Intermittent Explosive Disorder

July 27, 2009

My wife was looking up a drug a child was on called Clonidine. It’s a drug for people with “intermittent explosive disorder”, according to the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), which is the Voodoo Bible for psychiatrists. She was upset by the fact that on a blog site, these parents have their 3 year-old on this drug. She also told me that some psychiatrist, who has no idea what he or she is doing, said this 3 year-old is showing the signs of being bipolar, which is another made-up mental illness. On this blog the parents are let off the hook for their son’s behavior of biting, kicking and mistreating his parents. Never is the question asked: Are the child’s needs met? Does he get his needs met or maybe he has to go to this length to get them met. I’m sure the child’s perception and need fulfillment match up. When I hear stories like this I can’t believe how human beings want to get off the hook and or why people are so gullible. Please if you are reading this go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b30iwhEw9ho

Also check out this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKZXH7MOwjI

Help us educate!
This is drug companies getting rich off people who don’t want to self evaluate or they don’t know how!

Thanks,
Coach bri


A Tired and Angry Young Man

March 24, 2009

There was a soft rain that intensified and then slowly died out back. It seemed to move in waves, pushed and pulled by the warm wind. The snow was almost gone except for deep in the ditches along the roadside. It seemed so strange how the warmth of spring inflicted the snow with a sense of being out of place. Yet in the colder temperatures of winter, snow along the roadside seemed to define the season so well.

The warmer weather brought out the groundhogs and skunks and along the highway there was a lot of roadkill. Every couple of kilometers there would be another dead animal and the turkey vultures would return and have a feast.

He was a sad boy, yet deep in his guts he was angry, unloved and controlled. He wanted his life to be everything that it wasn’t. He had nothing to say that was good about anyone or anything. He spent the first thirty minutes of our time together trying hard to stay disconnected. He didn’t trust anyone except his sister. She was a few years older but only had time for him when it was convenient and she wanted something.

After that time had passed, he told me that there was no need for him to see me. He had life figured out. So I asked him to explain what he had figured out.

I know that life basically is full blown bullshit!!!

I think you’re right! How old are you?

Twelve, but what bullshit are you going to try and shovel down my throat? By comparing me with other twelve year-olds?

Well, I think nothing! I can see you do have life figured out. For twelve you’ve got quite a lot of insight into things.

More psycho bullshit! I’m not stupid!! It is pretty fuckin’ easy to figure it out.

Not for us all, it took me took me till I was forty to figure that out. You got it a twelve.

He sat in silence for several minutes and I remained quiet. Then I asked how he figured it out and could he share his secret with me.

Why would I do that?

Well you might want to put it in a book; you might help a lot of kids or parents.

Yeah right! Parents should be licensed!

Yep, only job I know that you don’t have to have any credentials for. Anybody can be a parent!

Well they shouldn’t let them! All they want to do is control us. Make us live up to what others think!

I know you’re right; I do it sometimes with my own kids. And I hate it. I see how they hate it and it hurts our relationship.

Well you should tell that to my parents. They’re both on drugs and I’m the one who has to look after them half the time. I do the fuckin’ shopping, pay bills and fuckin’ clean up their shit.

You seem pretty tired and angry!

No shit! How many degrees do you have to have figured that out?

I got through university, but you don’t have to have a degree to figure that out. You know that!

How the shit do you know what I know?

Hey you’re twelve, you have figured lots of things out and you don’t have a degree, unless you’re some genius child and are in university and you’re just playing me.

If wish I was in university!

Yeah, why is that?

Wouldn’t have to be in my home with my dumb parents.

That’s pretty tough eh?

At times!

How tough?

I think parents just use kids.

How do you feel used?

Well if you have them, aren’t you supposed to be there for them?

Yeah makes sense to me! You got another thing that figured out!

I hate my parents and so does my sister. She doesn’t even come home sometimes because she knows they’ll be wasted. The weekends are the worst.

Why do you say that?

Because they have their friends over and party and do drugs. And I have to cook and clean up their shit, they just use me.

That’s sad. I’m sorry. Is their anywhere you can go when that’s happening?

