Coachbri Giving Workshop In Kelowna On Relationships

January 28, 2012
Creating the Relationships you need and want
Brian O’Reilly DSW,CT/RT
HPP Level 1 Workshop
3 Full Days
Date: February 17,18,19. 2012
Location: #314, 3001 Tutt St. Kelowna
Cost: $600
Includes: 3 lunches and 2 dinners
Save $50
Online registration
Limited registration, Save $50 off cost with full payments 2 weeks in advance.
Check website for further details.
You can also contact John Leinemann
Brian O’Reilly began coaching and giving seminars on human potential at the age of seventeen. For the past 30 years, he
has coached amateur, professional and Olympic athletes as well as business professionals and executives. Brian and his wife
Bonnie have worked with youth and their families for the past 15 years. They operate a parent model group home and
treatment foster program for several Children’s Aid Societies. Brian’s passion and understanding of human behaviour acts as a
catalyst in organizations and individuals, helping them reach new levels of effectiveness in their personal and business lives.
Relationship Renovations
At Human Potential Plus we believe that happiness
in life comes from the balance between relationships
at home and relationships at work. The ability to
understand relationships will provide you with the
power needed to get along with the people you want
to and need to in order to improve your life. Knowing
the habits that destroy them and choosing a different
course of action can breathe new life into relation-
ships, the cornerstone to happiness.
This course brings an understanding of the problems
in relationships that keep people from getting along.
The course develops pathways to effectiveness
through the understanding of basic needs and meet-
ing the pictures of quality we have about ourselves
as partners, parents, coworkers, friends, etc. Further-
more, the course encourages the removal of old
habits related to external psychology by replacing it
with internal psychology; a process we unknowingly
practice when our lives are working for us.
Day 1
– Understand the common problems that create disconnection in
our relationships.
– Understand what we do with information and learn how to use
this information to make effective choices.
– Understand motivation and our basic needs.
– Understand the process of choice and creating the possibility of
– Learn how to negotiate your relationships and choosing
Day 2
– Learn the art of relationship coaching.
– Learn how to create intimacy in your relationships.
– Learn how to connect with people who are disconnecting from
Day 3
– Learn the art of mastery coaching vs. bossing and putting what
we have learned into practice
2018  robes de soirée pas cher? spérons que nous pouvons avoir votre satisfaction au bout de votre achat.2018 Robe De Soirée

A Woman in Death

December 24, 2011

The unseen cord to your life is slowly detaching
You, a mother losing, a mother

Women dying with surrender is a process she knows
A secret shrine that moves life through her
She forgets the pain and lives the joy and agony of her children
The strength of mother if she is, with autonomy,
Putting her needs on hold for her children
without regret

A daughter losing a mother, a piece of her own womb
Once strong, now frail, the vitality of death releases the mother’s heart
to find its place in the daughter
The last lesson a mother passes to the daughter as life comes, moves,
departs into its own

Every great man comes through women
Every great atrocity is created by men

Woman eventually tire of man
Unless that man leaves his subjective mind
And finds in him his mother, the gift women offers
Unspoken, without intent, humanity embraced to hold peace
and well being to the needy


Crazy with Anger

October 31, 2011

He was 17 and no one was going to tell him how to live his life. He was clean and well dressed in the latest styles. His hair was groomed and hands were rough and banged up.

He started off the session:

I am here because my mother said I had to come and see you. But I think she is the one that needs the help.

You are probably right sir. Most parents who force their children to do anything are sowing their own seeds of misery.

I think she means well but she’s always on my case about something.

So how did you get bribed into coming and seeing me?

I didn’t. I said I would do it if she got off my ass about shit!

Okay, so now you’re here and if you like I will tell her you came and you’re off the hook. I don’t see anyone who is forced to see me unless the court orders it.

So I can go?


And you will tell her I came and spoke with you.

Well you did and you are so I’m not going to keep you here resenting that you’re here, to keep your mother happy.  You’re a grown man and I don’t want to tell you that you need help when you think you don’t.

But I might need a little help!

How do you know that? You seem like a bright kid. You present like things are going well for you. Your not in any kind of trouble are you with the law or school?


I didn’t think so!

You probably have a girlfriend and you know how to have safe sex so I doubt there are any problems there either.

No problems there!

Okay so you haven’t thought of hurting yourself in any way have you? Or killing yourself?


Maybe? Can you tell me about maybe?

It’s hard! I’m not sure how or why.

