to create intimacy in your relationships.
– Learn how to connect with people who are disconnecting from
you.
Day 3
– Learn the art of mastery coaching vs. bossing and putting what
we have learned into practice

Mental Training by Rich VanHuizen

December 30, 2011

I am customizing my personal mental training program…
This is what I just wrote to start my rough copy:

20 minutes per day

Purpose:
To be fully prepared for the moment when it comes, so that when the moment comes, there is no reaction; there is only the natural response.
Mindful to always respond with awareness: to be fully in tune with the things around me.

Then I began to think of the moments that I’ve had with significant people in my life such as relationships, past and current teammates, and Brian O’Reilly.
Brian was my coach when I started to make a big transition in my life.  When I began to look at things through a different lens.
The rough copy of my mental training program above reflects this transition that began in 2004.

Brian and I have studied the brain and relationships, we’ve also done workshops and role-plays.  The most impactful thing that I’ve learned through all of our moments together is the value of being prepared.

When I am un-loving, I am not preparing.  If I am not constantly watching myself and my own behaviours (preparing), I will be mean to the people around me.  When I am mean to the people around me I am not realizing that my unpreparedness shows itself when the shit hits the fan.  When I am unloving (gossiping about, criticizing, judging) and that person calls me out on it, I look like a fool.  I look like a fool because the truth revealed itself and the truth is that the damage to the relationship is my doing.

When I live my life prepared, I am constantly watching myself.  I am constantly responding to situations.  For instance, if I see an injustice, I speak up and share my truth about it.  I am constantly doing this when I see the value of being prepared.  Then, when the shit hits the fan, the truth, once again, reveals itself.

This way of living is extremely rewarding.
I often fail to live this way because I think that living this way is draining.  To be prepared to address every drama and injustice in your life each and every moment seems like a heavy task.  It seems draining.  Yet, when you do it, when I do it, we notice how energizing it is.  How energizing and rewarding it is to constantly speak the truth!!  Yet I am lazy.  My preparedness falls away because I simply blame others for my unhappiness.
What does preparedness look like to me?  Committing each day to bring an expectation to speak the truth with love in every moment.

I’d like to share how this life training has impacted my daily life.
I am in teacher’s college.  In my Grade 6 practicum placement I decided to use the community circle as a teaching tool (a community circle is where you move the desks out of the way and make a circle with the students and my chair, I am just one of 28).  I use the circle most often when I sense that there is a shift in energy in the classroom and there is unhappiness in the group.  We get in the circle and we just talk.  I do my best to build an environment in which the kids feel safe to say whatever they want.  I do this with my demeanor and by being honest myself.  I talk about what I’ve noticed in the classroom (such as bullying), and then I share how I have been a bully to a particular person in the past week or that day and I share the story of what happened.  I share what I did wrong, why I did it, and how I wish I had handled it.  The presence of honesty is so natural and so relieving to the kids that it simply and naturally paves the way for incredibly honest conversations.  The kids open right up and share and share and share and it does incredible things to the level of trust in the classroom.

I couldn’t do this if I wasn’t prepared.  I couldn’t do this if, when students in my classroom are disruptive, I shut them down and used anger to deal with my ineffectiveness as a teacher (aren’t they being disruptive because the teacher is b-o-r-i-n-g?  When was the last time you sat through a conference or a workshop for your job that was boring and you chose to sit quietly and attentively?  We expect our kids to do that from 9:00 to 3:30 every day? I digress).  I couldn’t do this if I wasn’t aware and awake to the needs of all of my kids every day.  If I didn’t pay close attention to the mood of my students and the things they said to each other and the feelings of loneliness and pain that my students had.  I couldn’t do this if teaching was simply a means to tell the kids what they needed to hear to meet my curriculum expectations and get a paycheck.  Having these types of rewarding conversations with my students in the community circle began with having individual community circles with my students in the hallway, on the playground, while helping them with their work, while listening to why their homework isn’t done.  It began with being prepared – prepared every day to respond to situations and speak to injustices.

