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Coachbri Giving Workshop In Kelowna On Relationships

January 28, 2012
Creating the Relationships you need and want
humanpotentialplus+
Brian O’Reilly DSW,CT/RT
brianoreilly.ca
HPP Level 1 Workshop
3 Full Days
Date: February 17,18,19. 2012
Location: #314, 3001 Tutt St. Kelowna
Cost: $600
Includes: 3 lunches and 2 dinners
Early
Registrations!
Save $50
Online registration
Available!
Registration:
Limited registration, Save $50 off cost with full payments 2 weeks in advance.
Check website for further details. Call 647 401–7929 or Email: info@humanpotentialplus.com
You can also contact John Leinemann 250 808–5566.
Brian O’Reilly began coaching and giving seminars on human potential at the age of seventeen. For the past 30 years, he
has coached amateur, professional and Olympic athletes as well as business professionals and executives. Brian and his wife
Bonnie have worked with youth and their families for the past 15 years. They operate a parent model group home and
treatment foster program for several Children’s Aid Societies. Brian’s passion and understanding of human behaviour acts as a
catalyst in organizations and individuals, helping them reach new levels of effectiveness in their personal and business lives.
Relationship Renovations
At Human Potential Plus we believe that happiness
in life comes from the balance between relationships
at home and relationships at work. The ability to
understand relationships will provide you with the
power needed to get along with the people you want
to and need to in order to improve your life. Knowing
the habits that destroy them and choosing a different
course of action can breathe new life into relation-
ships, the cornerstone to happiness.
This course brings an understanding of the problems
in relationships that keep people from getting along.
The course develops pathways to effectiveness
through the understanding of basic needs and meet-
ing the pictures of quality we have about ourselves
as partners, parents, coworkers, friends, etc. Further-
more, the course encourages the removal of old
habits related to external psychology by replacing it
with internal psychology; a process we unknowingly
practice when our lives are working for us.
Day 1
– Understand the common problems that create disconnection in
our relationships.
– Understand what we do with information and learn how to use
this information to make effective choices.
– Understand motivation and our basic needs.
– Understand the process of choice and creating the possibility of
change.
– Learn how to negotiate your relationships and choosing
happiness.
Day 2
– Learn the art of relationship coaching.
– Learn how to create intimacy in your relationships.
– Learn how to connect with people who are disconnecting from
you.
Day 3
– Learn the art of mastery coaching vs. bossing and putting what
we have learned into practice

A Woman in Death

December 24, 2011

The unseen cord to your life is slowly detaching
You, a mother losing, a mother

Women dying with surrender is a process she knows
A secret shrine that moves life through her
She forgets the pain and lives the joy and agony of her children
The strength of mother if she is, with autonomy,
Putting her needs on hold for her children
without regret

A daughter losing a mother, a piece of her own womb
Once strong, now frail, the vitality of death releases the mother’s heart
to find its place in the daughter
The last lesson a mother passes to the daughter as life comes, moves,
departs into its own

Every great man comes through women
Every great atrocity is created by men

Woman eventually tire of man
Unless that man leaves his subjective mind
And finds in him his mother, the gift women offers
Unspoken, without intent, humanity embraced to hold peace
and well being to the needy

Coachbri


Crazy with Anger

October 31, 2011

He was 17 and no one was going to tell him how to live his life. He was clean and well dressed in the latest styles. His hair was groomed and hands were rough and banged up.

He started off the session:

I am here because my mother said I had to come and see you. But I think she is the one that needs the help.

You are probably right sir. Most parents who force their children to do anything are sowing their own seeds of misery.

I think she means well but she’s always on my case about something.

So how did you get bribed into coming and seeing me?

I didn’t. I said I would do it if she got off my ass about shit!

Okay, so now you’re here and if you like I will tell her you came and you’re off the hook. I don’t see anyone who is forced to see me unless the court orders it.

So I can go?

Yes.

And you will tell her I came and spoke with you.

Well you did and you are so I’m not going to keep you here resenting that you’re here, to keep your mother happy.  You’re a grown man and I don’t want to tell you that you need help when you think you don’t.