Yes you’re right – this kind of conversation is difficult!

No! Not the conversation! The words to express what I feel!

How do you feel?

Just empty, nothing seems to have any meaning!

Yes, life can be that way sometimes! How long have you felt this way?

I would say for about eighteen months now!

What happened eighteen months ago that you’re finding hard to talk about?

By this time there were tears flowing from his eyes. His big eyelashes seemed to hold a lot of tears and as he blinked on occasion, drops would flicker off his lashes and on to the floor.

Why is it that nothing seems important to me? School is full of stuff that I won’t even use or need in my life and people are mean.

So who is mean to you?

Not me really, I get along fine! People like me because – all kinds of reasons – because I fit their mold. So they’re comfortable with me.

Okay, so no one is mean to you! Are you mean to yourself?

What do you mean by that?

Do you like yourself, the person you are?

What person am I? I don’t even know that?

Know what?

The person I am.

Do you know who you are?

Yes, in a way!

Yeah, what way?

I guess the same way you are.

Which is what?

Oh shit man! Which guy do you want to see?

I like the guy in front of me right now! He is intense and he is questioning, and he’s sad…

I’m more than that.

Like what?

I’m all self-concerned. It’s me! Me! Me! Fucking me, that’s all I care about!

Okay, so good, thank God!

What the hell? Thank God for what?

I thought I was the only one feeling like that, but now I know there is at least two of us!

Shit man, I am all over the place! I am greedy to a fault , angry to a fault, jealous to a fault!!! And horny all day! And I just want to jerk off to porn and play video games all fucking day and just tell the world to fuckoff!!!

Well except for the horny all day stuff I’m with you. Although when my wife around sex still comes to my mind.

I’m not fooling around here! This is real stuff!!

Yes and I see that you mean it! But I still don’t feel any different than you!

Well what am I doing here then!

Maybe you’re making friends?

You’re too old to be my friend anyway!

Well that’s up to you! But how many friends do you have right now?


That you can say all that you said to me?


So we are friends then!

Okay, but you get paid

Yes I do.

Maybe I could end up helping crazies too.

Well my friend, you are far from crazy!

I feel crazy!

People who choose to be crazy don’t know they are. And definitely don’t talk about problems in the sane way you do.

How do you know that?

Those marks on your hands are from hitting walls?

Hey, how did you know?

Because you’re not crazy. You’re angry and when you’re as angry as you, sometimes people choose to do angry things like punch walls!

I don’t want to but I can’t help it!

Well, did you get any more angry than you were today with me?

No, that’s about it, but I wanted to punch the wall!!!

Yes, you wanted to but you made a better choice and you didn’t!

Well why do I feel this way?

Because a lot of what you say is true and you haven’t figured out how to satisfy yourself in a more useful way.

I think I better find some better ways!

See crazy people don’t say that. People who are choosing to crazy don’t self evaluate like you just did.

Maybe my mom was right about seeing you.

Okay. What would you like to do about that?

Eat crow I guess!

Hey eating crow is part of life sometime.

Yeah! I do feel better but shocked.

About what?

The things I said. It just spilled out. I ‘m sorry.

No problem. It happens all the time in here.

I think I should come back.

Okay. Next week?

Sure. Thanks.


The Heart of Jealousy

July 26, 2011

It had been a long day. The heat seemed to make everything more laborious. As he walked to the little cabin his stride was slow and methodical. She had a lot of spring in her step. She walked ahead of him and told him to quicken his pace. After introductions we sat for several moment in silence and let the air-conditioned cabin refresh us.

I made the appointment with you because I am at my wits end with him. He is always depressed and seems to be so whenever he doesn’t get his way. This is the fourth time seeing someone like you and the only reason I am is because the other people we saw just wanted him on pills, saying that he has a chemical imbalance.  He had been on pills about fifteen years ago when I met him. He then had a chemical imbalance too but once we started dating he told me about it. After, I broke up with him because he was controlling and jealous at times. He stopped taking his meds because I told him I needed someone who I could count on and I didn’t want the roller coast life with him. I had been through that with my father.  We met again three months later and he was off meds and our life was fine.  But since he lost his job things have gotten a lot worse. The next person we saw told me he wasn’t getting enough sex, after he had a private session with each of us. It was basically my fault.

I said it wasn’t your fault, the husband said softly. We have been through all that. That guy was just a Freudian quack, he said in a louder voice.

So now we are here! He is depressed, is not working or looking after any of his responsibilities with the kids or looking for work.