When I am effectively doing this what am I doing?  Choosing love over judgment in each moment.  This requires preparation.

Rich VanHuizen
Beach Volleyball
http://www.richvanhuizen.com


A Woman in Death

December 24, 2011

The unseen cord to your life is slowly detaching
You, a mother losing, a mother

Women dying with surrender is a process she knows
A secret shrine that moves life through her
She forgets the pain and lives the joy and agony of her children
The strength of mother if she is, with autonomy,
Putting her needs on hold for her children
without regret

A daughter losing a mother, a piece of her own womb
Once strong, now frail, the vitality of death releases the mother’s heart
to find its place in the daughter
The last lesson a mother passes to the daughter as life comes, moves,
departs into its own

Every great man comes through women
Every great atrocity is created by men

Woman eventually tire of man
Unless that man leaves his subjective mind
And finds in him his mother, the gift women offers
Unspoken, without intent, humanity embraced to hold peace
and well being to the needy

Coachbri


Crazy with Anger

October 31, 2011

He was 17 and no one was going to tell him how to live his life. He was clean and well dressed in the latest styles. His hair was groomed and hands were rough and banged up.

He started off the session:

I am here because my mother said I had to come and see you. But I think she is the one that needs the help.

You are probably right sir. Most parents who force their children to do anything are sowing their own seeds of misery.

I think she means well but she’s always on my case about something.

So how did you get bribed into coming and seeing me?

I didn’t. I said I would do it if she got off my ass about shit!

Okay, so now you’re here and if you like I will tell her you came and you’re off the hook. I don’t see anyone who is forced to see me unless the court orders it.

So I can go?

Yes.

And you will tell her I came and spoke with you.

Well you did and you are so I’m not going to keep you here resenting that you’re here, to keep your mother happy.  You’re a grown man and I don’t want to tell you that you need help when you think you don’t.

But I might need a little help!

How do you know that? You seem like a bright kid. You present like things are going well for you. Your not in any kind of trouble are you with the law or school?

No!

I didn’t think so!

You probably have a girlfriend and you know how to have safe sex so I doubt there are any problems there either.

No problems there!

Okay so you haven’t thought of hurting yourself in any way have you? Or killing yourself?

Maybe.

Maybe? Can you tell me about maybe?

It’s hard! I’m not sure how or why.

Yes you’re right – this kind of conversation is difficult!

No! Not the conversation! The words to express what I feel!

How do you feel?

Just empty, nothing seems to have any meaning!

Yes, life can be that way sometimes! How long have you felt this way?

I would say for about eighteen months now!

What happened eighteen months ago that you’re finding hard to talk about?

By this time there were tears flowing from his eyes. His big eyelashes seemed to hold a lot of tears and as he blinked on occasion, drops would flicker off his lashes and on to the floor.

Why is it that nothing seems important to me? School is full of stuff that I won’t even use or need in my life and people are mean.

So who is mean to you?

Not me really, I get along fine! People like me because – all kinds of reasons – because I fit their mold. So they’re comfortable with me.

Okay, so no one is mean to you! Are you mean to yourself?

What do you mean by that?

Do you like yourself, the person you are?

What person am I? I don’t even know that?

Know what?

The person I am.

Do you know who you are?

Yes, in a way!

Yeah, what way?

I guess the same way you are.

Which is what?

Oh shit man! Which guy do you want to see?

I like the guy in front of me right now! He is intense and he is questioning, and he’s sad…

I’m more than that.

Like what?

I’m all self-concerned. It’s me! Me! Me! Fucking me, that’s all I care about!

Okay, so good, thank God!

What the hell? Thank God for what?

I thought I was the only one feeling like that, but now I know there is at least two of us!