Sometimes I go to my Gram’s place. But then she freaks on my parents and then I get shit.

Do you think your Gram would come in and talk with me?

She’s the one who brought me here.

Are you alright if I ask her to come in and I talk to her?

About what? I can’t live there. My parents would freak, my sister already tried and the police came and everything and Gram got sick. Her heart’s no good.

Well I don’t want you to live there. We’d talk just about how when you come not to make a big deal with your parents. So you’ve got a safe place.

So Gram would call and tell them?

No, we’d talk about how she wouldn’t go at your parents and make things worse. She can just call and let them know you’re there.

She does that now!

Yes, but what else does Gram do that ends up making things worse?

She yells, gives them shit, but she should – they’re assholes.

Well, do you think your parents benefit by Gram yelling at them?

No! But they deserve it!

Yes they do but I’m concerned about you having a safe place to go. Is it safe there, do you like it there!

Yeah better than home!

Okay, so if Gram could not yell and get on their case when you have to get out, do you think you would spend more time at Gram’s?

I think so, but Gram’s not going to shut up. I know her. She’s going to be pissed at them.

You’re probably right but if she didn’t, what might happen? If she just had you call and say you are there.

It would be better I think!

Okay, so do you think she would come and talk with me? Could we do it together? I’d like to help.

I’ll get her to come next time. Can I come back tomorrow??

Well, I’m full tomorrow. How about Thursday and then it might be better for her if we give her some time to prepare.

Okay, thanks.

Coach bri


Parenting

January 31, 2009

When raising your children it is always best not to expect them to deal with their internal problem by addicting to some external drug or substance. You can only request this when you aren’t hiding from your own pain through prescription drugs or self-medicating.

The worst parents are those who, when young, party their brains out, drive under the influence, and get caught up in all kinds of mischief. Then, when they have teens, they insist their children don’t do as they did, or worse, they try to hide it from them, or tell them they have been through all that and now know better so they better listen. This is an indication of the lack of relationship and our self-centered view of life.

In all situations dealing with children, compassion is the only movement that brings into view the leadership and guidance needed to grow character.

Children are taught to be bullies as a reaction to their forced conformity. This sets in motion the process of entitlement and leads to their reluctance and mediocrity, where video games, drugs and booze are the only place where they find refuge.

Kids need more relationship in the form of human contact, where they direct the process and learning, as caregivers determine the outcome.

Our schools must be a place where kids learn about relationship before anything else. Without relationship whatever they learn will act as a poison that builds their self-interest and will not nurture their talents. Education is the process of drawing out our gifts and sharing them with the world, while not oppressing anyone else’s gifts.

Coach bri


Locked Within Her Pain

September 23, 2008

She was very attractive woman. She had very slender fingers, and she seemed to walk with such grace and dignity. As she approached the chair she had an engaging smile yet a deep sense of sadness seemed to be hidden in her eyes. I held out my hand and introduced myself and she took it and she shook it quite vigorously. She opened her spring jacket that was very well made, sat down and began to talk:

My husband told me I should come and talk to you. I have come from quite a distance and that in itself was an accomplishment. I took the day off work and even though I live about two hours away, I had to summon up the courage in order to come. I’m finding lately I have difficulty doing just basic things. And these attacks I get leave me feeling paranoid and fearful of all people and situations. I have seen the family doctor and he prescribed a medication for me, but after what you said on the radio about medication dampening your feelings, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

What hit you like a ton of bricks Madame?

Well that’s what my life feels like – no pure joy, no pure sorrow and nothing seems genuine since I’ve been on this medication and I also feel rather confused.

Okay, got it. So how can I help you?

Well that’s just it – I don’t really know. For the last two years I’ve noticed a change in myself and that change has become so disturbing that I don’t even want to leave my house. Sometimes I get this anxious feeling in the simple things that I used to do and enjoy. I can’t do it anymore. I try to hide it from my kids and I’ve been doing quite a good job. But we do have a family business and my husband knows me well and gives me a lot of space when I get into one of these paranoid states.

Well what happened two years ago that was significant for you?