Thanks for being so straight and honest! I hear your view of the problem and you might be 100% right. But what if you’re only partly right?

Then it is better than being 100% wrong!

So if we want to find a solution to this problem, which we haven’t fully defined, then would you be happy with only solving 50% of it?

No I guess not!

So I need to hear your husband’s side!

I am fine with what my wife said. She is right! She is always right when it comes to me. She knows me pretty well.

So does she always know what’s best for you?

Yeah, pretty much!

Wow this is an interesting case!

Well the last few we saw told us we were typical! said the wife .

Well I don’t think so, this I kinda unique!

How is that? they both said.

Well your husband may be the first human being I have met that his wife knows what best for him and he agrees with it.

This made them both laugh, for several minutes.

Do you see what you’re doing now, the both of you?

We’re laughing!

Yes, so I think your learning something! Can you tell me what?

We fight about this all the time. So it’s kind of funny!

And the fight is about what?

He always tells me to stop telling him what to do.

Okay and what goes on inside you, as her husband?

Well I just slow down! Or pretend I don’t hear her, or just do it!

But you’re angry and then get back at me with not helping the kids! Right?

Yeah! She’s right!

Yes and now you guys are doing it again!

Doing what again?

I think you know! You’re smart people!

I know what he means honey!

Good! Well tell me! I always said she is right!

Yes and there is more but if I am going to help you, I need to ask your husband some more questions.

Okay I’d like that! I love it when he squirms for a change.

Sir please tell me! How did you lose your job!

I quit!

Yes he holds jobs for about four to five years then quits!

Please I need to talk to your husband now. Just him, okay? When I’m done, I promise you can have a say! I just need a few minutes. Can you give me that!

Yeah, sorry!

Okay now what is common in all of your last jobs and your relationship with your wife!

He thought for several minutes and replied.

Yes sir, that’s it!

What is it? What was the last job you had that you really liked?

The last one!

Why did you quit then?

Well, I got this new boss and he was a real jerk!

Okay, the job before that?

I left because they wanted me to work in another department, a promotion.

Yes and the job before that?

I quit because the boss was a jerk!

What is the point of all this? I don’t get it! This is beginning to piss me off. What is your fuckin’ point?

I just made it!

What? Honey this guy’s another quack!

I don’ t think he is! I think I see something.

Now don’t tell him!

What? So now it’s two against one.

No it’s not. I’m not on his side. I’m on your side, said his wife.

Yes, I’m only on the side of your relationship! Right? That is what you are here to see me about – your relationship.

Okay, well, if my wife sees it and you see it, then what is it that you see? It’s only fair to tell me.

Well, I can tell you, said the wife, but he won’t let me!

Listen, you have come here to get some help right? And I feel I can help you. But I think it is very important for your husband to find this answer for himself. How many times in your life have other people told you about you and what your difficulty is or was and you listen to them?

Well, only if I care about the person!

Okay, so when your wife gives you her picture of what’s wrong with you, do you change?

He sure as hell doesn’t.

Pardon me but I am asking your husband.

Okay sorry!

She can’t help it – she’s all over me!

Well I should be, you’re acting depressed so you don’t have to work, so you can just be lazy!

Do you know what you’re both doing now? This is the cycle you’re both caught in and I don’t think you want to break that cycle.  You have too much invested in it!

Why would he and I invest in something that doesn’t work?

Yes, I don’t like this. I’m sick and tired of her at me all the time!

And I’m sick and tired of having to do everything while you depress! That’s not fair to me, and I deserve better. And let me tell another thing: if it wasn’t for the kids, I would be gone eight months ago.

So what stopped you? I questioned

The kids!

What about the kids?

It would hurt them too much to see us apart! I don’t think divorce is the answer!

Well in this case I don’t think it is easier. I feel you’re right!

So that puts me between a rock and a hard place, she said.

So when things were at their best and you felt good about your relationship, when was that!

Two years ago, said the husband.

About four months ago I guess really for me!

Wow. Tell me about for months ago!

I’m used to him working, making money, getting promoted and then within a few months he loses his job because he can’t get along with his new boss. It’s clockwork. Then he depresses, I get fed up and we see a counselor, I threaten to leave, he picks up his socks, gets a good job, does well. And the whole thing starts over again.

Okay!  So is this true or is it your perception of what happens.

My perception but it does happen!

Okay, now is she right!

Well yes but no!

The no is what, about eight months ago, right? You said eight months? What happened?