Shit man, I am all over the place! I am greedy to a fault , angry to a fault, jealous to a fault!!! And horny all day! And I just want to jerk off to porn and play video games all fucking day and just tell the world to fuckoff!!!

Well except for the horny all day stuff I’m with you. Although when my wife around sex still comes to my mind.

I’m not fooling around here! This is real stuff!!

Yes and I see that you mean it! But I still don’t feel any different than you!

Well what am I doing here then!

Maybe you’re making friends?

You’re too old to be my friend anyway!

Well that’s up to you! But how many friends do you have right now?

Lots!!

That you can say all that you said to me?

None!

So we are friends then!

Okay, but you get paid

Yes I do.

Maybe I could end up helping crazies too.

Well my friend, you are far from crazy!

I feel crazy!

People who choose to be crazy don’t know they are. And definitely don’t talk about problems in the sane way you do.

How do you know that?

Those marks on your hands are from hitting walls?

Hey, how did you know?

Because you’re not crazy. You’re angry and when you’re as angry as you, sometimes people choose to do angry things like punch walls!

I don’t want to but I can’t help it!

Well, did you get any more angry than you were today with me?

No, that’s about it, but I wanted to punch the wall!!!

Yes, you wanted to but you made a better choice and you didn’t!

Well why do I feel this way?

Because a lot of what you say is true and you haven’t figured out how to satisfy yourself in a more useful way.

I think I better find some better ways!

See crazy people don’t say that. People who are choosing to crazy don’t self evaluate like you just did.

Maybe my mom was right about seeing you.

Okay. What would you like to do about that?

Eat crow I guess!

Hey eating crow is part of life sometime.

Yeah! I do feel better but shocked.

About what?

The things I said. It just spilled out. I ‘m sorry.

No problem. It happens all the time in here.

I think I should come back.

Okay. Next week?

Sure. Thanks.

Coachbri


The Minister’s Marriage

October 1, 2011

He was a well-dressed middle-aged man and he had an air of quietness about him. He sat down and started to talk.  He asked me a few question about the cabin and then said he was a minister and got my name from a college in Chatham.

Okay sir, how can I help?

I have come because I am having great difficulty with my wife and I think we are close to separating. She was very upset with the fact that I was coming here for help. She feels that nothing can be done because she feels I am married to the church and nothing I do or say to her now is going to change that!

Is she right sir?

I love my work and I feel I am good at it but there are times when one must draw a line in the sand and hold one’s ground.

Is she right sir?

I am a reasonable man and have many responsibilities so the needs of the congregation must come first.

Is she right sir?

I think you would like me to answer that question!

It would be helpful! So…

My wife sure thinks so!

But what you think is far more important, is it not?

I guess that’s true.

What’s true?

I tend to put the needs of the church ahead of our relationship. But that’s what is supposed to happen and she married a minister. She knew what she was getting into.

Sir, my question is this: Do you neglect her?

She would say yes!

Sir, she is not here. What matters is what you think of your behaviour or what you think of your relationship.

I think the community would see us as a loving couple. We never air our dirty laundry in public.

Sir, what do you think of your relationship?

Look, I am giving you the best answer I can, the best way I know how. You are beginning to sound like my bloody wife with all this talking down to me. I’m not a fool you know! Lots of people depend on me and look up to me!!  I’m a good minister!! A damn good one.

Now red faced and embarrassed, he sat silently for some time. The floodgates opened and soon large tears as thick as sand were streaming down his face. They seemed to gather at the end of his nose as he held is head in a guilty way.

So sorry so sorry … I don’t usually behave like this. Other people do that with me and I can take it. But I feel that I shouldn’t be like this. It’s just that…

…That you are human sir! And trying to be all things to all people has you in a pickle with your wife!

Yes… Yes… I think so! But I do love her.

Sir, does love neglect?

I DON’T NEGLECT HER, OKAY?

What do you call it?

I’m busy!!

So how is being busy helping you have a loving marriage?