But I might need a little help!

How do you know that? You seem like a bright kid. You present like things are going well for you. Your not in any kind of trouble are you with the law or school?

No!

I didn’t think so!

You probably have a girlfriend and you know how to have safe sex so I doubt there are any problems there either.

No problems there!

Okay so you haven’t thought of hurting yourself in any way have you? Or killing yourself?

Maybe.

Maybe? Can you tell me about maybe?

It’s hard! I’m not sure how or why.

Yes you’re right – this kind of conversation is difficult!

No! Not the conversation! The words to express what I feel!

How do you feel?

Just empty, nothing seems to have any meaning!

Yes, life can be that way sometimes! How long have you felt this way?

I would say for about eighteen months now!

What happened eighteen months ago that you’re finding hard to talk about?

By this time there were tears flowing from his eyes. His big eyelashes seemed to hold a lot of tears and as he blinked on occasion, drops would flicker off his lashes and on to the floor.

Why is it that nothing seems important to me? School is full of stuff that I won’t even use or need in my life and people are mean.

So who is mean to you?

Not me really, I get along fine! People like me because – all kinds of reasons – because I fit their mold. So they’re comfortable with me.

Okay, so no one is mean to you! Are you mean to yourself?

What do you mean by that?

Do you like yourself, the person you are?

What person am I? I don’t even know that?

Know what?

The person I am.

Do you know who you are?

Yes, in a way!

Yeah, what way?

I guess the same way you are.

Which is what?

Oh shit man! Which guy do you want to see?

I like the guy in front of me right now! He is intense and he is questioning, and he’s sad…

I’m more than that.

Like what?

I’m all self-concerned. It’s me! Me! Me! Fucking me, that’s all I care about!

Okay, so good, thank God!

What the hell? Thank God for what?

I thought I was the only one feeling like that, but now I know there is at least two of us!

Shit man, I am all over the place! I am greedy to a fault , angry to a fault, jealous to a fault!!! And horny all day! And I just want to jerk off to porn and play video games all fucking day and just tell the world to fuckoff!!!

Well except for the horny all day stuff I’m with you. Although when my wife around sex still comes to my mind.

I’m not fooling around here! This is real stuff!!

Yes and I see that you mean it! But I still don’t feel any different than you!

Well what am I doing here then!

Maybe you’re making friends?

You’re too old to be my friend anyway!

Well that’s up to you! But how many friends do you have right now?

Lots!!

That you can say all that you said to me?

None!

So we are friends then!

Okay, but you get paid

Yes I do.

Maybe I could end up helping crazies too.

Well my friend, you are far from crazy!

I feel crazy!

People who choose to be crazy don’t know they are. And definitely don’t talk about problems in the sane way you do.

How do you know that?

Those marks on your hands are from hitting walls?

Hey, how did you know?

Because you’re not crazy. You’re angry and when you’re as angry as you, sometimes people choose to do angry things like punch walls!

I don’t want to but I can’t help it!

Well, did you get any more angry than you were today with me?

No, that’s about it, but I wanted to punch the wall!!!

Yes, you wanted to but you made a better choice and you didn’t!

Well why do I feel this way?

Because a lot of what you say is true and you haven’t figured out how to satisfy yourself in a more useful way.

I think I better find some better ways!

See crazy people don’t say that. People who are choosing to crazy don’t self evaluate like you just did.

Maybe my mom was right about seeing you.

Okay. What would you like to do about that?

Eat crow I guess!

Hey eating crow is part of life sometime.

Yeah! I do feel better but shocked.

About what?

The things I said. It just spilled out. I ‘m sorry.

No problem. It happens all the time in here.

I think I should come back.

Okay. Next week?

Sure. Thanks.

Coachbri


Video – The Medicated Child

October 4, 2011

Below is a link to an informative video produced by PBS three years ago about the increasing use of psychotropic medication in the treatment of children.