Nothing I can think of!

So the both of you can’t see anything that happened eight months ago.

Yes I can! said his wife.

What, we had a major fight?

We were at a pizza place and I lost it on him.


Because he asked me if I was having an affair with this guy we met at the pizza place.

How many times over the course of you being together has he accused you of having an affair?

My god, if I think back every time!

That is part of the pattern isn’t it?

I travel with work a couple times a year and I have to go through hell with him before I go and after I come back.

Well she just springs them on me!!!

No I don’t. I have to listen to you weeks before I go! I tried to give you time to prepare for me leaving. I am only gone three or four days two times a year, for gods sake!

At this, the room went dead quiet for some time. Then the wife noticed he was crying.

I’m just afraid you’re going to leave me! You’re so beautiful and it’s like before: I think you’re going to leave because you left me before.

Yes, when we were dating and we didn’t have children and I was not having an affair. If I wanted to be with someone else I would tell you and not have an affair behind your back. Give me some credit!!!

I do I do! I’m sorry. I just can’t help it!

Can I ask you a question? If you can’t help it, what do you think is going to happen to your relationship in the end, if you are incapable of learning something new?

Well, I guess I will drive her away!

So when you struggle with your relationship with your wife and you’re upset, who do you push away?

Well her I guess!

Yes and who else?

I don’t know!

I think you do!

Maybe the people I work with? Is that what your driving at?

I am asking. I see you are in pain. You love your wife and you have a lifetime of controlling people with your depressing.

Did it work on your wife?


So when you feel out of control with your wife, what do you do?

I depress I guess!

Yes and what else?

I just stop working!

Before that?

I guess I just stop…

Trying to get along with people? I said


So when you can’t get along with people, what happens?

I depress.

Would you stay married to someone like you?


But she chooses to!

Hey I could do a lot worse! He has a lot of good qualities.

Like what?

Well, he’s very romantic at times. I know he loves me! He’s funny and sensitive for sure. It’s this jealousy thing – it keeps creeping up!

Yes, so if you could learn to not be jealous, what effect do you think that would have in your life, and the relationship with your wife?

It would sure improve things, the husband said.

It is what I always wanted! said the wife. I would love him more for it!

So what do you think? Could you and I get together separately some time next week and talk about your choice to be jealous?

It does feel like a choice!

Are you jealous now!

No! I don’t feel that way.

Why not!

I guess I feel like I’m caught with my pants down!

Yes, you exposed the insecurity that jealousy is.

Yes and it’s kinda dumb of me to be jealous.

Sir, jealousy is nothing more than the emotional content of your thinking, coming from the self that is insecure.

It feels stupid now that it is out like I’m …

Irrational sir!


Can I see you next week?

Yes I am looking forward to it. Thanks. This was hard but good!

Yes sir! Life comes to wake us from our stupidity.


Poem for My Daughter

July 19, 2011

My mind races to find the years with you, the seamless years measured only by moments where I felt discontented watching life long for itself.

Only because you were growing up and developing into a woman,
No longer interested in the things I could show you.

The rocks we looked under and the treasures we found. Your eyes so bright!
Walking in the river or in bedtime stories I told you, dolly rabbit adventures, stories of life longing for itself.

As you got older trying to find myself in your eyes, feeling awkward.  I was always the one in trouble and you, my guardian.

Then you cut your eye off a table and I held your hand as the doctor stitched your eye. I marvel at your bravery and we look deep into each other’s eyes and touch the place where daughter and father feel deeply life longing for itself.

So as you leave for the hospital with the father of your child I call out to you as labor does its dance and ask if you want me to be with you. Another awkward moment where I have to let go of my little girl and embrace you as a mother.

You smile back and say, “No dad! I’II be fine”, and I instantly know my place. Yet I just see the little brave girl who must face the pain of life longing for itself.

Then the next day I feel the joy of the universe in my granddaughter’s smile. I look at you and see the contentment and strength in your eyes of life longing for itself.

You have your mother’s heart, your gramma’s wit but most of all you have found your way to motherhood and embraced it.  There is no greater offering to the world than being the vessel for life longing for itself.

I love you Tara darling! Shea is a lucky baby!

Old and Full of Attitude

July 19, 2011

The fields of new sprouted corn were covered in golden light streaming through a hole in the dark black sky after a colossal storm. Several trees on the property were damaged by the strong winds. Nature had done its own pruning and the trees that could bend with the wind lost a few leaves and branches.  Others, old and rigid or whose roots were not deep, lost limbs or were uprooted and exposed and some would perish.