Well it isn’t.

So what do you want?

I want to do my work in peace, that’s all! But she makes it almost impossible for me sometimes.

What times?

Well when I have to write a sermon for Sundays. She knows what I’m doing but she will always bother me about something … The kids or needing something at the store…little things like that.

Okay, so you have children too?

Yes.

Okay and how close are you to them?

Close, but according to her not enough!

According to you are you close?

Here we go again!

Sir, who determines your happiness, you or your wife?

Well she does!

Who determines how happy you are at being a minister?

The people in the pews.

Okay, so what does that mean?

What are you driving at?

If your wife determines your happiness and your congregation determines your happiness then how do you ever get those two together?

I can’t!! That is why I am so, as you said, in a pickle!

Sir, if your wife determines your happiness it is like saying a good preacher is a good preacher because the pews are full.

Yes!

But is that true?

So you’re saying if the pews are empty I’m a bad preacher.

Yes! What do you think?

Well no I think it is possible to be a good preacher but the pews still be empty!

Okay sir. Now, who determine your happiness?

I guess I do!

How do you know that’s true?

Well, people can say what they want or not, if I feel I gave it my all then I am happy!

Now do you think you are giving your best to your congregation?

Yes I love my work! I know I’m good at it!

How do you know?

I get lot of compliments and enrollment is up. I started new programs and the people that hired me are pleased.

Now your marriage – are you giving it your best?

Yes!

What kind of feedback are you getting from your wife? Are you putting as much care into your relationship with your wife as you do your church? Now please answer honestly – I said care.

No!

Okay, if you did, what would that look like?

I guess I would be home for dinner more and not read so late at night.
But dinnertime is a good time to see family dynamics and problems! What are your family dynamics at dinnertime if you’re not there and it is all on your wife’s shoulders?

Well, not good!

So what perception will your kids grow up with regarding their father?

I guess that I wasn’t around enough!

Yes, you know this. What happens in a family where there is the absent father?

Okay, I get your point!

Well what is it?

I know it well – my father was like that!

He was never around?

Yes!

How did that feel for you?

Real bad! I hated him for it.

And now you’re becoming him! What’s that passage, the child inherits the sins of his father or something?

You’re right! I see it!! Sorry I guess I didn’t see that coming!

Yes sir truth is and then you have choice to follow it sir!

I see that, thank you! I know what I must do, I’m sorry I bothered you with this!

Sir the truth is the thing that sets us free! But sometimes we must remove what is false to see it. I hope this is helpful sir!

Tremendously, thank you.

You’re welcome

Coachbri


Emotional Trauma is the Source of Self

July 19, 2011

It was a fresh night – a welcome relief from the intense humidity of the last few days. The birds’ calls seemed to be clear and sharp. From the noise they were making and how active they were, they to seemed to enjoy the cooler evening. The sunlight on the large ash tree added to the warm inviting color of the moss that was so gentle on one’s eyes. A teenage boy across the field wearing a muscle shirt was talking very loudly to two girls who were flirting back at him to win his affections. Their voices, young and carefree, seemed to carry in the breezes of this cool night. They seemed to talk endlessly with energy and excitement without stopping. An older couple, frustrated with them, asked if they could be a little more quiet. They just laughed and slowly made their way farther down the field and began again. The older couple let everyone around them know they were annoyed by these youth. Looking for agreement they didn’t get, they too moved on, away from the mirror which was unnoticed by their resistance of their ego self.  Humankind has not changed over time except in the area of technology. As a species we are barely holding our own.

 

“Why is self so strong in us?” was the question he asked.

What do you think sir?

I have no idea. I have tried very hard to do as you ask and see that I am the thing in my life that must change. But when I am in a crisis I always want the other person to change, even though, as you say, I am the one in pain.

Sir, what is the self and can it really change?

My self seems to always be on the move. I just get one thing and then I seem to be something else.