Human Potential Plus would like to add the disclaimer that it does not believe in the existence of bipolar disease, which is spoken of at length in the video.

http://vimeo.com/19920017

 


The Heart of Jealousy

July 26, 2011

It had been a long day. The heat seemed to make everything more laborious. As he walked to the little cabin his stride was slow and methodical. She had a lot of spring in her step. She walked ahead of him and told him to quicken his pace. After introductions we sat for several moment in silence and let the air-conditioned cabin refresh us.

I made the appointment with you because I am at my wits end with him. He is always depressed and seems to be so whenever he doesn’t get his way. This is the fourth time seeing someone like you and the only reason I am is because the other people we saw just wanted him on pills, saying that he has a chemical imbalance.  He had been on pills about fifteen years ago when I met him. He then had a chemical imbalance too but once we started dating he told me about it. After, I broke up with him because he was controlling and jealous at times. He stopped taking his meds because I told him I needed someone who I could count on and I didn’t want the roller coast life with him. I had been through that with my father.  We met again three months later and he was off meds and our life was fine.  But since he lost his job things have gotten a lot worse. The next person we saw told me he wasn’t getting enough sex, after he had a private session with each of us. It was basically my fault.

I said it wasn’t your fault, the husband said softly. We have been through all that. That guy was just a Freudian quack, he said in a louder voice.

So now we are here! He is depressed, is not working or looking after any of his responsibilities with the kids or looking for work.

Thanks for being so straight and honest! I hear your view of the problem and you might be 100% right. But what if you’re only partly right?

Then it is better than being 100% wrong!

So if we want to find a solution to this problem, which we haven’t fully defined, then would you be happy with only solving 50% of it?

No I guess not!

So I need to hear your husband’s side!

I am fine with what my wife said. She is right! She is always right when it comes to me. She knows me pretty well.

So does she always know what’s best for you?

Yeah, pretty much!

Wow this is an interesting case!

Well the last few we saw told us we were typical! said the wife .

Well I don’t think so, this I kinda unique!

How is that? they both said.

Well your husband may be the first human being I have met that his wife knows what best for him and he agrees with it.

This made them both laugh, for several minutes.

Do you see what you’re doing now, the both of you?

We’re laughing!

Yes, so I think your learning something! Can you tell me what?

We fight about this all the time. So it’s kind of funny!

And the fight is about what?

He always tells me to stop telling him what to do.

Okay and what goes on inside you, as her husband?

Well I just slow down! Or pretend I don’t hear her, or just do it!

But you’re angry and then get back at me with not helping the kids! Right?

Yeah! She’s right!

Yes and now you guys are doing it again!

Doing what again?

I think you know! You’re smart people!

I know what he means honey!

Good! Well tell me! I always said she is right!

Yes and there is more but if I am going to help you, I need to ask your husband some more questions.

Okay I’d like that! I love it when he squirms for a change.

Sir please tell me! How did you lose your job!

I quit!

Yes he holds jobs for about four to five years then quits!

Please I need to talk to your husband now. Just him, okay? When I’m done, I promise you can have a say! I just need a few minutes. Can you give me that!

Yeah, sorry!

Okay now what is common in all of your last jobs and your relationship with your wife!

He thought for several minutes and replied.

Yes sir, that’s it!

What is it? What was the last job you had that you really liked?

The last one!

Why did you quit then?

Well, I got this new boss and he was a real jerk!

Okay, the job before that?

I left because they wanted me to work in another department, a promotion.

Yes and the job before that?

I quit because the boss was a jerk!

What is the point of all this? I don’t get it! This is beginning to piss me off. What is your fuckin’ point?

I just made it!

What? Honey this guy’s another quack!

I don’ t think he is! I think I see something.

Now don’t tell him!

What? So now it’s two against one.

No it’s not. I’m not on his side. I’m on your side, said his wife.

Yes, I’m only on the side of your relationship! Right? That is what you are here to see me about – your relationship.

Okay, well, if my wife sees it and you see it, then what is it that you see? It’s only fair to tell me.

Well, I can tell you, said the wife, but he won’t let me!

Listen, you have come here to get some help right? And I feel I can help you. But I think it is very important for your husband to find this answer for himself. How many times in your life have other people told you about you and what your difficulty is or was and you listen to them?