She was old and full of attitude. The caregivers were afraid of her demeanor and she always had a bone to pick. Anyone that didn’t do as she planned was told to get the f…k out of her room. People were convinced she loved her misery and nothing could be done about her. She had few visitors, some family at times, and she was more pleasant when they were around. I was called in to see her as she was very depressed and refused her medication.

I knocked and entered the room slowly. She was propped up in her bed and was moaning about something.

What do you want?

Hi, my name is Brian or do you want me to fuck off and get out of your room now?
Or we can chat a bit!

From the corner of her mouth came a little smile. Then she said:

Well for a fat guy you’re not so bad looking.

Well for an old battleaxe your eyesight’s not bad!

(This time she gave a more of a smile.)

You’re not a goddamn doctor are you?

No! I couldn’t live with myself if I was! I would be depressing like you.

I’m not taking their pills and you can go tell that doctor he knows where he can stick’em.

GOOD for you! I don’t think you need any pills either.

(At this time the nurse shot me a looks as if to say “What the hell are you doing?” I just ignored her and kept going.)

I’m not depressed! They just want me on pills so I don’t bug them! So I’m not a pain in the ass!

You, a pain in the ass? Come on, a sweet old lady like you?

You called me a battleaxe!

Yes I did! Are you?

Damn right!

So why are you choosing to be so miserable?

I not choosing this! They just piss me off.

Well I see that! Is there ever a time here when you’re not pissed off?


Not even when with your with friends, doing activities?

What are you anyway? A social worker?

Sure! I’m whatever you make me into!

What kind of smartass comment is that! I don’t have to talk to you!

You’re right, you don’t! But I’m really enjoying it. It is not often I get to talk to someone like you.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Well how old are you?


Wow! Ninety-four and you have more piss and vinegar you than most teenagers!

Yeah, so what!

Well is it working for you!

What’s that supposed to mean. ?

Well is it getting you what you want? It sure seems to me it is, I may be wrong.

What am I getting from what? Why don’t you speak bloody English!
I’m getting along fine! Not your business anyway.

Well that’s why they asked me to come and talk with you.  So that’s how I get paid.

For talking to people! Why don’t you get a real job?

I love my job, I told you that I get to talk to people like you, you’re ninety-four, you’re wise… Don’t you believe in talking to the wise? Don’t you think your generation could teach this generation a lot of valuable things?

Yeah, they won’t listen anyway!

Who wouldn’t listen to you? I’m sure you got a lot of wisdom to share!

For one, my grandson’s sons. Those little ungrateful bastards.

Wow! You’re really upset at them!

I damn well should be!

So why? What did they do?

They went and sold a piece of their farm, a family farm that we have had for generations.

How long ago was it that they did that?

About five years ago.

And you’re still choosing to be angry with them?

Damn right. That farm was in my family forever!

So it’s been gone now five years, and do you ever see your grandsons?

No, they only come at Christmas now!

So what happened?

They sold the farm! Are you goddamn deaf?

That I know but did they ever visit more?

Yeah they did until I found out they sold the farm to their sister. So now there is a new name on that barn.

Okay, so let me get this. You are unhappy with your grandsons and you have a grand daughter too and she is family, is she not?

Yes but she doesn’t have our family name. Are you stupid?

Yes I guess I am! Do you ever see her?

Yes she comes in once every couple months.

Were you ever close to her? Or your grandsons?

Well of course I was! That’s why this is so terrible.

What’s terrible?

That everyone has just forgotten me.

So you’re lonely?

Yes I guess I am! Who gives a damn anyway!

I do!

Why the hell should you, or are you just as lonely as I am?

I think you’re right! As I’m talking to you I feel lonely and sad for your situation!

I don’t need your pity!

I’m not giving it! I’m sad because a wise person like you can’t see how she is creating her own misery.

And how am I doing that?

Do you love your grandsons and your granddaughter?

Well of course I do!

So tell me: What are you doing to get close to them?

Nothing – I shouldn’t have to!

Come on – when you we their age, would you want to be around a person as miserable as you?

You’re a little bastard! You prick!

Yes that’s part of me too.  I am trying to help you not be so lonely! And I think you can see that and that is why you’re angering at me!

Oh speak English for Christ sake!

You said you have had visits with your grandchildren and something went sour in your relationship with them. What changed?

They sold that piece of the farm!