Yes sir. The self is always moving in contradiction.

But why does it do that?

Because self is a product of thought and thought is a movement, or energy, moving through a material process called matter.

That doesn’t tell me why it is always moving in contradiction! That doesn’t make sense to me!

Sir, thought has made yourself, myself and everyone else’s self. If you take on the thought of a Christ you call yourself a Christian. If you identify with Canada which thought has put together, you call yourself a Canadian, right sir?

Okay, yes!  But why is that a contradiction?

Because you or anyone else is not born a Christian or a Muslim or a Canadian or Chinese. It is the human brain taking on that conditioning from the outside, it is imposed on you and you must conform to it.

I still don’t get it. Why would we take it on?

Because if we don’t you are branded or punished.  You, needing people to be loved and belong and be safe, are forced out of fear to conform. That conforming is the beginning of violence.  See it sir!  Thought creates a sense of self to cover emotional trauma.  We naturally form images to be secure and those very images created the hurt and rejection we fear. So the contradiction is self always trying to find security through the images that thought has made and at the same time those images are always the source of the hurt because it can never be totally secure.

Why is that?

All images are made by thought and therefore a product of time!

So what? Who cares if they’re a product of time? They bring some security.

Show me one image you have that is secure!

Well I have an image of you that you’re a nice person!

Yes and if I yell or criticize you, you will begin to like me less and be hurt by my behaviour towards you.

Okay I see that! Okay, my mother loves me!

Okay. Has she ever hurt you?

No, never!

So you get along with her?

Well, most of the time!

And the other times?

Well, she is a pain at times and is hard to love!

Which means what?

I don’t know!

As long as she lives up to your image of you she is okay! But because she has some other images of you that you don’t like she is on the outs, right sir?

Yeah I think you’re right, but what has this got to do with self being a contradiction?

Everything! Self is one thing one moment and then something else the next. Self is a product of time and your whole psyche is put together by thought over time.
So this means there are two movements going on in man: the movement of time and a movement that is not of time, which in this discussion we can your “beingness”.

And they’re in contradiction?

Yes sir, all the days of our lives. Self is always trying to find security in a world that it has created that is completely insecure.

So nothing in life is secure?

Have you been able to find something that is?

No, not yet.

Sir, this is the fact! To be mentally well adjusted in a world as sick as this one is no measurement of mental health. In fact, people who can’t fit into this world could teach us more than the people who are. To give your life to achieve money, power, position, material things, and large banks accounts and to identify who you are with it is a sure sign of madness. Do you see it sir?

Yes I think so!

That is why I have such great feelings for the alcoholic and the drug addict. They are living that life because of the emotional trauma of this life. They weren’t loved, their needs were not met, and they are the walking wounded. So then the drug companies step in and assault and exploit them so they can cover up their emotional pain. It’s a vicious circle sir. Do you see it?

I think I do! So you say we are living and self is our emotional trauma.

Kind of sir. First there is both then your culture imposes into you their sickness.
Then looking for connection you are forced to conform for acceptance and approval and all that. When you don’t or won’t be controlled, external psychology is applied on you and the damaging nature of external control cripples us. In our pain we drink, drug, and addict to all kinds of things to cover our emotional abuses others inflict, which causes a huge wound in us psychologically. I can become a great doctor or politician, actor, or escape to the street. It is all the same. I am caught in the web of my own confusion and that is what I must free myself from. Be on street drugs, brain drugs, or the drug of religion or politics, or whatever my life is, chasing pleasure and the avoidance of pain. That is what most people are about! So seeing all this, can I not stop escaping into meditation and psychics and contacting the dead and all those games but face my own self-centered living and stop all external control in my life? Then perhaps the emotional trauma in our life heals by something beyond self and the movement of thought. Only then can one really face life without any expectations of our vain becoming.

Thanks Coach Bri.

You’re welcome.