Well, only if I care about the person!

Okay, so when your wife gives you her picture of what’s wrong with you, do you change?

He sure as hell doesn’t.

Pardon me but I am asking your husband.

Okay sorry!

She can’t help it – she’s all over me!

Well I should be, you’re acting depressed so you don’t have to work, so you can just be lazy!

Do you know what you’re both doing now? This is the cycle you’re both caught in and I don’t think you want to break that cycle.  You have too much invested in it!

Why would he and I invest in something that doesn’t work?

Yes, I don’t like this. I’m sick and tired of her at me all the time!

And I’m sick and tired of having to do everything while you depress! That’s not fair to me, and I deserve better. And let me tell another thing: if it wasn’t for the kids, I would be gone eight months ago.

So what stopped you? I questioned

The kids!

What about the kids?

It would hurt them too much to see us apart! I don’t think divorce is the answer!

Well in this case I don’t think it is easier. I feel you’re right!

So that puts me between a rock and a hard place, she said.

So when things were at their best and you felt good about your relationship, when was that!

Two years ago, said the husband.

About four months ago I guess really for me!

Wow. Tell me about for months ago!

I’m used to him working, making money, getting promoted and then within a few months he loses his job because he can’t get along with his new boss. It’s clockwork. Then he depresses, I get fed up and we see a counselor, I threaten to leave, he picks up his socks, gets a good job, does well. And the whole thing starts over again.

Okay!  So is this true or is it your perception of what happens.

My perception but it does happen!

Okay, now is she right!

Well yes but no!

The no is what, about eight months ago, right? You said eight months? What happened?

Nothing I can think of!

So the both of you can’t see anything that happened eight months ago.

Yes I can! said his wife.

What, we had a major fight?

We were at a pizza place and I lost it on him.

Why?

Because he asked me if I was having an affair with this guy we met at the pizza place.

How many times over the course of you being together has he accused you of having an affair?

My god, if I think back every time!

That is part of the pattern isn’t it?

I travel with work a couple times a year and I have to go through hell with him before I go and after I come back.

Well she just springs them on me!!!

No I don’t. I have to listen to you weeks before I go! I tried to give you time to prepare for me leaving. I am only gone three or four days two times a year, for gods sake!

At this, the room went dead quiet for some time. Then the wife noticed he was crying.

I’m just afraid you’re going to leave me! You’re so beautiful and it’s like before: I think you’re going to leave because you left me before.

Yes, when we were dating and we didn’t have children and I was not having an affair. If I wanted to be with someone else I would tell you and not have an affair behind your back. Give me some credit!!!

I do I do! I’m sorry. I just can’t help it!

Can I ask you a question? If you can’t help it, what do you think is going to happen to your relationship in the end, if you are incapable of learning something new?

Well, I guess I will drive her away!

So when you struggle with your relationship with your wife and you’re upset, who do you push away?

Well her I guess!

Yes and who else?

I don’t know!

I think you do!

Maybe the people I work with? Is that what your driving at?

I am asking. I see you are in pain. You love your wife and you have a lifetime of controlling people with your depressing.

Did it work on your wife?

No!

So when you feel out of control with your wife, what do you do?

I depress I guess!

Yes and what else?

I just stop working!

Before that?

I guess I just stop…

Trying to get along with people? I said

Yes!

So when you can’t get along with people, what happens?

I depress.

Would you stay married to someone like you?

No!

But she chooses to!

Hey I could do a lot worse! He has a lot of good qualities.

Like what?

Well, he’s very romantic at times. I know he loves me! He’s funny and sensitive for sure. It’s this jealousy thing – it keeps creeping up!

Yes, so if you could learn to not be jealous, what effect do you think that would have in your life, and the relationship with your wife?

It would sure improve things, the husband said.

It is what I always wanted! said the wife. I would love him more for it!

So what do you think? Could you and I get together separately some time next week and talk about your choice to be jealous?

It does feel like a choice!

Are you jealous now!

No! I don’t feel that way.

Why not!

I guess I feel like I’m caught with my pants down!