I know that but when they visited what did you talk about with them, when this went sour?

Hell I don’t know!

When did you see them last?

At Christmas!

Yes, what happened?

We had a huge fight!

And what happened?

I don’t remember!

Come on I know you do! How much time have you spent in the last five years criticizing them for selling the farm and other things?

A lot!

Okay, thanks for being honest! And if you could get along better with them, how do you think your life would be different?

Well, they would come and see me more!

How would you feel about that!

Better I guess, but they sold that farm!

Yes to your granddaughter and her husband. Aren’t they family?


So what is it then!

She shouldn’t have married him!

Oh! Who should she have married?

The other guy! He was so nice!

So would you want your daughter married to someone you loved or someone she loved?

I’m not a dumb broad. I get it!

Get what?

Marry for love!

Right! So how many times did you tell her she should have married the other guy?

A few times!

And when you did, she felt closer to you? Or did she disconnect by seeing you less!

By seeing me less!

Good for her. She’s wise like her grandmother!

What is that supposed to mean?

If your grandmother was criticizing you about your choice of men would you want to be around her?

She did!!!

Did you listen to her?

No! I hated her!

So do you want to be hated?

No I guess not!

So how may years do you think you could live yet?

I don’t know … one, maybe two.

Well how do you want to me remembered?  Miserable and a battleaxe?

No! I just don’t know where to begin!

How about the next time I come in we write a letter together and I’ll see they all get a copy!

Oh! Oh! Would you do that for me?

Only if there is no more battleaxe language, just connecting language. Do you think you can do that?

Yes, I could write a good letter in my day!

I’m sure you can – you’re a wise women! I will be back in two days, is that okay?

Yes thank you!

You’re welcome!

Coach bri

Teens and Medication Abuse

August 25, 2009

Here’s an article that gives more evidence for why putting children and teenagers on medication doesn’t make sense:

A Tired and Angry Young Man

March 24, 2009

There was a soft rain that intensified and then slowly died out back. It seemed to move in waves, pushed and pulled by the warm wind. The snow was almost gone except for deep in the ditches along the roadside. It seemed so strange how the warmth of spring inflicted the snow with a sense of being out of place. Yet in the colder temperatures of winter, snow along the roadside seemed to define the season so well.

The warmer weather brought out the groundhogs and skunks and along the highway there was a lot of roadkill. Every couple of kilometers there would be another dead animal and the turkey vultures would return and have a feast.

He was a sad boy, yet deep in his guts he was angry, unloved and controlled. He wanted his life to be everything that it wasn’t. He had nothing to say that was good about anyone or anything. He spent the first thirty minutes of our time together trying hard to stay disconnected. He didn’t trust anyone except his sister. She was a few years older but only had time for him when it was convenient and she wanted something.

After that time had passed, he told me that there was no need for him to see me. He had life figured out. So I asked him to explain what he had figured out.

I know that life basically is full blown bullshit!!!

I think you’re right! How old are you?

Twelve, but what bullshit are you going to try and shovel down my throat? By comparing me with other twelve year-olds?

Well, I think nothing! I can see you do have life figured out. For twelve you’ve got quite a lot of insight into things.

More psycho bullshit! I’m not stupid!! It is pretty fuckin’ easy to figure it out.

Not for us all, it took me took me till I was forty to figure that out. You got it a twelve.

He sat in silence for several minutes and I remained quiet. Then I asked how he figured it out and could he share his secret with me.

Why would I do that?

Well you might want to put it in a book; you might help a lot of kids or parents.

Yeah right! Parents should be licensed!

Yep, only job I know that you don’t have to have any credentials for. Anybody can be a parent!

Well they shouldn’t let them! All they want to do is control us. Make us live up to what others think!

I know you’re right; I do it sometimes with my own kids. And I hate it. I see how they hate it and it hurts our relationship.

Well you should tell that to my parents. They’re both on drugs and I’m the one who has to look after them half the time. I do the fuckin’ shopping, pay bills and fuckin’ clean up their shit.

You seem pretty tired and angry!

No shit! How many degrees do you have to have figured that out?

I got through university, but you don’t have to have a degree to figure that out. You know that!

How the shit do you know what I know?

Hey you’re twelve, you have figured lots of things out and you don’t have a degree, unless you’re some genius child and are in university and you’re just playing me.

If wish I was in university!

Yeah, why is that?

Wouldn’t have to be in my home with my dumb parents.

That’s pretty tough eh?

At times!