Old and Full of Attitude

July 19, 2011

The fields of new sprouted corn were covered in golden light streaming through a hole in the dark black sky after a colossal storm. Several trees on the property were damaged by the strong winds. Nature had done its own pruning and the trees that could bend with the wind lost a few leaves and branches.  Others, old and rigid or whose roots were not deep, lost limbs or were uprooted and exposed and some would perish.

She was old and full of attitude. The caregivers were afraid of her demeanor and she always had a bone to pick. Anyone that didn’t do as she planned was told to get the f…k out of her room. People were convinced she loved her misery and nothing could be done about her. She had few visitors, some family at times, and she was more pleasant when they were around. I was called in to see her as she was very depressed and refused her medication.

I knocked and entered the room slowly. She was propped up in her bed and was moaning about something.

What do you want?

Hi, my name is Brian or do you want me to fuck off and get out of your room now?
Or we can chat a bit!

From the corner of her mouth came a little smile. Then she said:

Well for a fat guy you’re not so bad looking.

Well for an old battleaxe your eyesight’s not bad!

(This time she gave a more of a smile.)

You’re not a goddamn doctor are you?

No! I couldn’t live with myself if I was! I would be depressing like you.

I’m not taking their pills and you can go tell that doctor he knows where he can stick’em.

GOOD for you! I don’t think you need any pills either.

(At this time the nurse shot me a looks as if to say “What the hell are you doing?” I just ignored her and kept going.)

I’m not depressed! They just want me on pills so I don’t bug them! So I’m not a pain in the ass!

You, a pain in the ass? Come on, a sweet old lady like you?

You called me a battleaxe!

Yes I did! Are you?

Damn right!

So why are you choosing to be so miserable?

I not choosing this! They just piss me off.

Well I see that! Is there ever a time here when you’re not pissed off?

Never!

Not even when with your with friends, doing activities?

What are you anyway? A social worker?

Sure! I’m whatever you make me into!

What kind of smartass comment is that! I don’t have to talk to you!

You’re right, you don’t! But I’m really enjoying it. It is not often I get to talk to someone like you.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Well how old are you?

Ninety-four!

Wow! Ninety-four and you have more piss and vinegar you than most teenagers!

Yeah, so what!

Well is it working for you!

What’s that supposed to mean. ?

Well is it getting you what you want? It sure seems to me it is, I may be wrong.

What am I getting from what? Why don’t you speak bloody English!
I’m getting along fine! Not your business anyway.

Well that’s why they asked me to come and talk with you.  So that’s how I get paid.

For talking to people! Why don’t you get a real job?

I love my job, I told you that I get to talk to people like you, you’re ninety-four, you’re wise… Don’t you believe in talking to the wise? Don’t you think your generation could teach this generation a lot of valuable things?

Yeah, they won’t listen anyway!

Who wouldn’t listen to you? I’m sure you got a lot of wisdom to share!

For one, my grandson’s sons. Those little ungrateful bastards.

Wow! You’re really upset at them!

I damn well should be!

So why? What did they do?

They went and sold a piece of their farm, a family farm that we have had for generations.

How long ago was it that they did that?

About five years ago.

And you’re still choosing to be angry with them?

Damn right. That farm was in my family forever!

So it’s been gone now five years, and do you ever see your grandsons?

No, they only come at Christmas now!

So what happened?

They sold the farm! Are you goddamn deaf?

That I know but did they ever visit more?

Yeah they did until I found out they sold the farm to their sister. So now there is a new name on that barn.

Okay, so let me get this. You are unhappy with your grandsons and you have a grand daughter too and she is family, is she not?

Yes but she doesn’t have our family name. Are you stupid?

Yes I guess I am! Do you ever see her?

Yes she comes in once every couple months.

Were you ever close to her? Or your grandsons?

Well of course I was! That’s why this is so terrible.

What’s terrible?

That everyone has just forgotten me.

So you’re lonely?

Yes I guess I am! Who gives a damn anyway!