Yes, you exposed the insecurity that jealousy is.

Yes and it’s kinda dumb of me to be jealous.

Sir, jealousy is nothing more than the emotional content of your thinking, coming from the self that is insecure.

It feels stupid now that it is out like I’m …

Irrational sir!

Yes!

Can I see you next week?

Yes I am looking forward to it. Thanks. This was hard but good!

Yes sir! Life comes to wake us from our stupidity.

Coachbri


Poem for My Daughter

July 19, 2011

My mind races to find the years with you, the seamless years measured only by moments where I felt discontented watching life long for itself.

Only because you were growing up and developing into a woman,
No longer interested in the things I could show you.

The rocks we looked under and the treasures we found. Your eyes so bright!
Walking in the river or in bedtime stories I told you, dolly rabbit adventures, stories of life longing for itself.

As you got older trying to find myself in your eyes, feeling awkward.  I was always the one in trouble and you, my guardian.

Then you cut your eye off a table and I held your hand as the doctor stitched your eye. I marvel at your bravery and we look deep into each other’s eyes and touch the place where daughter and father feel deeply life longing for itself.

So as you leave for the hospital with the father of your child I call out to you as labor does its dance and ask if you want me to be with you. Another awkward moment where I have to let go of my little girl and embrace you as a mother.

You smile back and say, “No dad! I’II be fine”, and I instantly know my place. Yet I just see the little brave girl who must face the pain of life longing for itself.

Then the next day I feel the joy of the universe in my granddaughter’s smile. I look at you and see the contentment and strength in your eyes of life longing for itself.

You have your mother’s heart, your gramma’s wit but most of all you have found your way to motherhood and embraced it.  There is no greater offering to the world than being the vessel for life longing for itself.

I love you Tara darling! Shea is a lucky baby!


Old and Full of Attitude

July 19, 2011

The fields of new sprouted corn were covered in golden light streaming through a hole in the dark black sky after a colossal storm. Several trees on the property were damaged by the strong winds. Nature had done its own pruning and the trees that could bend with the wind lost a few leaves and branches.  Others, old and rigid or whose roots were not deep, lost limbs or were uprooted and exposed and some would perish.

She was old and full of attitude. The caregivers were afraid of her demeanor and she always had a bone to pick. Anyone that didn’t do as she planned was told to get the f…k out of her room. People were convinced she loved her misery and nothing could be done about her. She had few visitors, some family at times, and she was more pleasant when they were around. I was called in to see her as she was very depressed and refused her medication.

I knocked and entered the room slowly. She was propped up in her bed and was moaning about something.

What do you want?

Hi, my name is Brian or do you want me to fuck off and get out of your room now?
Or we can chat a bit!

From the corner of her mouth came a little smile. Then she said:

Well for a fat guy you’re not so bad looking.

Well for an old battleaxe your eyesight’s not bad!

(This time she gave a more of a smile.)

You’re not a goddamn doctor are you?

No! I couldn’t live with myself if I was! I would be depressing like you.

I’m not taking their pills and you can go tell that doctor he knows where he can stick’em.

GOOD for you! I don’t think you need any pills either.

(At this time the nurse shot me a looks as if to say “What the hell are you doing?” I just ignored her and kept going.)

I’m not depressed! They just want me on pills so I don’t bug them! So I’m not a pain in the ass!

You, a pain in the ass? Come on, a sweet old lady like you?

You called me a battleaxe!

Yes I did! Are you?

Damn right!

So why are you choosing to be so miserable?

I not choosing this! They just piss me off.

Well I see that! Is there ever a time here when you’re not pissed off?

Never!

Not even when with your with friends, doing activities?

What are you anyway? A social worker?

Sure! I’m whatever you make me into!

What kind of smartass comment is that! I don’t have to talk to you!

You’re right, you don’t! But I’m really enjoying it. It is not often I get to talk to someone like you.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Well how old are you?

Ninety-four!

Wow! Ninety-four and you have more piss and vinegar you than most teenagers!

Yeah, so what!

Well is it working for you!