Well nothing. I can’t think of anything. I’ve been racking my brains about this but I can’t think of anything that’s different that’s happened to me.

How’s your relationship with your husband?

My husband and I are fine. We have a great relationship together, were still attracted to each other, we have a good business and he’s been great about this!

Well do you have children?

Yes I have two girls and a boy!

And how are you getting along with them?

We get along great. I have a daughter at University and I have a son at community college. The kids are doing well. I have nothing to be upset about. My life is absolutely perfect.

Well if your life is perfect, does a perfect life include paranoia?

I know but why is it that I get paranoid over doing the simplest things? I’m going into the video store and I’m trembling going into there – it took me about twenty minutes just to drop off the movies.

Okay so how about your parents. Are your parents alive?

Yes both of them are. I have a few problems with my father but he’s just a bossy guy and always tries to tell me what to do.

What’s your relationship like with your mother?

Mom and me are mom and me! That’s just the way we are with each other – we get along. Or I should say we tolerate each other?

So you don’t get along well with your mother?

I don’t think my mother is the source of this trouble. She’s always been the way she is and I’ve just learned to live with that.

Live with what?

It’s no big deal really. It’s really not. She is just … you know … let’s say a little cool!

Cool or cold or callous?

I don’t think we have to talk about her. We just exist together and we get along fine. There are certain things I don’t discuss with her.

You mean things with your mother in the past two years?

No not really, nothing I can remember!

How do your children get along with their grandmother?

Well you know kids – they’re smarter than me – they just take her as she is and don’t pay much attention to her.

What is it that they don’t pay much attention to?

Just the way she is!

And that way is what?

The callousness as you put it – she’s a little cold.

Does your daughter get along with her?

My son gets along with her really well. He knows how to play her!

How about your daughter?

They were pretty good friends until my daughter was about 17!

Okay, well, what happened at 17 and how many years ago was that?

I’ll have to think about that one. I’m not really sure.

You’re not really sure of what?

Well it was about 18 months ago and my daughter was having some trouble.

And what kind of trouble was she having?

Well my mother came to me with my daughter because my daughter thought she was pregnant!

Well what did you think of your daughter going to her grandmother?

I was a bit shocked, pretty overwhelmed, pretty hurt I guess.

What does that tell you?

She seemed to adjust her seat and sit back in the chair and she took a nice deep breath and slowly turned her head and looked out the window. Tears began to roll down her cheeks. Each drop seemed to slowly move down her face and crash on her lap. Her right hand began to quiver and she began to take deep breaths. The words seemed to choke her and she tried several times to clear her throat and finally she barked out:

I just can’t forgive her!!

And who is it that you can’t forgive?

My mother. When I was 17 I got pregnant and had an abortion. When I told my mother she didn’t say anything to me. She simply closed her eyes, made a fist, stomped her foot on the floor and walked up the stairs to talk to my father. She then yelled something to my father and told him, “I’m taking your slutty daughter to the hospital for an abortion”. She came downstairs, went into the closet, grabbed my jacket threw it at me and said, “Get in the car”. As we were driving, the only thing she said to me was, “You have disgraced me. What will the neighbors think? And here I am, having to drive all the way to Ottawa so that no one finds out! Thanks a lot! My mother must be rolling over in her grave.” That’s all she said to me the whole drive.

Wow, that’s terrible. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine doing that to my child or to any child!

I told you she was callous! A real cold bitch!

Can we talk a little further about this?

Yes. I haven’t talked about it in years.

These feelings of paranoia and anxiety, have they ever happened to you before in your relationship with your husband or when you were younger, when your children were younger?

Well as a matter of fact they did – before the birth of my daughter!

Well what were you thinking when you were pregnant?

Well the same thing I’ve been thinking for the past two years I think! I keep wondering about the baby that I aborted. I keep wondering what my life would’ve been like if I kept that baby!

Tears flowed down her face like lines of silver. She cried for some time and we both sat in silence. Out of the window of the sun porch the sun was setting behind trees. The golden light of the setting sun filled the room with a breathtaking glitter. She reached into her purse and took out some Kleenex and soon began to dry her eyes. She then spoke with a quiet voice:

You know, I think this is all related.