How tough?

I think parents just use kids.

How do you feel used?

Well if you have them, aren’t you supposed to be there for them?

Yeah makes sense to me! You got another thing that figured out!

I hate my parents and so does my sister. She doesn’t even come home sometimes because she knows they’ll be wasted. The weekends are the worst.

Why do you say that?

Because they have their friends over and party and do drugs. And I have to cook and clean up their shit, they just use me.

That’s sad. I’m sorry. Is their anywhere you can go when that’s happening?

Sometimes I go to my Gram’s place. But then she freaks on my parents and then I get shit.

Do you think your Gram would come in and talk with me?

She’s the one who brought me here.

Are you alright if I ask her to come in and I talk to her?

About what? I can’t live there. My parents would freak, my sister already tried and the police came and everything and Gram got sick. Her heart’s no good.

Well I don’t want you to live there. We’d talk just about how when you come not to make a big deal with your parents. So you’ve got a safe place.

So Gram would call and tell them?

No, we’d talk about how she wouldn’t go at your parents and make things worse. She can just call and let them know you’re there.

She does that now!

Yes, but what else does Gram do that ends up making things worse?

She yells, gives them shit, but she should – they’re assholes.

Well, do you think your parents benefit by Gram yelling at them?

No! But they deserve it!

Yes they do but I’m concerned about you having a safe place to go. Is it safe there, do you like it there!

Yeah better than home!

Okay, so if Gram could not yell and get on their case when you have to get out, do you think you would spend more time at Gram’s?

I think so, but Gram’s not going to shut up. I know her. She’s going to be pissed at them.

You’re probably right but if she didn’t, what might happen? If she just had you call and say you are there.

It would be better I think!

Okay, so do you think she would come and talk with me? Could we do it together? I’d like to help.

I’ll get her to come next time. Can I come back tomorrow??

Well, I’m full tomorrow. How about Thursday and then it might be better for her if we give her some time to prepare.

Okay, thanks.

Coach bri


January 31, 2009

When raising your children it is always best not to expect them to deal with their internal problem by addicting to some external drug or substance. You can only request this when you aren’t hiding from your own pain through prescription drugs or self-medicating.

The worst parents are those who, when young, party their brains out, drive under the influence, and get caught up in all kinds of mischief. Then, when they have teens, they insist their children don’t do as they did, or worse, they try to hide it from them, or tell them they have been through all that and now know better so they better listen. This is an indication of the lack of relationship and our self-centered view of life.

In all situations dealing with children, compassion is the only movement that brings into view the leadership and guidance needed to grow character.

Children are taught to be bullies as a reaction to their forced conformity. This sets in motion the process of entitlement and leads to their reluctance and mediocrity, where video games, drugs and booze are the only place where they find refuge.

Kids need more relationship in the form of human contact, where they direct the process and learning, as caregivers determine the outcome.

Our schools must be a place where kids learn about relationship before anything else. Without relationship whatever they learn will act as a poison that builds their self-interest and will not nurture their talents. Education is the process of drawing out our gifts and sharing them with the world, while not oppressing anyone else’s gifts.

Coach bri

Locked Within Her Pain

September 23, 2008

She was very attractive woman. She had very slender fingers, and she seemed to walk with such grace and dignity. As she approached the chair she had an engaging smile yet a deep sense of sadness seemed to be hidden in her eyes. I held out my hand and introduced myself and she took it and she shook it quite vigorously. She opened her spring jacket that was very well made, sat down and began to talk:

My husband told me I should come and talk to you. I have come from quite a distance and that in itself was an accomplishment. I took the day off work and even though I live about two hours away, I had to summon up the courage in order to come. I’m finding lately I have difficulty doing just basic things. And these attacks I get leave me feeling paranoid and fearful of all people and situations. I have seen the family doctor and he prescribed a medication for me, but after what you said on the radio about medication dampening your feelings, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

What hit you like a ton of bricks Madame?

Well that’s what my life feels like – no pure joy, no pure sorrow and nothing seems genuine since I’ve been on this medication and I also feel rather confused.

Okay, got it. So how can I help you?

Well that’s just it – I don’t really know. For the last two years I’ve noticed a change in myself and that change has become so disturbing that I don’t even want to leave my house. Sometimes I get this anxious feeling in the simple things that I used to do and enjoy. I can’t do it anymore. I try to hide it from my kids and I’ve been doing quite a good job. But we do have a family business and my husband knows me well and gives me a lot of space when I get into one of these paranoid states.