I do!

Why the hell should you, or are you just as lonely as I am?

I think you’re right! As I’m talking to you I feel lonely and sad for your situation!

I don’t need your pity!

I’m not giving it! I’m sad because a wise person like you can’t see how she is creating her own misery.

And how am I doing that?

Do you love your grandsons and your granddaughter?

Well of course I do!

So tell me: What are you doing to get close to them?

Nothing – I shouldn’t have to!

Come on – when you we their age, would you want to be around a person as miserable as you?

You’re a little bastard! You prick!

Yes that’s part of me too.  I am trying to help you not be so lonely! And I think you can see that and that is why you’re angering at me!

Oh speak English for Christ sake!

You said you have had visits with your grandchildren and something went sour in your relationship with them. What changed?

They sold that piece of the farm!

I know that but when they visited what did you talk about with them, when this went sour?

Hell I don’t know!

When did you see them last?

At Christmas!

Yes, what happened?

We had a huge fight!

And what happened?

I don’t remember!

Come on I know you do! How much time have you spent in the last five years criticizing them for selling the farm and other things?

A lot!

Okay, thanks for being honest! And if you could get along better with them, how do you think your life would be different?

Well, they would come and see me more!

How would you feel about that!

Better I guess, but they sold that farm!

Yes to your granddaughter and her husband. Aren’t they family?

Yes!

So what is it then!

She shouldn’t have married him!

Oh! Who should she have married?

The other guy! He was so nice!

So would you want your daughter married to someone you loved or someone she loved?

I’m not a dumb broad. I get it!

Get what?

Marry for love!

Right! So how many times did you tell her she should have married the other guy?

A few times!

And when you did, she felt closer to you? Or did she disconnect by seeing you less!

By seeing me less!

Good for her. She’s wise like her grandmother!

What is that supposed to mean?

If your grandmother was criticizing you about your choice of men would you want to be around her?

She did!!!

Did you listen to her?

No! I hated her!

So do you want to be hated?

No I guess not!

So how may years do you think you could live yet?

I don’t know … one, maybe two.

Well how do you want to me remembered?  Miserable and a battleaxe?

No! I just don’t know where to begin!

How about the next time I come in we write a letter together and I’ll see they all get a copy!

Oh! Oh! Would you do that for me?

Only if there is no more battleaxe language, just connecting language. Do you think you can do that?

Yes, I could write a good letter in my day!

I’m sure you can – you’re a wise women! I will be back in two days, is that okay?

Yes thank you!

You’re welcome!

Coach bri


My Husband Has Changed!

June 12, 2011

The rain had the ferocity of the wind behind it. It came in quickly and left the earth full and soaked with water. Many puddles had formed in the fields; the earth around the puddles was black and rich. The seeds planted beneath seem to grow before ones eyes as lightly green shoots spun to life.

She was very quiet and not sure why she had come.

You saw my husband and he is not the same man since and I really can’t figure him out. He’s stopped criticizing me and he’s dropped his constant demand for sex. So I have come to see you because I think you or him are up to something.

Like what?

Some plan! Whatever! I know my husband and since we’ve been married he has always demanded sex from me at the most inopportune times.

Yes he told me about that!

Well I wondered why he did that! He never really talks to me about anything. He just goes off and sulks. He behaves like another kid, for shits sake.

Yes he is aware of that as well. He told me that he sulks a lot when he doesn’t get his way.

He sure does! And I’m sick and tired of it. It’s another demand, a pressure, and between the kids, the house, and looking after some of my own needs I don’t need another person whining at me.

Yes he seems to know that!

Well that’s what he does. It is so unattractive that he’s so dependent on me. What’s wrong with you men! All my girlfriends say the same thing about their husbands. We laugh at you guys, you know!

I’m sure you do! But are any of your girlfriends divorced?

Yes they are.

Do they laugh at their husbands, now that they’re divorced?