I think you’re right!

I’d like to come back and see you again, I didn’t expect this.

That’s what I do here I deal with the unexpected. I’m glad you came.

Thanks, so am I.

Coach bri


Do You Have the Guts to Change?

June 10, 2008

Any person who is really interested in life and the planet must come to a place inside themselves where they stop trying to fix the outside world. They must truly understand change to be at the core of their internal perception of themselves and how they are related to the world. The world outside of us, all the madness that is going on, is caused by our daily life with each other. Here is where the greatest change and challenge to that change begins and ends.

Our schools are filled with teachers who, in order to teach their particular subject, do so from this old conditioned perception of life resulting in practicing external control psychology on their students. This only reinforces the madness created by this bullying psychology that destroys the classroom, making it into a minefield of conflict for both teachers and student who don’t have the skills navigate through this relationship minefield.

In the workplace few people love their job or use it as a way to transform their life. For most, a job is just an income, a place to go to relieve the boredom or gather enough money to get the pleasures we seek to mask our indifference to each other. This again is another minefield caused by the beast of external psychology.

If you have children at some point in your life, you must ask hard questions about what kind of world you are bringing these children into. Will they repeat the same old patterns that I did? I thought my life was different than my parents but when I look closely I see it is not. It is perhaps now more violent, more confused and twisted. Now here I have my own kids and the question remains, how do I raise them? The same old way, force them to fit into the economic world, conform to some neurotic religion or some new age believe system or some arrogant Secret, that puts some people up on the pedestal of a latest man’s latest egoism?

Coach bri


Poem to my wife

June 3, 2008

brian’s poem

Coach bri


Understanding Loneliness

March 30, 2008

The intense heat of the day was slowly dissipating. The magpies were all chattering to each other in the tall gum trees. A large cat sitting on a bush fence would often look to that gum tree when they were too loud. It was almost as if she was telling them to be quiet as the day was ending.

I sat in the hard chair for some time as the sun was setting in the ocean. The noise of the birds changed, as the sun died lower in the sky. It was as if the birds were debriefing each other about their day. There were moments of absolute quiet and then one of the birds would give out a loud chirp. A few others would answer and then they would be quiet again. The rhythm of the setting sun and the noise of the birds seemed so timeless and endearing.

She was a very attractive women with a kind smile and a curvaceous body. She shook my hand tightly as if to give me a message of her eagerness to come and talk. A mother of two teenage boys, she loved them and did everything she could for them. She had a great relationship with them and her husband as well. But she couldn’t understand why she was so troubled and couldn’t sleep. She had tried pills and meditation but they all seem to fall short of what she needed and wanted them to do.

She began to speak:
I want to thank you for seeing me. After that talk you gave at that dinner last night and what you said, I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. Your words seem to speak to me and I too feel this great loneliness and isolation. Most of the time my friends and family are distractions from it, and I keep myself busy doing so many things. I feel compelled to be in my boys’ lives and I slowly feel my grip on them loosening as they are having lives of their own which don’t include me. I think this is okay and the way of things but in my heart I ache with the loss I feel as the world will take them away from me. What you said last night affected me in a powerful way. I was angry at you first for making us all so uncomfortable, but then I realized what you said about how we escape from any pressure that leads us to evaluate ourselves. Can you please tell me why I am so lonely and afraid ?

We are so lonely because we have built a wall around ourselves and that wall has isolated each from the other. We have no direct relationship to things or people.

But why have we done this?

Does it matter why we have done it miss or should we not understand the fact of what is going on first and through what is going on discover something else?

Yes, I can see that but only because of the way you talked the other night. I could not come to that on my own.

Please, the truth is the truth and it is there for everyone if we are truly interested in such matters

Then tell me why it doesn’t matter. It took you coming to Australia for me to look at my, well, even admit this problem. I thought no one thought as I did. Yet it was so painful to see it. I felt like I was naked.