What’s that supposed to mean. ?

Well is it getting you what you want? It sure seems to me it is, I may be wrong.

What am I getting from what? Why don’t you speak bloody English!
I’m getting along fine! Not your business anyway.

Well that’s why they asked me to come and talk with you.  So that’s how I get paid.

For talking to people! Why don’t you get a real job?

I love my job, I told you that I get to talk to people like you, you’re ninety-four, you’re wise… Don’t you believe in talking to the wise? Don’t you think your generation could teach this generation a lot of valuable things?

Yeah, they won’t listen anyway!

Who wouldn’t listen to you? I’m sure you got a lot of wisdom to share!

For one, my grandson’s sons. Those little ungrateful bastards.

Wow! You’re really upset at them!

I damn well should be!

So why? What did they do?

They went and sold a piece of their farm, a family farm that we have had for generations.

How long ago was it that they did that?

About five years ago.

And you’re still choosing to be angry with them?

Damn right. That farm was in my family forever!

So it’s been gone now five years, and do you ever see your grandsons?

No, they only come at Christmas now!

So what happened?

They sold the farm! Are you goddamn deaf?

That I know but did they ever visit more?

Yeah they did until I found out they sold the farm to their sister. So now there is a new name on that barn.

Okay, so let me get this. You are unhappy with your grandsons and you have a grand daughter too and she is family, is she not?

Yes but she doesn’t have our family name. Are you stupid?

Yes I guess I am! Do you ever see her?

Yes she comes in once every couple months.

Were you ever close to her? Or your grandsons?

Well of course I was! That’s why this is so terrible.

What’s terrible?

That everyone has just forgotten me.

So you’re lonely?

Yes I guess I am! Who gives a damn anyway!

I do!

Why the hell should you, or are you just as lonely as I am?

I think you’re right! As I’m talking to you I feel lonely and sad for your situation!

I don’t need your pity!

I’m not giving it! I’m sad because a wise person like you can’t see how she is creating her own misery.

And how am I doing that?

Do you love your grandsons and your granddaughter?

Well of course I do!

So tell me: What are you doing to get close to them?

Nothing – I shouldn’t have to!

Come on – when you we their age, would you want to be around a person as miserable as you?

You’re a little bastard! You prick!

Yes that’s part of me too.  I am trying to help you not be so lonely! And I think you can see that and that is why you’re angering at me!

Oh speak English for Christ sake!

You said you have had visits with your grandchildren and something went sour in your relationship with them. What changed?

They sold that piece of the farm!

I know that but when they visited what did you talk about with them, when this went sour?

Hell I don’t know!

When did you see them last?

At Christmas!

Yes, what happened?

We had a huge fight!

And what happened?

I don’t remember!

Come on I know you do! How much time have you spent in the last five years criticizing them for selling the farm and other things?

A lot!

Okay, thanks for being honest! And if you could get along better with them, how do you think your life would be different?

Well, they would come and see me more!

How would you feel about that!

Better I guess, but they sold that farm!

Yes to your granddaughter and her husband. Aren’t they family?

Yes!

So what is it then!

She shouldn’t have married him!

Oh! Who should she have married?

The other guy! He was so nice!

So would you want your daughter married to someone you loved or someone she loved?

I’m not a dumb broad. I get it!

Get what?

Marry for love!

Right! So how many times did you tell her she should have married the other guy?

A few times!

And when you did, she felt closer to you? Or did she disconnect by seeing you less!

By seeing me less!

Good for her. She’s wise like her grandmother!

What is that supposed to mean?

If your grandmother was criticizing you about your choice of men would you want to be around her?

She did!!!

Did you listen to her?

No! I hated her!

So do you want to be hated?

No I guess not!

So how may years do you think you could live yet?

I don’t know … one, maybe two.

Well how do you want to me remembered?  Miserable and a battleaxe?

No! I just don’t know where to begin!

How about the next time I come in we write a letter together and I’ll see they all get a copy!

Oh! Oh! Would you do that for me?

Only if there is no more battleaxe language, just connecting language. Do you think you can do that?

Yes, I could write a good letter in my day!