Well what happened two years ago that was significant for you?

Well nothing. I can’t think of anything. I’ve been racking my brains about this but I can’t think of anything that’s different that’s happened to me.

How’s your relationship with your husband?

My husband and I are fine. We have a great relationship together, were still attracted to each other, we have a good business and he’s been great about this!

Well do you have children?

Yes I have two girls and a boy!

And how are you getting along with them?

We get along great. I have a daughter at University and I have a son at community college. The kids are doing well. I have nothing to be upset about. My life is absolutely perfect.

Well if your life is perfect, does a perfect life include paranoia?

I know but why is it that I get paranoid over doing the simplest things? I’m going into the video store and I’m trembling going into there – it took me about twenty minutes just to drop off the movies.

Okay so how about your parents. Are your parents alive?

Yes both of them are. I have a few problems with my father but he’s just a bossy guy and always tries to tell me what to do.

What’s your relationship like with your mother?

Mom and me are mom and me! That’s just the way we are with each other – we get along. Or I should say we tolerate each other?

So you don’t get along well with your mother?

I don’t think my mother is the source of this trouble. She’s always been the way she is and I’ve just learned to live with that.

Live with what?

It’s no big deal really. It’s really not. She is just … you know … let’s say a little cool!

Cool or cold or callous?

I don’t think we have to talk about her. We just exist together and we get along fine. There are certain things I don’t discuss with her.

You mean things with your mother in the past two years?

No not really, nothing I can remember!

How do your children get along with their grandmother?

Well you know kids – they’re smarter than me – they just take her as she is and don’t pay much attention to her.

What is it that they don’t pay much attention to?

Just the way she is!

And that way is what?

The callousness as you put it – she’s a little cold.

Does your daughter get along with her?

My son gets along with her really well. He knows how to play her!

How about your daughter?

They were pretty good friends until my daughter was about 17!

Okay, well, what happened at 17 and how many years ago was that?

I’ll have to think about that one. I’m not really sure.

You’re not really sure of what?

Well it was about 18 months ago and my daughter was having some trouble.

And what kind of trouble was she having?

Well my mother came to me with my daughter because my daughter thought she was pregnant!

Well what did you think of your daughter going to her grandmother?

I was a bit shocked, pretty overwhelmed, pretty hurt I guess.

What does that tell you?

She seemed to adjust her seat and sit back in the chair and she took a nice deep breath and slowly turned her head and looked out the window. Tears began to roll down her cheeks. Each drop seemed to slowly move down her face and crash on her lap. Her right hand began to quiver and she began to take deep breaths. The words seemed to choke her and she tried several times to clear her throat and finally she barked out:

I just can’t forgive her!!

And who is it that you can’t forgive?

My mother. When I was 17 I got pregnant and had an abortion. When I told my mother she didn’t say anything to me. She simply closed her eyes, made a fist, stomped her foot on the floor and walked up the stairs to talk to my father. She then yelled something to my father and told him, “I’m taking your slutty daughter to the hospital for an abortion”. She came downstairs, went into the closet, grabbed my jacket threw it at me and said, “Get in the car”. As we were driving, the only thing she said to me was, “You have disgraced me. What will the neighbors think? And here I am, having to drive all the way to Ottawa so that no one finds out! Thanks a lot! My mother must be rolling over in her grave.” That’s all she said to me the whole drive.

Wow, that’s terrible. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine doing that to my child or to any child!

I told you she was callous! A real cold bitch!

Can we talk a little further about this?

Yes. I haven’t talked about it in years.

These feelings of paranoia and anxiety, have they ever happened to you before in your relationship with your husband or when you were younger, when your children were younger?

Well as a matter of fact they did – before the birth of my daughter!

Well what were you thinking when you were pregnant?

Well the same thing I’ve been thinking for the past two years I think! I keep wondering about the baby that I aborted. I keep wondering what my life would’ve been like if I kept that baby!

Tears flowed down her face like lines of silver. She cried for some time and we both sat in silence. Out of the window of the sun porch the sun was setting behind trees. The golden light of the setting sun filled the room with a breathtaking glitter. She reached into her purse and took out some Kleenex and soon began to dry her eyes. She then spoke with a quiet voice:

You know, I think this is all related.

I think you’re right!

I’d like to come back and see you again, I didn’t expect this.

That’s what I do here I deal with the unexpected. I’m glad you came.

Thanks, so am I.

Coach bri