Miss, our whole life is set up this way. Each person’s prime concern is to fulfill their every desire. The demand for pleasure runs most of us and we can do that by the avoidance of pain. These two things we seem to be concerned about from morning to night. There is the pleasure of seeing your children succeed, getting the big job, buying the big house, the demand to be a somebody and be envied. This is what is going on all around us, which creates all the identifications and fuels the loneliness.

Well that is all I know how to do. Join this group, be a part of this movement, take this course to better myself to become a better person…

Is not the bettering of yourself a self-centered movement?

I guess it is, based on how you spoke the other night. That is one reason why I had to see you. That is my whole life. It is all about me, me becoming better. I have done Landmark and Tony Robins and many courses to better myself. I have spent thousands of dollars. But that only lasts a short time and I am back again, afraid and lonely. I have a good friend who I do this with and we joke sometimes and say to each other, “What is next in the course department?”, because the rate we are going we are going to be perfect by the time we are 65, and then have no energy to do anything.

Yes, this is the way of the world .Thinking you need something from the outside to master your life, take this course and you will be happy, believe in this god and you will be happy – it is all one in the same. Even now if you have done all this, the newest path is the path of the shrink and medication. These shrinks are just “confidence people” saying that the reason people are not happy is because of a chemical imbalance and it is not their fault, just a defective brain and most people love that because they are not responsible then for their life.

Brian, three years ago I was unhappy and I didn’t know why. I talked to my husband about it and he was to afraid to talk to me so he told me to go see someone, so I did. I wasn’t there fifteen minutes when he told me I suffer from anxiety . He gave me some pills and I took them and felt a lot better. Then my husband noticed a change in me and said I was not myself as everything didn’t matter to me anymore. I lost all of my sex drive and didn’t read or garden, both things I love to do and I stopped taking care of the boys, like making their lunch, things that I loved to do! So I went back and he changed the dosage and that didn’t work so we tried about four other medications until I sent my friend to see him and we compared notes and we both discovered they don’t know what the hell they’re doing!

Yes I know. I have seen this happening for years, people giving up their freedom and power and creativity to the church, the government or the shrinks. They’re all one and the same – corrupt from top to bottom.

That is a strong word, corrupt, they do help a few people!

Any help that divides you and takes away your creativity and sensitivity is corrupt. Do you know what the word means, to corrupt?

No, I don’t

It means to break up, to fragment. Are we all not fragmented? And each person is concerned with his own little petty attachments. His family, money, home, job, his personal beliefs, opinions, ideas and ideals. Are we not, in our daily life, battling with each other for our personal fulfillment and self-interest? Then we wonder why we are lonely! Relationship means the end of all this, to have a mind that is not driven by its self-centered desire, to have a mind that has understood all the factors of loneliness. The investigation of loneliness is to have a mind that is alone and comfortable with itself. To spend time with oneself, doing one’s own pursuits is not the understanding of loneliness, that is an escape the the presence of anxiety . Loneliness comes into being when the self is unaware of its own movement and allowed to run like a starving dog after whatever meal it thinks appropriate at that time. To see this and feel it in your heart and bones is to have an education that leads out of the darkness of one’s own loneliness. No course or book can lead you out the the prison you have built in which loneliness is just a room. There are many rooms that must be gone into and investigated, simply because they are there. That means freedom from all outcomes and arrivals, that is the flowering of understanding and compassion, which is love in action.

You have changed my life and I thank you for it. I have never felt this vastness with anyone before.

Perhaps it is because you have always looked outside for answers and have forgotten it is all about the questions we ask that empty our self-centered movement.

Why don’t you let me thank you? You sure push a lot, you are very challenging! I really like what you say, it’s hard to take but it affects me .

So then you make it about me and is that not the same pattern?

I have done it again, right? I see that and I have done it again! Okay, got it, sorry!

Now we can begin! See it, see it!

YES!! YES!!

Coachbri


A Difficult Family

November 26, 2007

Why is it that when we raise our children they are not allowed to make the same mistakes that we do?

The family I met with had lots of money and the mother thought she was special because it. She was a member of the rich, born into prosperity. She seemed to have an image of superiority about herself and her son was now making poor choices, involving sex and drugs and he was failing in school.