I’m sure you can – you’re a wise women! I will be back in two days, is that okay?

Yes thank you!

You’re welcome!

Coach bri


Father and Son

June 21, 2011

It was a cool morning and the deep black clouds covered most of the sky. The irises gave off a sweet smell as the wind caressed them in a cool steady breeze. Morning had broken and the promise of another day woke the earth and all its inhabitants. The birds were first, a crow in the distance, and the sparrows and starlings. Every so often the dog would raise her head.  Her ears would perk up; she would give a deep bare tone, and bark at some noise she thought needed some attention. Then her large head would slowly fall to her paws and her ears would relax until the next noise of the waking earth caught her interest.

They arrived about eight on this Sunday morning. Both were well dressed yet seemed at bit rough as they had left Toronto in the wee hours of the morning.

The father led his adolescent son to the door. The son walked slowly and painfully a large distance behind him. As they got near the door the father said in a loud voice to his son:

Come on you little bastard. I don’t want any of your bullshit now. I have driven to this place for three hours and as much as I care you can stay here.

As I opened the door, after a loud aggressive knock, I said in a loud voice:

Welcome to the bastard rehabilitation center! Only bastards are allowed. Are you both bastards?

At this the father stepped back and his son, a handsome blond haired, blue-eyed, fit guy said:

Oh yes we’re bastards alright! He’s the biggest one though! pointing at his father.

The three of us all had a good laugh and they came inside and we sat in the den.

The father started things off.

Well I didn’t expect this – to start out laughing.

No sir. How can I help?

My son behaves like a little bastard, he dropped out of school, is smoking weed and partying all night, won’t work, won’t help out around the house, and steals money from me whenever he can. I have to watch my wallet and car keys, he got a ticket and we have to go to court. He had booze in the car, open, some half-naked slut with him.

She’s not a slut! She’s my girlfriend, you fucking asshole.

Sorry but I agreed that this session is only for bastards. You have to come back tomorrow, that’s my asshole day.

Both laughed and I sat there silently and kept a very serious face. I got out my computer and looked up the word bastard and read this to them.
The word  bastard means:
A contemptible, inconsiderate, overly or arrogantly rude or spiteful person. See asshole, sod.
(informal) A child that does not know his or her father.
(informal) Something extremely difficult or unpleasant to deal with.
Life can be a real bastard.
A variation that is not genuine; something irregular or inferior or of dubious origin, fake or counterfeit.

The father replied:

Well that about sums us up, if you go by definition.

Then the son said:

Doesn’t that apply to everyone, basically?

Yes sirs it does. So it takes one to know one, right sirs?

They both nodded their heads and the son had a smile.

Now can we get to it sirs. Now, all of us are conditioned bastards so why do you come three hours to see another bastard like yourselves?

You helped save my colleague at work’s marriage. He said you helped him with things so I thought we needed your help. So here we are and you can tell the rest. I’m sure you’ve seen it before.

Seen what sir?

This mess of a son! He’s a disgrace! I’m so pissed with him.

Sir I don’t see that!

Well then you’re a fucking idiot like him.

Yes sir my wife would concur with that! Do you know her? Has she talked to you?

This isn’t funny. You’re making my son laugh. This isn’t a joke! I’m pissed.

Dad, lighten the fuck up! You’re such an asshole.

Sorry sir. Do you want to know what I see?

Yes. I’m paying for this bullshit, aren’t I?

I see a man who loves his son, and is desperate to fix him when he himself is broken.  That’s what I see. Sorry Sir!
There was absolute silence for several minutes.

Sirs can you tell me: When did this all start?

Both men were now crying, the young man said:

Dad, tell him. For god’s sake tell him. Say it! Say it!

The father burst into tears and fell back on the sofa. The son just stared at him and shook his head.

Ever since my mom died! That’s what he can’t say. Fucking cancer two years ago and our fucking life has fallen apart.
Yes sir.

Now the son began to cry and this lasted for a good two minutes before a word was spoken.

May I ask you something?

Both nodded.

How do you think you have dealt with this trauma?