No, they hate them!

Maybe your husband feels that divorce isn’t an option for you and he doesn’t want that to happen.

So what you’re telling me is that he thinks I’m having an affair?
Well no, I’m not.

I sure could have. That’s easy and with the way I look, men are always flirting with me. I seem to have that type of body that men like. They’re all the same! But one man for another man would be just another set of the same problems. I’m not interested in that.

So what kind of marriage are you interested in?

One that works!

Is it working now?

Well what did my husband say?

He said a lot! But none of which I can really discuss with you!

And why not??

I care about your marriage and I am willing to fight for your relationship for your marriage even when sometimes people don’t.

So you’re colluding with my husband?

No. Maybe I’m colluding with your marriage.

What the hell does that mean?

If you came to see me about your marriage to your husband and then he came to see me, would you want me telling you what you said in confidence to me?

Yes, why not? You’re supposed to tell us!

Well I don’t think doing that would help your marriage. Me telling you that your husband came to me and took responsibility for his behavior I feel is not breaking his trust. I think your husband won’t be upset about that he knows he’s made mistakes he doesn’t want to lose you. And I really think he is worried about that.

I know that in last two weeks I’ve been living with a different man and it’s really pissing me off.

So things are worse now?

Yes!

Well why is that?

Now I feel so guilty for the way I’ve been treating him.

Well so that means you’re starting to do a little self-evaluation. Is that so bad?

Well I guess not but I did fool around on him. But I ended it yesterday.

Why yesterday?

Well I knew I was coming to see you and my husband has been treating me so different. The affair lost all its appeal I think! I don’t know. I guess I see him trying so hard … I don’t know guilt maybe.

Can I ask you a question? It may help you understand it if you answered it.

Yes sure!

When you noticed your husbands change, when did that start?

About four weeks ago, I think.

What happened?

I just gave up fighting him and just gave him sex. Let him do his thing and get off and be done with it.

How did you feel about that?

I felt depressed, lonely, sad, and guilty.

Did he have any response to this?

Yes he stopped having sex with me and asked me what was wrong.

Do you think he knew something was up?

Why do you say that?

Well, what did you do in the past with his demands?

Just refused him and made him wait till I was ready!

What would he do?

Whine and act like a child. Give me the silent treatment. Same old bullshit men do!

But he didn’t, did he? He saw you change and he didn’t like it!

I guess not!

Is it possible that he figured something out?

Like what?

That he finally heard you and he doesn’t want to lose you.

Yes but why now?

Because you did something differently that you have never done before.

Which is?

You gave in to him! You had an affair, you depressed! But more important, he surprised you. Didn’t he?

Yeah he did, I thought he would end the marriage as much as I thought he wanted to.

What made you think that?

Well I thought he was as miserable as I am. I turn him down a lot; I criticized him all the time. But since your session with him he’s talking to me more and I know he listened to you because he explained to me that when I criticize him like I do I sent him the message I don’t love him and therefore he tries to do what most men do – have sex to reconnect. He said it really hurts him when I criticize him and if I have sex with him there is still hope.

Do you think he’s right?

You mean do I think you’re right?

No! He’s the one that gave you that information; I’m not your husband. How I think or not doesn’t impact your marriage.

How do I know this is genuine?

You don’t, you have to find out. Your marriage can be saved if you are willing to start caring less about what he or you want and more about what is best for your marriage, your relationship.

Yes I guess our relationship is real … too right.

Yes – a living, breathing thing depends on how you treat each other.

I think we need your help!

Sure that’s what I do – deal with people who want out of their self-inflicted misery.

So you think this is self-inflicted.

Yes. All throughout history human beings refuse to evolve psychologically. We are still in conflict and refuse any other way of living. The world is becoming a more dangerous place.

That seems so sad!

Don’t you feel the sorrow of your life?

Yes I do! Thank you. I must come again.

Sure!

Coachbri