The father was a quieter man, afraid of his wife and not sure what to do in the present situation. All he knew was that his son was in trouble and he was doing all he could to keep some sort of relationship with him. His wife saw him as soft and having no backbone but all he was trying to do was to show his son he loved him.

The session began with basic questions, which were interrupted by the mother. The son and mother soon began to fight and the father looked bewildered and hopeless.

“Excuse me,” I said, “But can you just write me a check for my two hours and I will leave?”

“What are you talking about,” replied the mother. “I am not paying you for anything, you haven’t done shit yet!”

“How much can I do if every time I ask a question you answer for him and then you fight and yell at each other?”

“Well, this is what it’s like with these two,” replied the father.

Again the mother jumped in and criticized the father, telling him he had no balls and was only there to be like a friend, and not parent him.

She criticized the father and the son intensely and now was in a rage.

This went on for about twenty minutes – the son, the father and the mother yelling and screaming at each other. The odd time she would look at me and saying “You fuckin’ came recommended by a good friend and you just sit there and do shit and want to be paid. You’re fuckin’ crazy!”

I opened a book and began to write as I looked at my watch. Every minute I recorded in rather larger numbers ‘$5.00’. After about ten more minutes the mother said, “What the fuck are you doing?”

I told her I was helping her.

She asked, “How does writing down 5. 0 0 on a page help? What the fuck are your fucking qualifications?”

I said quietly that she has asked me to her house to help her family and she is paying me $5.00 a minute to be ineffective and that so far she has paid me 50 bucks and all I had to do is sit here and watch her yell and scream. “And you call me nuts?” I asked.

Dad laughed and then the son laughed too. The mother sat there quietly. And again I began to ask questions.

The son was open and clear and took responsibility for his behaviour. He talked about the drugs and the drinking he and his friends were doing. The mother sat biting her tongue and was rather astonished.

Then she jumped in and said, “My god, the problems you kids cause! You have no fucking idea of the trouble you create! You are grounded for a month and no sports or TV!”

At this the boy began to anger and stormed off. He yelled at her, calling her a fucking bitch.

The dad threw his hands up and went to get a bottle of water from the fridge. The boy yelled to his dad to throw him one too and he now sat at a different table.

The mother began to speak again.
“Well you see what he called me? I would never say that to my mother. He treats us like shit.”

“That’s because you treat me like shit,” the boy responded.

“Don’t swear in my house!”

“Excuse me, can I ask you a question?” I said.

Mom replied, “Yeah!”

“When you were young, how did you get along with your parents?”

“They were strict but I knew my place and obeyed what my parents said.”

“So let my get this right – you never had any problems with your parents?”

“No!”

“Never?”

“Sure, once in a while but I wouldn’t get in trouble so I didn’t cause a lot of problems.”

“Never drank or did drugs?”

“No way!!!”

“Yeah, my parents were angels. They never made a mistake.”

“No, we respected our parents,” replied the mother.

“I’m going outside. I’m sick of this shit! I’ll wait in the car for you,” the boy said.

“You get back here and finish this or your video games are gone for a month. And I mean it!”

“Up yours!!”

He slammed the door and left.

“See what mean! Look, I know what my son needs.”

“How is that?”

“I don’t want you to tell him but I was addicted to cocaine and so was my husband. I know the path he is on and he is in trouble.”

“So let me get this right. You lie to your son about you past, you have done things he is now doing, and it was okay for you when you were doing it but it is not okay for him.”

“I put my parents through hell and so did my husband put his parents through hell. So we have been there and we know what he is up against.”

“He also has a relationship based on lies with his parents. And all you’re doing is punishing him. How is that making the situation better?”

“What should I do, just do nothing and let him do it?”

“How is what you’re doing now with punishment making the situation better?”

“Well it’s not! But that is not the point!”

“When your parents dealt with you, were they doing drugs?”

“No! Mom drank a lot.”

“How do you describe your relationship with your mother when she was drinking a lot?”

“Poor! We hated each other!”