The son said:

I just party my fuckin’ brains out. I can’t take him – his bullshit around the house. His moods, his tears, his dates that he goes on and then freaks these people he dates out. He tells me why they aren’t like mom. She’s fucking dead! They’re not mom!

So you’re in pain so you party!  How does that help you?

It’s fucking better than doing what he does.

How is it any different?

It just is! I don’t sit at home and feel sorry for myself.

No, you just don’t let yourself feel!

Yeah, well fuck you! Why the shit did I come up here anyway?

Because you have hope and you’re tired of hurting and you feel safe.

How the fuck do you know what I feel?

Good point! So tell me!

I feel like shit okay? My life is fucked. I miss her too dad. She was my mom! But you’re … fuckin’ fuckin’ …

Fuckin’ what?

I still have a dad!

You mean you still need a dad?

Yeah, of course I do!

But not the one you have now!

No fuckin’ way. He’s got to deal with this for fucks sake. I can’t do this alone!

You can’t do what alone?

Be strong! Mom asked me to be but I can’t. I can’t do this!

Did you ever?

Yes he did, replied the father. Until you and Nancy broke up, right?

Yeah.

What happened?

Nancy was my old friend. Her and mom were really close. Dad liked having her around. She was great but I just couldn’t deal with it all.

So you pushed her away.

Yeah!

That was it my son. She just reminded me of your mom.

Dad that creeps me out!

Not that way. Nancy was just so easy to talk to.

Dad, she was my girlfriend and you were relying on her too much.

For what? I asked.

I don’t know

How about emotional support?

Dad, what do you think?

The father remained silent for some time.

Son, I think you’re right. I’m sorry that you broke up with her because I was too dependent.  You thought I wouldn’t move on. So you got rid of her for me.

Yeah dad! Mom told me you would take it hard. She knew. She told me to watch out for you. She warned me about Nancy, that you’d put too much pressure on her! She told me that.

Now the son was weeping and the father moved over to him and hugged him.

I’m so sorry son, so sorry.

I miss her Dad!

Who do you miss? I asked.

Nancy.

The dad, a little shocked, said, Not mom?

The son replied, Of course I miss mom but she’s dead. Nancy’s alive Dad! Alive!

I know. It’s just that it’s your mom!

Sir, may I ask, is your mother alive?

I don’t know. I never knew her. I was adopted.

Yes. So your wife was everything to you?

Yes she was.

But you still have a son!

Yes. I see that! And a daughter. She lives out west and is married.

Yeah and look at the pressure you but on her to stay. She almost gave up her job, to babysit us.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry! What do we do now?

Life is for the living dad!

You got a pretty wise son here! Why don’t you listen to him? Get closer to each other. Were you ever close?
Yes we used to be! He’s strong like his Mom is!

Was Dad!

Was, okay, was!

Well I think that getting close again is the best option. But can I give you both some advice?

Yeah sure! the son replied.

Try or do new things together, nothing you did with your wife.

No shit. Everything we do depresses him. He keeps bringing mom into it.

Well when your dad chooses to depress, how could you help him?

I can’t.

Right!

And when you choose to self medicate with drugs or drinking, how can he help?

He can’t.

Okay, but if you both work together on your relationship and it works better for you guys, will that help the both of you.

Well I wouldn’t be as depressed.

You wouldn’t choose to depress.

Okay, I need some help with that.

Well, when your son is in pain does he choose drugs?

Yes I do for sure!

Okay okay, I get it.

But I think I would like to see you again.

This was not what I thought it would be. I think I have a lot of work to do.

Me too Dad … like getting Nancy back!

Okay then! So call me and we’ll set up a time.

Sorry to come on a Sunday morning so early.

Anytime sir!

Coachbri


A Sad Truth

March 11, 2011

see the full size comic at http://manga.clone-army.org/AAM/AAM_059.jpg

AAM_059


Teens and Medication Abuse

August 25, 2009

Here’s an article that gives more evidence for why putting children and teenagers on medication doesn’t make sense: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090824/ap_on_he_me/us_med_adhd_drug_abuse_4