“Do you hate each other now?”

“No.”

“What changed?”

“I hit rock bottom and she was there for me!”

“So you worked it out with her?”

“Yeah.”

“How?”

“She stopped fighting and we listened to each other! But this is why I know I am not going to let my son hit rock bottom. I’ll send him to military school if I have too. This is a bunch of bullshit, you should leave now. You’re fucking blaming me for his shit.”

At this point the son returned and sat down.

“So the session’s over? Mom doesn’t like it when people don’t get impressed with money. I can’t believe you lasted this long!”

“Well I hope you make some better choices son. But somehow I think the next few years of your life are going to be pretty intense.”

“Here’s the check then. Bye.”

“Goodbye.”

The boy commented, “We should have you here a lot if you can make my mom shut up. That’s something not a lot of people can do!

“Well sorry, I don’t I think I can help.”

Dad replied, “Thank for your time.”


Parenting Using Internal Psychology

October 3, 2007

Effective? Yes. Easy? No. BUT worth every grey hair

Raising children is not an exact science. It is a delicate dance between caregiver and child that sees a swaying and flexing on both sides to make the relationship work. From the very beginning we are communicating and teaching the skill of negotiating. If a baby’s needs are met, the baby will learn to trust. That sets the stage for healthy negotiating between caregiver and child.

Parenting does not have a strict set of rules that works for everyone. A parent has to be aware of their child’s individual needs and respond as supportively as possible to encourage healthy mental, emotional and physical health.

Each child comes with their own personality traits and may have different wants than another child. It is important to be in tune with what they want and attempt to satisfy these by meeting their needs.

Everyone has common needs for survival, love and belonging, fun, freedom, power but parents will discover that the degree to which you meet these will vary with each child depending on their expressed wants.

Since we, as parents have the first influence on our children, we do have a huge responsibility to set the tone for the development of healthy esteem.

Many of us have been raised with a psychology that says ‘father/mother knows best’ where the power balance is fully weighted on the parent’s side. Well internal psychology teaches us that individuals know what is best for them so we need to constantly inquire with our children to understand what they want.

To some degree we as parents do know what keeps a little one safe but you will be utterly amazed how quickly a young human being can make safe and appropriate decisions if you give them the information they need to do so.

If the caregiver can relinquish control and allow the child to have some power in decision making, this will increase the likelihood that the child will have success in achieving their own goals.

Children who are taught from a young age to make decisions and accept the consequences of their actions usually become teenagers who recognize the relationship between their behaviour and the resulting consequences.

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She’s in Pain & Spoiling Our Kids – Response to your Questions

October 2, 2007

Brian,

If you can offer some advice on this problem I’m having that would be really appreciated.

So, theres this girl that I’ve been kinda seeing for the past few weeks, about a week ago she told me she is addicted to crystal meth. She says she wants to get off it and is trying to use less and less but if she doesn’t use she cant function at all and just lies in bed feeling like shit. Her theory is this, just use enough so she can do things like work etc and gradually get off it. I don’t think that will work. I can understand why she uses, she has a really troubled past with alot of abuse and other bad things happening to her, most of which is too painful for her to even talk about, so using is her way to block it all out and feel better even if only for a while. She is also on a bunch of prescribed medicine for depression, anxiety, and taking tranquilizers etc.

I want to help her but really don’t know what I can do. Whenever we are together, if we are having fun she is high and if she isn’t then she is just sleeping, or feeling really sick. Also since Ive been trying to help her by just being with her Ive been ignoring things I should be doing for myself which may sound a Little selfish but i feel like on one hand its too much for me to deal with but on the other I want to help her and cant just walk away, she doesn’t really have any friends or family that can help her.

If she doesn’t stop this will kill her.

Oh yea, when I was young my dad died from a drug overdose, that’s probably why this is really close to me.

Please help if you can.

Thankyou

Michael


Hi Brian.John Leinemann here, conrad’s brother. Last year when you saw Barb and I, you said “would not it not be a wonderful world if all the children were spoiled”. I was wondering if you could expand on that?Thanks, John.


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